Thursday, June 03, 2010

Ask Poochie - 3

If you're a masochist looking for a good time, previous editions of Ask Poochie may be found HERE and HERE. If you need some really bad advice, write to Poochie at, and your question may be used in a future edition.


Dear Poochie:

If you were in the situation I was in, with the possibility of becoming a full-time writer and facing the unknown with never having a steady paycheck coming in, what would you do? And would you wear the polka dot bikini or the leopard-spotted long johns?

Perplexed In Pennsylvania

Dear Perplexed:

I'll answer the second question first (not because it deserves an answer more, or because it will help to enlighten you in any way, but only because I like thinking about it.) I would wear the leopard-spotted long johns. However, you should wear neither (and then send me photos.)

The answer to the first question really comes down to the answer to this question: Do you want to be a full-time writer? If so, go for it. I'm all for people pursuing their dreams, and I see no reason why you shouldn't try to do so (aside from the possibility of ending up sleeping in an alley somewhere, using a rat for a pillow.) Anyway, if the writing gig fails maybe the photos you send me can raise some cash. I'll shop them around to the highest bidding pornographer and give you 10%.



I'm having trouble deciding if I should pursue a possible hobby. I'm considering picking up the brewing of beer with a good friend of mine.

Here's the background on this: He brews, but has no space. I have space, and love beer, and have a spare fridge in the basement. Cost to me = Nothing. He's got everything we need, and is willing to split the product with me down the middle. The downside: I will feel guilty about partaking in something I do not pay for, and will most likely end up contributing more than is necessary due to said guilt.

I do not like feeling like I owe someone, and even when they tell me I don't, I feel like I owe them even MORE for having shown such kindness toward me, that I end up over compensating.

How should I proceed? Should I take him up on his offer, and if so, how do I avoid going broke by over contributing?

Bearing in mind, I love beer, but can't accommodate drinking more than I should, as I have many responsibilities at home which I will not ignore, and rather attend to sober.

Muddled In Massachusetts

Dear Muddled:

Let me get this straight: You supply nothing and you get free beer? I'm afraid I don't see the problem.

Oh, wait a minute. There's this thing you speak of called 'guilt'. I'm unfamiliar with that concept, but let me try to grasp your problem, anyway. You supply nothing and you get free beer. Where I grew up, that's called hitting the lottery. Again, I don't quite see the problem.

OK, you say you might contribute more than you want to the project, even though you've been assured that you needn't contribute anything other than some space you aren't even using. Saint Peter on a pogo stick, dude! FREE BEER! If you can't get past the guilt, use the money you'll save from not buying beer and go see an analyst.

Damn. I wish every problem people sent me was this easy.


Dear Poochie:

How do you feed five pussies at the same time so each are equally satisfied and quit griping?

(Please remember I am a good, christian girl. *wink*)

Do you feed five pussies at the same time, and does YOUR WIFE know?

(Only askin'.)

Do you have any pussies at work? Have you seen Mrs. Slocombe's pussy?

Yours head scratchingly (that might be the fleas),

A Pussy Lover.

Dear Pussy Lover:

My, my, my. Even though I have the sneaking suspicion you're having me on, I'll attempt to give serious answers to each of your questions.

The only way to feed five pussies at the same time, so that each is equally satisfied, is you can't do it alone. That's been my experience, anyway. You should get a dog that eats pussies. Once the pussies have been eaten, they don't tend to complain as much about being fed.

As explained in the previous answer, I have never fed five pussies at the same time. Therefore, MY WIFE doesn't know and let's keep it that way, too.

The only pussies we have around my place of employment are feral.

(There's a joke in there somewhere, I'm sure, but probably not a very good one. In that regard, it's like the rest of this piece, so we'll leave it as is.)

Finally, I most certainly have NOT seen Mrs. Slocombe's pussy. I've seen Mrs. Slocombe, and I've heard her speak of her pussy many times, but I have never actually seen it. I'm sure she'd be glad to show it to me, and maybe even let me pet it, but thus far I haven't had the pleasure.

I haven't seen Captain Peacock's spotted dick, either, if that helps you any.


Dear Poochie:

Washing machines eat socks. How can I keep this from happening?


Dear Jackie:

Don't wash your socks.


Dear Poochie,

Should I give up on dating?

It's been a long life of being single. Out of all the male contact I've had, I've only had one real boyfriend and he was a total putz-head. I haven't had any real type of relationship - one outgoing and loving and just all around good for everyone. I've never even had something a little less than this.

