Friday, February 17, 2012

22 Years (The Stories - #2 - Co-Ed Naked Snow Jogging!)



Continuing with some of the past postings starring MY WIFE, here's the one that has consistently brought in more people to this blog, via Google, than any other. See if you can figure out why...

CO-ED NAKED SNOW JOGGING




Yes, really.

When my father retired, he bought a small house in New Hampshire. It was (and is, so far as I'm aware) a nice little place; four rooms - two up and two down - and a basement, sitting on about 6 acres of mostly undeveloped woodland. To get to the house from the main drag, one has to take an unpaved road of about a quarter-mile in length. A railroad - formerly a Boston & Maine right-of-way, but now usually used only once a day as a tourist attraction - runs along the eastern border of the yard.

When my father died, this property became mine. I liked the place, and the area, but couldn't really afford to keep it, since MY WIFE and I both worked in Boston and wouldn't be living there. We endeavored to sell it.

In the meantime, MY WIFE and I would take a weekend up there every couple of months. We did this to check on the place and make sure everything was OK, of course, but also because it was a nice quiet place to go, to get away from the Boston area. It was situated in a small town more-or-less at the beginnings of the White Mountains; very pretty area.

Well, very pretty area except for the fact that it sat behind what amounted to a junkyard.

On the main road, just before the turn-off to my dad's place, there was an auto repair shop called Smitty's. Smitty was a nice guy. While my dad was still living, Smitty would plow the dirt road, whenever there was a snowstorm, all the way down to my dad's place, free. When I needed to sell my dad's car after his passing, Smitty put it up on his frontage by the main drag with a "For Sale" sign and took care of all potential buyers. He charged me no commission when he sold it. However, he did keep a whole bunch of junkers and wrecks within sight of the house, which cut down on the scenery, and we could have complained to the town about that, since he wasn't zoned for a junkyard, so it was sort of a quid pro quo.

(Funny story, wholly unrelated to the main one: When my dad moved there, the little dirt road had no name. Whenever he needed to tell someone where he lived, he had to say, "Behind Smitty's". He got tired of that and finally petitioned the town to name the road. They said OK to his request and he named it Sullivan Lane. He put up a nice hand-carved wooden street sign and was pretty proud of it. However, here's what happened. Someone would ask him where he lived. He'd say, "Sullivan Lane". Invariably, the other person would say, "Sullivan Lane? Where's that?" Then my dad would have to say, "Behind Smitty's".)

We were taking one of our mini-vacations up there, over Martin Luther King day weekend, when it snowed. And snowed, and snowed some more. By Monday afternoon, when we would normally have been on the road in order to be back at work on the Tuesday after the holiday, there was an accumulation of at least two feet, with drifts much higher. The driveway - that is, the dirt road - was totally impassable. We were stranded at the house and had been for the past two days.

We knew that sooner or later Smitty would come down and plow the road, since he still did that following my dad's death, but we had no idea when. He had no reason to plow out his own business, as the main road was only barely drivable itself - I found that out by taking a hike up there through the drifts up to my waist.

Monday evening came and went. It was now Tuesday and we both called work to tell them why we weren't there. Well, the only thing to do in that house was sleep or eat, basically. The TV and radio reception was horrendous. The house wasn't hooked up with cable. There was a satellite dish my dad had purchased some years back, but it was now fairly rusted out and the wires were no good. So, the only outside world we knew of came from WMUR-TV, channel 9 in Manchester, and a few weak radio signals once the sun went down. There wasn't much to read, either.

We're fairly good when it comes to self-amusement, but you can only find so much to stave off the boredom after four days together in a confined space. We were going stir-crazy. Cabin fever had set in.

MY WIFE was the first one to crack. She said she was going to strip naked and run around the outside of the house in the snow.

I said, "Oh, you're full of shit."

She was as good as her word, though, albeit with boots and a Burberry scarf. After making a circuit of the house - with me inside, going from window to window, incredulously following her progress - she came back in and said it was invigorating and great and then started calling me a series of non-masculine names, in an attempt to goad me into doing it also. Well, I'm easily goaded, I guess. I stripped down, too.

As she jogged out the door the second time, I followed her. Of course, I didn't have boots or a Burberry scarf, so I wasn't nearly as dashing. And the one lasting impression I got from the whole thing - aside from the sight of my wife's lovely ass bobbing through the snow in front of me - is that the ancient Greeks, who supposedly did all of their athletic contests naked, must have been built entirely differently than I am. I was extremely uncomfortable running, what with things bouncing up and down and side to side.

(But this is all probably too much information, eh?)

When we did it, I was thinking that either the train would pick this inopportune time to come or, worse, some freakin' hungry bear with insomnia, just happening to amble around the other side of the house searching for food, would run us off onto the main road. There would have been no good explanation in either case. And what if we were running around, bollicky-bare-ass in the snow, when Smitty decided to start plowing? Luckily for us, none of those eventualities... eventuated.

When we got back inside, we were invigorated. I, personally, found a new desire to do many interesting things other than eating and sleeping. It certainly shook out the cobwebs.

That night, around 10pm, we heard this big rumble and at first we thought it might be some sort of avalanche nearby. However, it got closer and we soon saw the headlights on Smitty's plow. He cleared the driveway and, huzzah, there was much rejoicing! Even though the way was cleared, we stayed for the night, since it was so late to start traveling.

And that's the story of COED NAKED SNOW JOGGING. So far as I know, we're the only participants in this sport, either amateur or professional, so we're thinking of petitioning to have it included in the next Winter Olympics. Since we're the only ones with any experience, we should be good for the gold - as long as I can keep that bouncing thing under control.

USA! USA! USA!

Soon, with more better stuff.



33 comments:

Ami said...

