Wednesday, February 24, 2010

If You Don't Find This Amusing, Have Some Cookies






I once owned a cat who adored watermelon. Any time I would have a slice, he would sidle up next to me and meow for some. The first couple of times he did so, I more-or-less ignored him. I said, "Silly cat! You don't want watermelon! I'll give you some mackerel after I'm done."

Finally, perhaps the third time he jumped up on the table and meowed for the watermelon, I said, "Okay, dopey, I'll give you a little piece, but you're going to be disappointed."

I broke off a tiny bit of the fruit and held it out for him. He gobbled it up, then meowed for more. I sliced off a couple of larger hunks and proffered them. He chomped on them greedily, even licking up the juices after the solid stuff had disappeared down his gullet. It was so much fun to see a cat lusting for watermelon, I gave him half of my slice, rind and all. He attacked it, devoured it down to the rind, and then he gnawed on that for a while, too. When the watermelon was completely gone, he seemed to be as sad as I was (and I was pretty sad, too, because I had given half of my watermelon to him.)

After that, whenever I had watermelon, I would cut him up a small bowl of it, and he'd dive into it with the sort of fervor usually reserved for female cats in heat. I've never seen another cat with such a taste for watermelon.

****************************************************************

Speaking of cats, I once tried smoking catnip.

This was during my more experimental drug days, as you might imagine. I was temporarily out of the sort of weed I usually smoked, and the catnip was handy. I figured, what the hell? Cats seem to have a great time with it, maybe I'll discover something really excellent and a bargain besides. I rolled a small catnip joint, lit it up, and took a cautious toke.

After waiting a minute, and seeing that I didn't die or go into a fit, I took another draw on it. The taste wasn't entirely unpleasant - nor was it something I'd do again just for that aspect of it. I checked all of the usual suspects for signs that something useful might be happening - paranoia; obsession with small details; unfunny things becoming hilarious; the delights of music multiplying exponentially. I came up blank. Nothing.

Well, I shouldn't really say "nothing." I had the strangest craving for watermelon...

****************************************************************

Speaking of watermelon, you're familiar with Murphy's Law, right? In case you need a refresher, here it is:

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Since the time when Murphy first uttered those words - probably after downing eight or nine pints, and then finding that his zipper was stuck - there have been a multitude of additions, addenda, and analyses from other philosopher types. For instance...

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law - Murphy was an optimist.

... which has always been my favorite.

I recently unearthed a few more.

Klink's Theory of Relativity - All tragedy, no matter how horrendous, will eventually become comic material.

Ramone's Law of Reduction - Everything can be simplified, and usually to good effect.

Moe's Dictum Regarding Free Speech - Just because you're free to say whatever you want, that doesn't mean you won't get a ripsaw dragged across your noggin for having done so.

Curly's Corollary to Moe's Dictum - N'yuk! N'yuk! N'yuk! Ow!

Fluffy's Valid Observation - There's a reason they call it catnip, Jim. As a matter of fact, it's the same reason why they call the stuff that gets you off, "dope". Hey! Is that watermelon? Yum!

**************************************************************

Speaking of segues, I don't have one. However, let's finish this off with...

Sullivan's Suggestions for Happy Living

Never stand if you can sit.

Never sit if you can lie down.

Never run when you can walk.

Never walk when you can ride.

If somebody is perfectly happy pulling your wagon, it makes little sense for you to get out and push.

Cookies make everything better.

And, if you find yourself with the opportunity to take a pee, what are you gonna gain if you don't? Of course, if you ate less watermelon, you wouldn't have to pee so often.


***************************************************************

Speaking of Google, if you enter "Cat Watermelon" in a search for images, you will come up with an amazing assortment of photos to choose from. Who knew? The one I chose to adorn the top of this page came from Epic Pics Of Win. I would have assumed LOLCATS, but I smoke catnip. What do I know?

Soon, with meow better stuff.


49 comments:

Michelle H. said...

I once had a cat who liked to drink cold tea and eat green beans. Discovered this when I had a cup of tea out and went to the bathroom. Next thing I knew, I found him dunking his paw into my glass and licking it up, then noshing on my plate of veggies. I just hoped he washed his paws after using the litter box.

Jazz said...

I had a cat who had a thing for carrots. And olives.

Bruce Coltin said...

But to your credit, you never tried to smoke watermellon. Or did you?

She Writes said...

I have never heard of a cat eating watermelon! Endearing :).

I loved what you commented yesterday at my blog about YOUR WIFE and your voice! Amazing what a voice can do :).

Quirkyloon said...

You smoked catnip?

Interesting.

Okay. Time for cookies! hee hee hee

Eva Gallant said...

Loved the visual and also the story about your cat loving watermelon. You smoking catnip, not so much!

Brian Miller said...

my cat took on an alligator...

Jeni said...