I wonder with such little experience in the relationship department, if I could ever provide viable companionship with anyone? Perhaps I'm self-defeating, choosing to meet guys who are total losers just so I won't feel like a failure if things don't work out well - which is inevitably what does happen. Perhaps I'm scared to share my life with anyone. Perhaps love just isn't for me.

I know a friend who would tell me to "never give up hope." But, realistically, in five years I'll be 40. If I haven't had the love bug bite me now, somebody has probably stepped on the cockroach. The thought of having someone nearby to cuddle and kiss is a constant wish I have. Yet I've never had that rapid beating heart of excitement when meeting someone I would dig being around (or rather I have - but the fellow in question isn't available for me to pursue to such an extent).

Any reply would be greatly appreciated.

Signed: Lovelorn? Or Lovelost?

Dear LOL:

If you had taken my advice about the naked photos, you wouldn't have to ask these questions. I'd have made a few bucks and every reader of Naked Next Door Neighbors would be beating down your door even as we speak.

(Well, OK, we're not actually speaking here, and I'm not sure it's your door they'd be beating, but you get my point, right?)

The only way to find love is to let love find you.

(Ooh, that's so zen!)

What I mean is that you won't fall in love sitting alone in your apartment (unless you fall in love with yourself, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, in and of itself, but not pertinent to your question.) You have to get yourself out, in some way or another, and open yourself up to the possibilities. There's someone out there for everyone, and the more places you go, the better your odds of running into that someone, especially if you're driving and they're jaywalking.

All seriousness aside, I was 32 when I met MY WIFE, and she was 34 when she met me. She had no real aspirations insofar as her future love life went and had some thoughts similar to yours. Then she met me and we've been married since 1994, so you're probably better off than her.

(I wasn't looking for love when I met her. I was looking for drunken sluts. Sometimes, however, God delivers more than we deserve at any particular moment.)

Here's my best straight-from-the-heart advice: Go places and meet people. If you're a churchgoer, attend some of the many get-togethers and celebrations your church no doubt has. Maybe they even have a 'singles' group. Otherwise, just circulate in places where nice single men already are. Think of your favorite activities and interests, then look for organizations involving those activities and interests. Join them as you're able, and you'll meet people who already have some things in common with you. Of course, if your favorite hobby is murdering people with an ax, you might not want to join a like-minded group since the membership is probably dwindling rather quickly. Anyway, go where the men are!

(That might mean a sports bar, I'm sorry to say. However, if you're a woman who enjoys sports and can talk about things like the infield fly rule in an intelligent manner, you'll find a sports bar to be THE best place for you. Men are almost always impressed with a woman who can actually talk about sports in an intelligent fashion AND who isn't a lesbian, much as women are amazed to find men who are both straight and fashion-conscious.)

(Women seem rather fond of mythical creatures such as unicorns and vampires, and some would say the straight fashion-conscious male falls into that category. Sitting here in my black jeans, Chuck Taylor high-tops, and a T-shirt emblazoned with Celtic's mascot Lucky The Leprechaun, I'm hardly in a position to argue.)

If all else fails, there are supposedly some wondrous computer dating websites these days. However, dating a computer has always sounded rather bizarre to me, and I would suppose that the sex is ultimately unfulfilling.

Best of luck, and I still say naked photos will get more men to your door than anything else. Whether you want those men is another story, of course, but you're 35, for goodness' sakes, so it might be a good idea to widen your scope to include a few perverts in the mix.


And that will do it for whatever in hell this was. If you have a question you'd like Poochie to answer in future, e-mail him at

Until then,

Beat L.A.!


Buck said...

Women seem rather fond of mythical creatures such as unicorns and vampires, and some would say the straight fashion-conscious male falls into that category.

Some? SOME? My Dear Dawg, I SO hope you are using poetic license here.

And hey... you really had me at "zen." I'm such a sucker for people who recognize my faith.

Ananda girl said...

Sage and well thought through.
Particularly on the subject of free beer!

I have one thing to toss in... being a 55 who recently found her one on computer... be careful if you go that route, however the one good thing is that these people are looking for what you want too and that means no worries about if he's married, gay or a monk.

Karen said...

DH just cannot understand how socks get lost. A lone sock has been on top of his dresser for months. (I'd have thrown it out by now.) One day I folded up 3 socks instead of two and put them in the drawer. He never said a word... just put the extra sock back on top of the dresser. It's become kind of a knick-knack sitting there.

CatLadyLarew said...

Thank you for the insightful answers to those questions. Do you have the phone number for the guy with the free beer? I don't really care for sports bars, so maybe you could hook the two of us up.

Daryl said...

