Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Is Laughter The Best Medicine?





Is laughter the best medicine? We'll see. I hope it's at least good medicine.

This is a repeat, but it's NOT a repeat. Well, actually, keeping it from being a total repeat is up to YOU. There is audience participation involved. You, of course, are the audience.

What's going to happen is...

Well, let me give you some small background information, first, and that might make you more willing to become involved. I have a friend who is in pain. She truly is, from a medical condition. I wish I could snap my fingers and stop her from being in pain, but I can't. I've said prayers, but I want to do more.

I thought about what makes me feel better when I'm sick or hurting or otherwise less than optimistic about the world and my place in it. What helps me most are two things: engaging my mind and laughing. So, that brought to mind this past post which attempted to do both (and will do so now, with your help.)

Here it is, with only some slight edits to reflect that it's happening now and not then.

(In the comments, just do what's instructed, please. No fluff about how I'm a nice person or how much you want my friend to feel better. If you do what's requested, I'll know you care on both accounts.)

BA-DUMP-BUMP!

OK, class, today we're going to try something new.

Here's the deal: I'm going to give you the straight line to a joke. The first person to comment will supply the punchline to said joke. Then, that same person will supply a new straight line (or set-up to an entire joke, if you're feeling really ambitious) for the next commenter to supply the punch line, and so on.

For example:

If I were to say...

Why is cream so much more expensive than milk?


The first commenter would probably reply...

Because it's so damned hard to get the cows to squat over those little cartons.

And then he or she would add something like...

What is the gross national product of Albania?

To which the next person might reply...

Snot.

That's not the best joke, but you get the idea.

Now, don't feel that you have to be bound by tradition. If someone asks...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

You don't necessarily have to answer...

To get to the other side.

You could go with any of the following...

Because he was stapled to a punk rocker.

Because he saw Colonel Sanders coming down the sidewalk holding a bucket.

Because he saw an ostrich on the other side, and he had always been a leg man.


Or you could make up your own highly original retort.

I suppose that's enough explanation. Let's begin, shall we?

So, I went to the psychiatrist the other day. He told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said...


63 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're ugly, too!

Why did the fool throw a clock out the window?

Brighton Pensioner said...

To make time fly.


How do you know if there's been an elephant in your fridge?

Quirkyloon said...

Because the mouse casserole is all over the floor.

What did the elephant say to the fly?

Suldog said...

Nothing. Elephants can't talk.

(Ba-Dump-Bump!)

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Michael said...

Is that one of those eco-friendly trunks?


What do you get when you cross a rocket ship with a politician?

Jinksy said...

Geez! I thought I had wrinkled skin! And why is your apology of trunk in such a peculiar place?


So what did the naked man reply to the elephant?

Uncle Skip, said...

A cross rocket ship?

Why don't sharks eat politicians?

Matt Conlon said...

That would be cannibalism.

What is black and brown and looks good on a politician?

David said...

The naked man said, "Why is yours on your face?"

And sharks don't eat politicians because of professional courtesy!

Why did the fireman wear red suspenders?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Because Lady Gaga stole his meat belt.

Black and brown and looks good on a politician . . . a flock of crows and vultures.

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of Lake Michigan?

Matt Conlon said...

A good start!

What's white and tastes like bananas?

Cricket said...

A good start.

If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long will it take a grasshopper with one wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

Karen said...

The fireman watched too many episodes of Larry King.

Why did the kid slide down the hill in a laundry basket?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Cricket's: A penguin in tennis shoes.

Karen's: He was looking for an unhampered lifestyle.

Jazz said...

To get to the bottom

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris@Knucklehead! said...

A Hostess Ding-Dong.

How many rock musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Suldog said...

None. A roadie will take care of it.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Bill Yates said...

Cheese dip. Does your dog bite?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

CHEESE DIP! BILL, THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!! I'm dying here!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

That's no dog, that's my wife!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

Cricket said...

Nobody will cry if you cut up an oboe.


what's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Uncle Skip, said...

A vulture waits until the prey stops moving.

what's the difference between window putty and k-y jelly?

Suldog said...

Well, I know that at least one of them can be used to fill a crack...

If Mohamar Qhadafi and Osama Bin Laden fell out of an airplane, which one would hit the ground first?

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Who cares!

@ Uncle Skip - if you use K-Y Jelly your windows will fall out.


Why did the preacher cross the road?

notactuallygod said...

He saw some boy scouts on the other side.

What's the difference between a bowling ball and Paris Hilton?

Craig said...

(Waaaaayyyy back to 'what's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?' - a Rottweiler!)

As to Ivan's preacher - to give it a blessing?

And I'm obviously just too slow to keep up with the pace here;

The bowling ball is sharper.

What do you call 100 lawyers buried in sand up to their necks, as the tide comes in?

YOUR WIFE's Brother said...

What's the difference between a bowling ball and Paris Hilton?

-- It's better for everyone if the ball doesn't wind up in the gutter.


How many Popes does it take to change a lightbulb.

Red Hamster said...

@Craig -- Not enough sand.

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Michelle H. said...

How may Popes does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, he lets the saints do divine intervention.

How many Celtic managers does it take to score a basket?

Tim said...

I thought the elephant said to the naked man "So how do you pick up peanuts with that?"

What was the last pizza order to the World Trade Center? (Too soon?)

lime said...

@ michelle: 1 to change the bulb and 15 to take his name in honor.

how many male chauvanists des it take to make a pot of coffee?

Cricket said...

Aw, shut up bitch and get me a beer.

How do you make a Maltese cross?

Michelle H. said...

How do you make a Maltese cross?

