Friday, October 14, 2011

Re: Incarnation

As you may know, I was out of work for quite a few days recently. I had a very high fever and spent the better part of my time in bed, having nightmares. The fever broke, and I now feel better than I have in ages.

Just before coming out of my fever-induced dreams, however, I had a singular vision concerning an angel descending from Heaven. He hovered over my bed, and seemed to be examining both me and my surroundings. While he was thus situated, he looked intently at a sheet of paper, occasionally nodding his head (apparently in agreement with what he was reading), and sometimes shaking his head from side to side (apparently not quite believing what he was reading.) As I came more fully awake, he noticed me looking at him and he disappeared. I’m not sure, but I could almost swear that I heard him say, "Oh, shit!" as he vanished from my sight.

Of course, I assumed that this vision was only a result of my being feverish and perhaps having taken one too many swigs from the cough syrup bottle. However, when I got out of bed, I felt something under my right foot. I looked down and saw the paper from which the angel had been reading.

I will reproduce it here.



"It’s Where You Want To End... Up!"

To: Soul #126,748,055,129

From: Gabriel, Archangel, Senior Traffic Manager, Births Division

Date: 3/1/1957 (Anno Domini)


It is my pleasure to inform you that your request to be born has been granted. You will be delivered tomorrow, March 2nd.

We realize that this doesn’t give you much time to prepare, but your paperwork was significantly delayed due to the extraordinary (some might go so far as to say bizarre) requests you made in conjunction with your application. Details concerning the approval or rejection of said requests appear below.

You requested:

1 – That you be born into a family of great wealth.

2 – That you be granted a physical constitution able to withstand unbounded debauchery.

3 – That you be given good looks. Specifically, you requested a full head of flowing blond hair; a square jaw; sparklingly white teeth; a 52-inch chest accompanied by a 32-inch waist; rock-solid muscles; and a sexual tool magically able to change length and width in order to conform precisely with whatever female partner you might currently be bedding.

4 – That you be allotted the eyesight of an eagle; the hearing of a bat; the sense of smell of a bloodhound; and the speed and agility of a cheetah.

5 – That you be allowed to requisition from this office, on demand, further blessings which you may have forgotten during the application process.

This office, in response, has granted the following:

1 – You will be born.

2 – You will have free will with which to debauch to your heart’s content.

3 – You will not be severely misshapen or grotesque.

4 – You will have five senses. You will be able to run, after a fashion.

5 – You will be allowed to request further blessings, but they will most certainly not be guaranteed, nor will they be given according to your schedule.

Explanations Concerning Those Things Granted Or Denied:

1 – It is the considered opinion of this office that putting great wealth into your hands would be akin to granting a meteor the ability to tap dance. It would serve no useful purpose whatsoever and, in addition, would cause great concern among the general populace.

We do understand your request. You have discerned, quite correctly, that your mercurial temper and general tendency towards sloth will not give you a very good chance at anything more than a subsistence level existence, but you certainly must realize that these same qualities would undoubtedly result in you inadvertently killing yourself if we gave you anything more than that which you require to be comfortable. Therefore, we will never let you starve, and you will always have a bed to sleep in, but extreme wealth is entirely out of the question.

2 – Since you will not be given the means with which to debauch to your heart’s content, we see no reason to give you a body able to withstand such rigors. However, since we also know that you WILL debauch up to the limit of your available cash - as well as whatever credit you can scam from the unsuspecting - we ARE willing to outfit you with a body that heals relatively quickly (although, we must stress, NOT instantaneously, so you’ll probably be able to smoke cigarettes for 40 years or so before permanent deleterious effects set in, but we would suggest that you refrain completely from juggling chainsaws or having sex with any women named Bobbitt.)

3 – This one did give us a good chuckle, and we thank you for that.

