Thursday, December 01, 2011

A Christmas Carol

This is a Christmas carol I wrote this morning. These are just the words, but I think you can imagine the music, an up-tempo blues rock sort of thing. Hope you like it!

Up your bum with sugar plums
It's November, when Santa comes!
He's bringing you a credit card
And he wants you to charge it hard
It's Christmas
It's Commercial Christmas
Jesus Christ got nothin' to do with this

Friday's black, they're on attack
At Wal-Mart, Target, and Radio Shack
They need your green to get out of the red
And they won't stop until you've bled
It's Christmas!
It's Commercial Christmas!
Jesus Christ got nothin' to do with this

It's Veterans Day! Put up your tree!
And we'll go on a spending spree!
Slide on down the chimney with me!
Bend over nine times, the tenth one's free!

(yackety sax solo)

[spoken, over steady beat]

Hey, there's Charlie Brown! I love that pathetic little tree! I sure wish I could buy one just like it...

I can? And only $10.00? Excellent!

Hey, why is Linus spouting that shit about shepherds? What the fuck does THAT have to do with Christmas?!?

(guitar solo)

Hey, hey, Rudolph! Whaddayasay?
Are you all set to pull that sleigh?
I'll drink until my nose gets redder
Then we can light up the sky togedder
It's Christmas!
It's Commercial Christmas!
Poor old Christ, up on his cross
His eyes bulge out, He's at a loss
He remembers bein' in the manger
But He can't recall anything stranger
Than Christmas
Commercial Christmas
It seems He died for your revolving credit account!

(glockenspiel solo, and fade)

Soon, with more better stuff


Uncle Skip, said...

How, pray tell, are you gonna top that?

...and when are you going to record it?

Jeni said...

That's got to be the most accurate and best song ever about what's happened to Christmas!

Buck said...

Soon, with more better stuff

I had my comment all figgered out, only to see Skip got here first with the same ideer. Oh, well. Great Minds and all that.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Ah, man! That's awesome. It ranks right up there with Stan Freberg. You rock!

Hilary said...

The glockenspiel solo sold me. ;)

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I have for a long time now said that there are just not enough saxophone solos in music these days. This is my new favorite Christmas carol. I will promptly begin playing it in September.

messymimi said...

Thank you for putting it into words for the rest of us.

Barbara Shallue said...

I feel exactly the same way but haven't been able to express it so eloguently. Thank you!

Craig said...


Of course, it's brilliant. But I wish it weren't.

Like Skip, I await the recording. . .

silly rabbit said...

Ha! Well said!

Of course its a good thing that you waited until today to release your lyrics... no carols until the 1st of December and all that! =;]

Thimbelle said...

Well, sweetie, I sure do wish you'd just come on out and tell us how you REALLY feel!

:::ducking and running to the corner with the Fruity Cakes of Goodness!:::

I agree with Uncle Skip. There may be no topping that one! ;)

Carolina said...

Wham and Chris Rea may have a hard time this Christmas.

Quite an impressive Christmas tree that is, for only $ 10. Is the ball included in the price?

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Love it! You are so right!!!

Karen said...

Brilliant. How do you come up with this stuff!

Jackie said...

I take it that you didn't participate in Black Friday.
(I had to tell Daddy and Mama what "Black Friday" was. They had no idea.)
I also took photos of the 'idjuts' that were lined up at Best Buy on WEDNESDAY - yep Wednesday BEFORE Thanksgiving...waiting for "da bargains" on Black Friday.... They had tents...and no sense (cents, either, apparently.)
I wonder how you really feel about ChristmasCommercialization.
Just askin'....

Shrinky said...

I'm with Uncle Skip here, it's just begging to be recorded (hey, just think of all the MONEY you can make on the ROYALTIES each year, when Christmas rolls round)!!

But um, that's not a REAL Christmas Carol, there can only be one, and that's ME.. (wink)

Argent said...

A carol for our times, alright! Brilliant and now we NEED the recording.

Michelle H. said...

Wow, I can imagine this one, played out on the street corner beside Best Buy and being turned into the hottest You-Tube video of all time.

Daryl said...

he might want to come back for Hanukkah

Sandi McBride said...

OMG trying to think of how to say Bah Humbug? You are too funny!
Next installment please...

SueAnn said...

I think the instrumental solos got me too!! Shed a tear or two!

3GKnight said...

Haha! So happy, yet so sad. Glockenspiel FTW!

i beati said...

exactly but not me - I am very laid back with the commercialism. I love the decoratring, music and cards.AND THE REASON!!.sandy

CiCi said...

c'mon, Jim, don't be shy, tell us how you really feel. Ha.

I know it is not a joke unfortunately. Commercialism rules in our country. It does not have to though, not in our individual lives.

Shammickite said...

Definitely, absolutely, definitively, indubitably, and without a doubt, BRILLIANT!
Are you going to record it yourself? I hear you have a great radio voice..... or maybe you could get Justin Beiber... he's Canadian y'know.

Moannie said...

Well Jim, you obviously have to record it and put it on U tube.

Red Hamster said...

Oh darn, late to the party because I've been getting ready for Christmas.....

I'm with what everyone else said...... I'm sure you could get some of your musical friends together and make a new satirical Christmas hit out of this.

Suldog said...

All - Thank you for the kind words. I'm working on doing a recording of it (I have the music in my head, just a matter of getting out of my head...) and if I have it completed before Christmas, I'll put it here.

Clare Dunn said...

Well, then, I'll just hafta come back and check for it, cuz I wanna hear it, too.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Awesome! Totally awesome!

My favorite line?

"Bend over nine times, the tenth one's free."

missing moments said...

Well said!

Mich said...

The Charlie Brown tree is out of stock, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
::shakes fist::

You're quite the gifted songwriter. <3

lime said...

i want this set to music and recorded so i can blast it when i get most annoyed with the crass commericialism of the season!