Take away his doggy bone.

Why did Paris Hilton cross the road?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

To get to another gutter.

And you can also make a Maltese cross by calling him a falcon idiot.

Maltese falcon. Get it?

Pizza order at the WTC - Two. Plain.

Suldog said...

@Michelle: How many Celtic managers does it take to score a basket?

Unfortunately, they don't score any baskets. All they do is make trades that screw up everybody else's abilities to score baskets.

(I don't now if that's the answer she had in mind, but it's the one that comes to mind for me. I think it might have been a personal inside joke for this Boston Celtics fan.)

@Cricket: How do you make a Maltese cross?

Tell him that Baron Mikel Scicluna really sucks?

(That's a punchline only a fan of really old WWF wrestling has any chance of getting. See, Baron Mikel Scicluna was a wrestler back in the 1960's and 1970's, and he was always introduced as purportedly hailing from the Isle of Malta, and... ah, skip it. Let's go with the tried and true.)

Poke him in the eyes!

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Suldog said...

And, just because I always try to give you value for your visit here...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikel_Scicluna

Cricket said...

Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

So a nun, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I always forget to add the next straight line...

What's long and hard on a a redneck named Billy Bob?

Suldog said...

So, a nun, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender said, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

And now, back to Knucklehead...

What's long and hard on a redneck named Billy Bob?

Cricket said...

3rd Grade.

What's the difference between a politician and a toilet?

Auntie said...

Fifth Grade!

How do you stop a dog from smelling?

Suldog said...

Hmmmmmm. Appears we have a difference of opinion concerning Billy Bob. However, onward!

What's the difference between a politician and a toilet?

Well, they're both full of shit, but you can flush the toilet.

How do you stop a dog from smelling?

Cut off his nose!

(Sorry. I'd try to come up with something better, but I think that's one of the best jokes ever, as is.)

OK, back to work!

What month has 28 days?

Carolina said...

Every month.

(Okay, so I'm really really bad at this, but I did laugh at all the other jokes and I do think laughter is good medicine.)

What's the shortest distance between two jokes?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

A straight line, of course!

What do you say to a Red Sox fan wearing a three-piece suit?

I'm gonna answer this one myself.

WILL THE DEFENDANT PLEASE RISE! BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!


Okay, next straight line...

How do you drive a blonde crazy?

Kaz said...

Ask him to rewind your DVD collection.

My parents are so crazy. (How crazy are they??) My parents are so crazy, they bought me...

Michelle H. said...

My parents are so crazy. (How crazy are they??) My parents are so crazy, they bought me...

a hotdog and a fan to cool it down.

What did the madman say while sitting on the electric chair?

Matt Conlon said...

My parents are so crazy. (How crazy are they??) My parents are so crazy, they bought me...

A battery operated battery recharger that only recharges it's own batteries.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

Jillsy Girl said...

you mean, you're supposed to eat vegetables.

two nuns in a bathtub, one says to the other...

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The rack holding his IV bag.

Hilary said...

@ Michelle - "What did the madman say while sitting on the electric chair?" Hey, you forgot to plug it in.

A man says to his wife "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says...

Babs said...

Let me ask your other personality..

(I could almost hear the drum and the symbol)

sweet pea. said...

cymbal.

and the other personality said to go jump off a chair.

why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Suldog said...

The woman says, "When are you leaving?"

Still unanswered:

Two nuns in a bathtub, one says to the other...

What's white and tastes like bananas?

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

I expect answers or else I'll keep printing re-runs!

Craig said...

Well, I know what's invisible and smells like bananas - monkey farts. As for white and tasting. . . I'm afraid; very afraid. . .

'Course, bananas themselves are kinda white, aren't they?

I'm sure the defense attorney one is ever-so-clever, but I'm drawing a blank. . .

Hilary said...

One nun say to the other: We should get out of this habit.

White and tastes like bananas: Monkey spit (I hope)

Attorneys/light bulb: How many can you afford?

---------------------------

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

Michelle H. said...

Two nuns in a bathtub, one says to the other...

I didn't know this was a jacuzzi? Look at all the bubbles around you!

What's white and tastes like bananas?

Chicken... since everyone says everything tastes like chicken.

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to plead innocence for not knowing the bulb went out. The second to plead guilty for breaking the bulb. The third to plead for an acquittal that the bulb doesn't exist. In the end, the bailiff changes the bulb.
**************************
A dog has peanut butter on his nose, he says...

Michelle H. said...

@Hilary: When his mistress confesses.

Craig said...

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Watch for his lips to move. . .

How is an elephant like a plum? (Man, I am reaching waaayyy back into my childhood with this one. . .)

Shammickite said...

They are both purple .... except for the elephant..

Q: What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants coming up over the hill?
A: Look, the plums are coming! (Jane was colorblind.)

What's the difference between a canoe and a Canadian?

Suldog said...

Thank you, folks! Great job! Please, keep it going here, but there's also a new post asking for your contributions of humor, too!

http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/2011/03/thank-you-jokesters-great-job-now-how.html

Suldog said...

I got it! Finally!

(I cheated, and had to Google it, but I wanted the answer, and I assume a few others of you do, too.)

What's the difference between a canoe and a Canadian?

It's possible a canoe might tip.

Hee-Hee!

Maggie May said...

Yes, I agree. Laughter IS the best medicine!

Q) What is the difference between an Eskimo (sorry its not PC) and an Arab?

A) One is a midget with a frozen digit and the other is a vassal with a massive tassel!
Sorry....... that was in poor taste. Sorry...... sorry!
Maggie X

Nuts in May