Your hair will be red, not blond, and if you don’t like it, we can arrange for it to fall out beginning somewhere around your 21st birthday. Your jaw will not be square, but will instead be somewhat pointy. In order to make up for this, we WILL give you the sparklingly white teeth you’ve requested, but you will have to wait until you reach your fifties to receive them and they will be made out of porcelain. You will have the 32-inch waist, but only until 1981. The largest chest we could requisition for you was 42 inches, but we will attempt to deliver a 52-inch stomach by the time you reach age 60 (IF you reach age 60.) We are unable at this time to supply you with a full complement of rock-solid muscles, but we pulled some strings and you will be given them in the following locations: right thumb, left fingers, and ass. This will allow you to become either a relatively unknown bass guitarist or a renowned and gifted gay prostitute - your choice.

Speaking of prostitution, we found it rather presumptuous of you to assume that you would be born a male. As it turns out, you will, but your request for the magical shift-changing sexual appendage is flatly (even laughingly) denied. Yours will be strictly standard issue. On the bright side, it will work very well and never be subject to erectile dysfunction. However, opportunities for use will be far fewer than you’d prefer, unless you choose the previously mentioned male prostitution option.

4 – You will be happy to know that we are granting the great eyesight and hearing. We expect, however, that you will choose to not see what is in front of your face and to not listen to what you need to hear. You will have the speed and agility of a bloodhound, and you will smell like a cheetah.

5 – This office will do all in its power to grant additional requests made through the proper channels, but we have little reason to believe that, in most instances, you’ll understand what the proper channels are until it’s too late. Nevertheless, we have seen fit to supply you with some items that you didn’t request, but which we expect you would wish you HAD requested, once born.

You will be equipped with:

A – Two loving parents, and a near endless supply of caring relatives and friends.

B – The ability to rationalize almost anything.

C – An above average set of vocal cords, as well as an ample supply of blarney.

D - The ability to be very easily amused.

E – A sincere belief in the fact that you are blessed.

F – A WIFE (sense of humor and patience included.)

You may not realize it, as you embark upon your journey, but all of the above are invaluable gifts and much more important than any of those things you requested.

If you have any comments or concerns regarding this letter, we are unable to answer them at present due to time constraints. Also, as you know, none of these particulars will be remembered by you, or be available for your inspection, during your time incarnate. Your guardian angel will, at regular intervals, check to make sure that all of the particulars mentioned herein have occurred, are occurring, will occur, or will never occur, depending upon which one of the items we’re discussing. Upon your return to this realm, we will make every attempt to satisfactorily answer whatever questions you may still have concerning your sojourn. In the meantime, you have been equipped with a fully functioning conscience. If it should fail at any time, you will be automatically directed to your owner’s manual (known in the native parlance of your new home planet as “The Bible”) and instructions for repair and re-start of your conscience will be made apparent.

Please report to the birth canal by midnight to begin processing. You need not pack anything; all promised supplies will be provided upon your arrival, and any attempt to smuggle contraband will only result in unnecessary delays.

Oh, one last thing: Your name will be "Jim." Your request to be christened "Rocky Thunderballs, Supreme Lord Of All Men And Extremely Potent Satisfier Of All Women” is not only denied, but would be entirely blasphemous if we didn’t consider it completely ridiculous. Consider yourself lucky to get "Jim." We could have easily gone with "Needledick Lipschitz."

We truly wish you nothing but the best. Whether or not you realize it at the moment, that’s what you'll receive.

GABRIEL, a.a., s.t.m., births


So, that’s what I found on my floor after the angel disappeared. I’d appreciate your thoughts concerning it. In the meantime, I've set a trap in my bedroom just in case he returns, and I’ll be re-reading the document carefully, looking for loopholes.

Soon, with more better stuff.

(My sincerest thanks to Shrinky for the inspiration - again.)


Shrinky said...

Oh Sully, this is the funniest post I've read in forever - I am so envious of your wit and imagination - WHAT a fabulous post!I'm literally wiping the laughter tears from my eyes as I type.

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!

(Oh, and yeah, cheers for the plug too, you are a perfect gentleman and a scholar, my friend.)