Apparently today is the day for pet posts as this one and the one just before it on my reader are both about pets (your post and the one by Magazine Man's dog, Blaze.) I've not noticed anything peculiar that our cats -or the dog now too -will eat, but the mutt (Duffy) I had back in my high school days (back in the dark ages long ago, ya know) would eat spaghetti -but only if someone twirled it on a fork and held the fork out for him to eat from that implement. Watermelon though -hmmm, since that isn't one of my most favorite substances, I doubt our felines or the canine will have an opportunity to see if its a substance they might savor.
Do you believe this too -I'm actually among the early birds today reading and commenting on your post! How did I manage to get that to happen?

Eleonora said...

Cats n watermelon... Hn, interesting.
My cat used to eat newspapers. Thise felines are strange, they are

Suldog said...

Brian says...

"my cat took on an alligator..."

To which I reply...

Well, I certainly can't let that go by without asking you to tell us about it. Was it ever written about at your place?

Suldog said...

Bruce - No, never smoked watermelon. I did try that thing with banana skins. That was even worse than the catnip.

Suldog said...

Jeni - Well, Jeni, even if YOU don't like watermelon, why deprive your kitties? Run out and buy one for them. If they don't like it, I'm sure some of the younger humans will :-)

Suldog said...

Eleonora - Well, heck, I used to have another cat that chased silverfish (fast silvery many-legged bugs that show up in bathtubs from time to time) and eat them when he caught them. NOTHING cats eat seems too strange to me after seeing that :-)

Cricket said...

Ah, experimentation. Having always been the kind to say wotthehell, back in the day I tried not only catnip and the infamous Mellow Yellow, but also poppy leaves, poppy petals and a number of other things that hardly lived up to the rumors.

Never tried watermelon... I'd imagine it might be hard to keep it lit?

A dog-in-law of mine was inordinately fond of carrots, grapes, and ice cubes. All you had to do was use the ice-maker and she'd come running.

It sort of makes you rethink the whole reincarnation thing... dogs aren't supposed to like fruits and vegetables, are they?

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Okay, Jim, here's a high compliment: I really enjoyed this piece in spite of the fact that I do not like cats nor watermelon. Watermelon falls into that same category as eating crab. It's good, but usually not worth the trouble.

Reasons said...

Had a dog once who liked satsumas...and, when living a Canada, cat who thought he could take on a racoon.

Uncle Skip, said...

I don't know about watermelon eating cats, but we once had a golden retriever that love chickens... so much so that he had to be caged because the neighbors were up in arms (literally).

You showed a great deal of restraint with the Murphy's Laws... or you haven't seen the list I've seen.

Maggie May said...

Strange tales indeed! Kept me reading though right to the end.
As long as you didn't try to smoke the cat!

Nuts in May

slommler said...

ROFL!! Well I love watermelon but have no cat! So I don't have to share! Neener Neener!!!
Hugs
SueAnn
PS Yes don't smoke the cat! I don't think he will like it!

Elaine said...

I didn't think cats actually smoked catnip, I thought they rolled around in it, rubbed their faces in it, and got a bit horny. You should try taking it to bed with you - perhaps making a catnip matress. She'd be all over you like a ....a....like a cat on catnip, I reckon.

Suldog said...

Brian has sent me a link to his excellent cat story:

http://www.waystationone.com/2009/03/animal-cat-vs-alligator.html

Worth the trip!

Fab, feisty and fifty... said...

that was a great tonic actually...nay watermelon?

lots of funny and amusing posts, just the thing, thanks!

and thanks for your comments over at mine...it is heart warming to know people are rooting and have got my back, in a manner of speaking...

saz x

Suldog said...

Knucklehead - I feel the same way about crab (and lobster, for that matter.) Unless it's shelled, I'll have a steak, thanks.

What I do with a watermelon these days, in order to facilitate the eating, is slice off whatever size hunk of it I feel I can consume, then I take a knife to it. That is, I strip the rind from it completely and put the flesh in a bowl or on a plate. I then wash up BEFORE eating begins, and eat it with a spoon or fork and never have trouble with the messiness, having taken care of that prior to eating.

Another tip for tidiness: If you buy a whole watermelon, and cut it lengthwise, you can use an ice cream scoop on it, much like a giant melon baller.

Jim, a.k.a. Helpful Heloise

~jill said...

did you smoke the catnip before you wrote this?....wow, my brain couldn't keep up this morning.

Daryl said...

Once had a cat who reacted that way to canteloupe.... I hadnt considered smoking catnip ...

Craig said...

(*Yosemite Sam voice*):

Aaahhh HATES felines. . .

Not, you know, that that implies anything for anyone else. . .

Buck said...

Ramone's Law of Reduction works for me. But shouldn't that have been Ramones' Law (plural possessive, ever the pedant I am)? I mean, Johnny WAS right. Or Dee Dee, in honor of yourfineself. All of 'em, actually.

Karen said...

When I went grocery shopping and left apples or oranges on the counter while unpacking, my cat (Tiger-- original, I know) would jump up on the counter and roll each and every apple or orange off just to watch it hit the floor and roll. I thought it was fascinating that he would know which items would roll. He never jumped on the counter and tried to bat a loaf of bread to the ground! Had another cat who ate green peas.... loved them!

Shrinky said...

The only way I can get my dog into the shower is with a freshly peeled bananna. As for the cat, she's far too wise to fall for that old fruit trick, but she is a very old lady now, and as such, she has taken up the right to not groom and to smell strongly of piss. Maybe a watermelon might do the trick?