Well at least there were no sports questions .. tho I hear there's a ump out there needing help finding his glasses .. see I am not totally sports ignorant

Quirkyloon said...

My my my! The wisdom of Suldog!

I think all your wonderful and wise solutions deserve a huge *woof*.


44 said...

Great now Sully will start setting people up as well.

Craig said...

Did someone say FREE BEER?!?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I'm noticing that the phrase "send me nude photos" turns up a lot in Poochie's advice.

Not a criticism, just an observation.

And Mrs. Slocombe says hello.

Eva Gallant said...

Love it!

Michelle H. said...

There's this thing you speak of called 'guilt'. I'm unfamiliar with that concept, but let me try to grasp your problem, anyway.

You are so busted on THAT one, dear sir... I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, if the writing gig fails maybe the photos you send me can raise some cash. I'll shop them around to the highest bidding pornographer and give you 10%.

I don't get it. Why is it that if the woman poses for nude photography and gets 10% but you, who doesn't lift a finger of work, makes 90% of the profits?

To "Perplexed in Pennsylvania," hold out for at least an 85/15 split, in your favor.

Maggie May said...

The free beer sounds a good deal. No need to feel guilty!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

lime said...

poochie, you're a genius. i don't even like beer and i have to agree with your advice on free beer!

Joan said...

You need to shop around and get yourself an Ask Suldog column. :)

slommler said...

I bow to the wisdom of the pooch!!

Jeni said...

FREE BEER! And in the basement of your own home, to boot? WOW! Now that is a no-brainer for sure. Well, at least it is in my book and I agree completely with your assessment that it is akin to having just won the lottery. Would a person feel guilt for having won the lottery because you got a ticket just ahead or just behind someone you know? I think not and the same principle applies to the free beer here! Now, tell me where to find this free stuff too, will ya? I'd be happy to come help drink it and not have a whit of guilt involved in doing that either!

Cricket said...

Ahhh, more sage advice from Poochie.

Word veri: uncloo. A hint in there?

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Well, "Perplexed in Pennsylvania" had me laughing from the get-go...And now Jackie has gotten into the act as well? It seems these Poochie columns are a HUGE hit!! You are so creative...I shake my head in amazement...and I am thankful that I found you and your blog!! Big smiles and hugs, my friend, Janine

Hilary said...

I sense a new blog coming on... fun stuff. :)

Chuck said...

Hey, you offered some legitimately good advice in this post! Now I'm really confused.

Land of shimp said...

There's this thing you speak of called 'guilt'. I'm unfamiliar with that concept, but let me try to grasp your problem, anyway.

What, what? Sir, you are Catholic! My husband's family is Catholic also. They butter their Remorse bread with a goodly slathering of Regret, dunk into the "I have shameful thoughts" stew and then head off to confession to talk about how a need to pee results in four days of self-loathing at the very least.

Or something like that. All I'm saying is Catholics and guilt are likethis.

I suspect Poochie of Protestantism.

By the way, I think that Free Beer dude would find that his burdensome feelings of responsibility and guilt would greatly lessen if he drank more beer.

LoL there is always the sage advice of one of my friends to fall back upon: "Boys are icky, and they will ruin your life."

I am married, and he's yet to ruin my life, but sometimes...little bit icky, truthfully ;-)

Teacher's Pet said...

Such wit....
Ever thought of writing a book? I'm serious, Jim.
Love being here...and you know that I get here as often as I can.
You have a heart of gold...and are a very clevuh guy....(with a terrific WIFE) Give her a smile and a hug for me. She's a jewel!
I'll be baaaaaaaack.
Barefooted and lovin' it!

Kathryn Magendie said...! *laughing*

HAW! I knew I needed to stop by here for a reason.....

Matt Conlon said...

For those of you wondering, I now have 15 gallons of beer in the basement fridge, 5 gallons of which will be opened on Saturday (6-12) and the other 10 on the 19th.

I drank enough store-bought beer during the process, that I really didn't feel all that guilty, regardless of my Catholic up brining... I just hope it's not disgusting.

To anyone interested in the hobby: Do it. Much fun. So much, you can even write a blog about it! ;)

I might have another question for poochie next week. If I ask how to get rid of 4 and a half gallons of terrible beer without impacting the local environment, you'll know how it turned out...

Carolina said...

Oh I've so enjoyed reading both questions and answers. Had me laughing all the way.

Big smile to all of you ;-)

Jenn said...

Seriously? What warm blooded person from Massachusetts would ever complain about free beer? You responded with the perfect answer, Poochie but sadly forgot to ask the obvious question in response --

Who are these neighbors of ours and how can we get invited to the parties?