Craig said...

This is abso-freakin'-lutely wonderful stuff, Sully! Aside from laughing my (minimal) ass off (that's one I'll be discussing upon my arrival), there's a good deal of profundity hiding amongst the humor. Thanks!

Craig said...

But you forgot to mention the bit about being a Red Sox fan. . .


Suldog said...

"... you forgot to mention the bit about being a Red Sox fan. . ."

Craig - That comes under the "free will to debauch" category.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Ha ha ha ha! The funniest post I've read in ages, Jim. I think even the angels have met their match with you - bet they are roaring with laughter 'upstairs' I'd be very interested in borrowing your angel trap because I have a few 'requests' or demands. I will come back to read this little lot again! Inspired work my friend ~ Eddie

PS I wonder if he was an elect angel or a fallen one!! LOL

CiCi said...

Your illness did not damper your wit, you have come through the flu with a sense of humor even better than before. You can write! Truly funny stuff.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

"...I now feel better than I have in ages."

That's fairly obvious and good to hear.
Now, anyone reading your blog for the first time will probably say to themselves, "OMGWTFBBQ!" You definitely have a gift, my friend.

notactuallygod said...

Terrific and very thorough concept piece (I should have written it myself, sorry I didn't) and the Thunderballs line had me chuckling out loud. Truely excellent work today.

Cricket said...

Priceless Suldog - though it seems familiar, but maybe that's just me. Either way, great stuff, my swell pal, great stuff.

Michelle H. said...

Oh, your wit never fails and something not mentioned in the letter. I hope it's in the fine print that you won't ever lose your humor.

Strange you should mention dreams. I had one last night where I was beating the crap out of this guy who was hurting his young daughter. Then I had to confess to what I did to Denzel Washington as he was sanding a boat he was building from scratch. What do you make of that?

Suldog said...

Cricket - Fess up time! It IS a repeat, with slight edit in the introduction. I decided to run it again because Shrinky repeated HER piece which had originally inspired me to write this.

(You should all go and read hers. It's brilliant.)

Suldog said...

Michelle - I think, like me, you should stop chugging cough syrup.

Buck said...

I'd say you did fairly well, on the whole.

D - The ability to be very easily amused.

That, My Friend is priceless.

messymimi said...

Still laughing and trying not to let the kids notice!

The Broad said...

Funny, funny, funny -- still laughing! One thing though, I don't thing you can be back with 'better stuff'!Thanks Sully...

Daryl said...

Have you read Lamb? You will love it click here

lime said...

brilliant! love it. thanks so much for the lunchtime chuckles. i don't know which line i laugh hardest at.

in retrospect though i think i'd have to say you are indeed wildly wealthy because of the things you were granted, whether requisitioned or not. and item E....well, that just shows wisdom.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

"...perhaps having taken one too many swigs from the cough syrup..."

Yeah, right... as if.

Suldog said...

Daryl - I did read it, as a matter of fact. It was entertaining, a witty idea, and I mostly enjoyed it (albeit with a touch of residual Catholic guilt.)

Anonymous said...

Great wisdom hidden in great humor. How do you get any better than this piece?

I can't pick a favorite line; I'm rolling with laughter at each one.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Damn. That thing must've been written in 4 point font for that much to fit on one simple sheet of paper. Clearly obvious who groomed your soul into existence. Sheesh. I hope you catch him just for the mere fact you could've been named Needledick Lipschitz.

Suldog said...

Jenn - It was printed on both sides, OK Miss Smarty Pants?

Anonymous said...

How on earth do you make an angel trap!

I'm thinking if you figure this out, than #1 of his response is OUT!

And if you're too scared, let ME know.

I'm quite sure I wasn't supposed to have the same #1 as ye.

I'm quite sure.

heh heh

Anonymous said...

Jim, my son and I are both wiping tears from our eyes. I called him over after the first paragraph - I knew he'd enjoy it. You are brilliant!

Jackie said...