And I seriously think all this acid you dropped in your mis-spent youth has finally come home to roost..!

Suldog said...

Karen - Tiger (don't feel bad about the name - I had one named Tigger) was a smart cat. I can't say the same for the one that liked peas. Yuck.

Suldog said...

Shrinky - I would suggest that instead of trying to feed watermelon to the pissy cat you rub her with it. She'll smell better - if you don't mind a cat that smells of watermelon.

And, by the way, MY acid use is coming home to roost? You're the one luring dogs into the shower with bananas, not me, lady.

Joan said...

Helpful Heloise - that was funny.
We had a cat who loved popcorn. We have had many others, but no others had a certain craving.

TechnoBabe said...

I had a cat I named Clem Kadiddlehopper in honor of Red Skelton. Clem loved cut up apple.

Thank Sullivan for the suggestions.

Kathryn Magendie said...

Yes, cookies do indeed make everything better - wish I had a cookie right now!

-I have your photos and your quote! Soon as I have everyone's together, I'll be working on that calendar..thank you for being such a good sport - so far, you are the only guy -- !

Hilary said...

You tried to smoke catnip? Silly Suldog! You're not supposed to smoke that stuff.

...you bake it in brownies. ;)

Several of the dogs in my nieghbourhood love watermelon. When a number of us are out chatting in summer, someone inevitably cuts some up for the dogs as thirst quenchers. They practically line up for it. :)

One of my old long-gone felines used to love Mandarin oranges. In fact she was deliriously happy around Christmas time each year because our fridge was stocked with Mandarin oranges, egg nog and turkey.

Angela Christensen said...

Yay for Curly's Corollary! Come to think of it, YAY for Suldog! Because after all, what isn't better with cookies? The man is clearly a genius.

George said...

I guess you told me, Jim! :)

I love the pic of the cat. I wished I liked watermelon half as much as that cat does.

lime said...

that's pretty funny. i don't know which is funnier, the cat loving watermelon or you smoking a catnip joint to no effect.

Mariann Simms said...

I had a cat that would eat lima beans.

I've also smoked catnip when I was young and "experimental". It worked for about five minutes and then wore off. Perhaps you didn't have the freshest of nip?

I caught my cat doing the "dip the paw in - lick it off" routine in my glass when I left it unattended one day. Needless to say I put my glass on top of the cabinet when I go in another room now.

The ickiest thing I can think of my cat did was this: It would drink out of the toilet (no biggie - lots of animals do)...but then I saw it licking my toothbrush one day. Then I remembered how it would drink out of the toilet...and how many times I brushed my teeth with my toothbrush. Yeah...I cover my toothbrush now with a little Dixie cup.

Live and learn...

Moannie said...

So many things I have never done-no funny ciggies, pills or too much booze-is it all too late? Would I have tried feeding lodging cat watermelon had I been a bit less of a scaredy cat? Would my dog now be addicted to cigars?

♥ Braja said...

Now I wanna smoke catnip.

IT said...

Didn't ever think of smokin' catnip. Tried some other stuff though.
Never got real excited about watermelon, either. Can't say I ever turned it down, but if it was a sport, I wouldn't pay to watch.
Thought I didn't like cats. Then realized how many I've had as pets. So I guess I must make some exceptions.
Cookies are another story. Oreos are a staple. Then there's home baked, from scratch, ginger snaps.
And that Murphy, he was another brilliant Irishman.

Ananda girl said...

Hey... I had a cat that was like that about cantelope too.

Back in the day our rival hippy school had a garden. Some of our students decided to raid this garden... in the dark. They returned with limp plants that they put in a mom's dehydrator... then rolled them up. Unfortunately they had mistakenly pulled the tomato plants.

When I laughed and asked if they had gotten high at all... one replied, No but I got a hell of a headache.

Land of shimp said...

Hehe, I'm having fun imagining that you smoked your way through an entire spice rack after that, "This just in, Basil does nothing." "Dill gave me a headache." "Lemon pepper irritates the sinuses!"

Our cat likes cookies and cakes. These aren't good for him, so our vet has said. Evidently the cat doesn't care. Tunafish he will ignore, eggnog is to be fought for with all his might.

My favorite is Godwin's Law:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law

Just because it was something I'd noticed long before I ever found out that it had a name :-)

Mushy said...

Other than the cat photo and references...this was a very funny post. Strange you talked about peeing...I can relate to that of late!

Chris Stone said...

cookies may make everything better, but brownies rock. ;)

pass the catnip please...

Tim King said...

Jim, this article had me in stitches right from the cat-watermelon photo. I don't know why. But I couldn't stop laughing!

I once had a cat who liked spaghetti and sauce. Didn't matter whether there were meatballs, although if there were, he'd eat 'em.

-TimK

Eddie Bluelights said...

Nevewr thought I'd read about a cat liking water melon LOL

Jenn said...

Cats sure are strange little creatures, mine used to play fetch with beer bottle caps. Now I think she really just wanted the beer remnants. Good thing I didn't let her near my cookies.