Duct tape. Controls the bounce.
But pardon me for getting personal (wait... YOU started it) I thought extreme cold caused,um, shrinkage? Why didn't little Sully and the twins seek refuge in a warmer climate? UP a little? I don't think they're very well behaved or thoughtful.

Your post made me laugh this morning, and believe me, I really, really needed it.

Julie said...

not sure the ancient greeks had duct tape ....

Lowandslow said...

And all this time I thought the "MIracle on Ice" was about the 1980 US Mens Olympic hockey team. Heck, you might ALREADY have a gold medal. (Look in the drawer where you keep your duct tape.) :)

S

Michelle H. said...

You know, YouTube could help you propel this sport based on the number of hits you would get. At the very least, you could demonstrate the proper uses of duct tape ;-)

Suldog said...

Ami, et al - Duct Tape?!? That might be fine for the bounce, but I'd sure hate to remove it. As for shrinkage, I was in a warm house, then out the door and around the house in about 30 seconds. My goods were too shocked to shrink :-)

Jeni said...

And, I'm thinking too (I know, you smelled something burning, right?) that if you were to petition the Olympics Committees to have the events performed in the nude -and if they approved it -you could claim sole responsibility then for what I bet would be a major increase in viewers of all the games. Agreed?

Quirkyloon said...

Where were the "hidden" phone cameras?

You can't get away with this kind of behavior nowadays. Good thing you got THAT out of your system.

HA!

Your wife rocks! And apparently you "roll."

HA!

Buck said...

You completed the circuit around the house in 30 seconds?

That sounds like Gold Medal time to me.

Just Stuff From a Boomer said...

I have to say, I give a high five to your wife for even thinking of such a thing and then actually doing it. It would not even cross my mind. I salute both of you. That sounds like a "Truth or Dare" challenge.

Stephen Hayes said...

I'm glad neither of you got locked outside. If I'd been naked and out there in the snow it would have taken an ice cream scooper to get things down and back into their proper position.

Craig said...

You know, I've always thought that the best part of Co-ed Naked Snow Jogging is the fellowship and camaraderie of the competitors afterward. . .

Suldog said...

Jeni - I think The Nude Olympics would be an absolute ratings bonanza. Would you please look into copyrighting it under our names before FOX has any ideas? Thanks!

Quirky - Yeah, even in that remote backwoods, we would probably think twice before doing the same today, what with everybody taping everybody.

Buck - I would have made it even faster if that naked woman in front of me hadn't been so damn slow... :-)

Boomer - It has crossed my mind, over the years, that she only did it to see if I'd do it.

Stephen - Had we somehow become locked out (NEVER even thought about that until now...) I would like to think MY WIFE would have loaned me her Burberry scarf to wrap up my junk. Perhaps not, though. You know how women are about fashion.

Craig - Indeed. As I said, I had a renewed interest in many things. I can only imagine how this would make nations come together in so many more ways than the current Olympic games.

(Yes, "come together" was intentional phrasing on my part.)

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Cone Head Naked Snow Jogging is was I heard

I need to clean my ears


I was wondering what your trick was for attracting followers. I'm fairly certain I know the secret now

Barbara Shallue said...

You are truly made for each other! She sounds like a riot - no wonder you fell in love with her and have been smart enough to hang on tight!

notactuallygod said...

It's a rare and special woman you have there to not only come up with the idea, but have the balls (or boobs if you will) to go through with it!

Jackie said...

Another great read of yours...
Twelve days and counting until your anniversary.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Oh man, I sooooo needed that laugh this morning!

Thanks for such a fun story with the...wait for it...happy ending

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Just saw this headline, thought of you right away. A sad, but inevitable, day.

We loved you Wake!

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/02/17/wakefield-to-announce-retirement-friday-night/

CiCi said...

Every time I hear about your wife I like her more and more. She is amazing. Oh, and you aren't too bad either.

messymimi said...

As usual, you managed to entertain and enlighten.

Ericka said...

*snort* YOUR WIFE is awesome, but we (and especially you) knew that. happy one-day-closer-to-your-anniversary!

Uncle Skip, said...

Just thinking about duct tape in the nether regions causes pain

That couples episode would be a truly great Kodak moment

Joanna Jenkins said...

The Burberry scarf is perfect.
Great storytelling.
jj

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

You crazy kids.

Naked Olympics, I remember reading about that somewhere. Bet that was the only time a white guy won the 110-meter hurdles.

silly rabbit said...

I began to read this post and then thought... wait! I'd better go pee now before I start laughing.

You got me on this one. I totally expected someone to catch you two leaping around. Ha.

lime said...

my favorite part is that she initiated this and goaded you into participation. too funny. she rocks.

my son informs me that a couple weeks ago while in upstate NY he participated in naked snow angel making. now if that doesn't make the goosebumps break out i don't know what will! if i hadn't given birth to him i might suspect he was the son of you and your lovely wife.

Uncle Skip, said...

Naked Snow Angels WBAGNFARB

Clare Dunn said...

Hahahahahaha!

Duct tape now comes in fashionable colors...just in case you and YOUR WIFE ever get the urge to try that again, you can look as dashing as her!

ROFL
xoxoxo, cd

Char said...

My sides hurt from laughing...and I got a visual you wouldn't believe! Your wife is a hoot! Thanks for sharing that one.

Shrinky said...

You two truly DO deserve each other, What a picture! Too, too funny..

Maggie May said...

What a risky thing to do! You could have got frost bite in awkward places. (These frozen extremities sometimes drop off!)
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Carolina said...

Thank you for putting that picture in my mind ;-) Your wife has the best ideas.

So... you could walk or even run the Boston marathon naked. With your experience and the amount of training you've done already...

Karen said...

Another fun day with the Sullivans. Love the street naming situation where your dad ended up saying "Behind Smitty's" anyway.