To have the gifts you have is a blessing. What a brilliant mind....

Jeni said...

My thanks to Shrinky for providing you with the inspiration to write this post! Has to be one of your absolute best -and certainly one of the funniest, if not THE funniest. Well, I think there was another one you reposted not too long ago that maybe runs a really close race in the hilarious department though. But this one -definitely outstanding! I'll giggle the rest of the night as I make my way down through my reader!

3GKnight said...

Very funny Rocky Thunderballs.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Great stuff! I was in hospital last year and would not have believed the power of morphine. The hallucinations were very similar! Much better than real life!

Shammickite said...

I hope you're not too disappointed with the requests that were not granted, but I think you didn't do too badly with the things you did get. Especially the red hair. Now who wouldn't want to be a redhead? Redheads rule the world y'know. Or at least, they should!!!!

Your fellow redhead in Canada.

i beati said...

Listen Thunderballs I'll be sharing this lol

Carolina said...

As funny as it was quite a while ago ;-)

Matt Conlon said...

LOL You will have the speed and agility of a bloodhound, and you will smell like a cheetah.

Totally calling you Rocky Thunderballs hence forth.

Three Hundred Sixty Five said...

Oh, crap! I have wet myself (just a little) and had to snuffle my guffahs (due to the fact the spouse has just retired for the night). I wish I had read this earlier, while he was up so I could share (I will tomorrow), and laugh again, this time to include the snorts that will accompany said laughter. Thank you!

P.S. I wonder where you come up with this stuff? It's priceless.......

Karen said...

This is just brilliant!

Maggie May said...

After I stopped chuckling I wondered if you might have taken too many painkillers?
However...... I'm sure there ARE angels..... its just that I never heard of any leaving notes!
They certainly gave you imagination...... which wasn't mentioned on the list, was it?
Dream on.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Susan English Mason said...

Wow! What a great post to come back to after my 2 and a half year hiatus. I think you gave me a hernia though from laughing so hard.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You totally cracked me up so much that I reread this post out loud to my husband and HE'S laughing too.

What a hoot!


Chris said...

Oh man, perfect reading for a Monday morning.

I'll be sure to share it with MY WIFE later.

That's right, you heard me.

Anyway, seriously Jim, this is brilliant. One of your funniest ever, and that's saying a lot.

Steve Bailey said...

Very funny.... though on behalf of all tap dancing meteors I believe we have all been greatly misunderstood.

Moannie said...

You are unbelievably on form-so very funny.Satisfier of all of your blog pals that's for sure.

Clare Dunn said...

Has anyone said "You're the Best", yet? Because you just might be...

xoxoxo, cd

Mich said...

That's one of the funniest things I've read--I love it!! I wish the world really worked like that...

Hilary said...

You were certainly granted a larger than average funny bone. And I'm glad you were given the name that you have. Rocky Thunderballs or Needledick Lipshitz would look rather strange on my sidebar of favourite bloggers.

Heidi Olivia Tan said...

Profound beneath all the larking around.
And the overwhelming dosage of gratitude and thanksgiving is quite a welcome change to read in one sitting. Not enough feel-good deep-in-your-soul pieces out there.
As a Christian, I don't think I'm blaspheming when I think you were divinely inspired when you wrote this.
Started following you yesterday when I read your comment on Grumpy Old Ken's "What Do We Really See?" An aside on your comment there: Maybe they see a noble old warrior who still has the guts to torture himself. Maybe some of them don't laugh but ask themselves in their secret hearts "Will I be able to do that when I'm that old? I sure hope so."

Hilary said...

This is truly hysterical, and well written. I am going to read it again later, and take my time.

well deserved POTW.

TexWisGirl said...

congrats on your POTW! well done!

Tabor said...

A most enjoyable read. Worth Hillary's POTW. Love it.

Anonymous said...

You are indeed a funny man (and as the paperwork noted, lucky that you weren't born a woman instead with requests like that)!

Thanks to Hilary for sending me over. :)