Thursday, December 31, 2009

The State Of The Suldog Address

What with a new year coming - at least, that's what the media is telling us, but we all know how reliable they are - I thought it would be worthwhile to pull this one out of the mothballs. Not one heck of a lot has changed since the original publication date. That was about three years ago, as I recall, but we all know how reliable I am. Anyway, it's as funny now as it was then. Insert your own cruel joke here.


Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
Welcome to The State Of The Suldog address.
If you want to be happy, take my advice
Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Ha-Ha. Just a little poetic humor to break the tension. Since Suldog has long since passed a hemi-centennial - among other things, especially with all the fruitcake he eats - I thought there might be some trepidation among you as to the particulars of this speech. I see now that you don’t really give a rat’s ass, so I’ll just continue on in the customary oblivious fashion.

Before we go on, though, I do want to say that I’m very pleased to see that most of you have dressed appropriately for the occasion. There seems to be only one of you wearing just underwear. That’s OK. I’m behind a podium, so I didn’t see the need to wear pants, either. Rage against the machine, my brother!

(Or my sister. It’s hard to tell from this distance.)

I’ll kick things off with a general overview. Everything that Suldog is supposed to have two of, he still does. The same holds true for those things of which he should have either one or ten. No necessary parts are missing and it is hoped that this good trend will continue for the foreseeable future.

OK. For specifics, let’s start at the top and work our way down.

I hate to begin on a low note, but it’s no secret that the top of the skull is a problem. This area has been hit extremely hard by recession. I think it’s safe to say that the recession is over, but that hardly mitigates the fact that the entire region has already been declared a disaster area. I could put a positive spin on this by saying that there have been significant savings due to non-expenditure on hair sprays, pomades, gels, mousse, and all other things usually associated with such regions, but that would be disingenuous. I’m not here to kid you, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here to give you the bald truth.

Now, the area directly beneath the skullcap is another thing altogether. There is reason to believe that there might be significant growth here since I smell bacon at the oddest times. No, just kidding; nothing to worry about. Everything is the same in this area as it has always been. I can assure you that there has been no increase in gray matter.

As alluded to briefly earlier, there are still two eyes. However, we have had to invest in capital improvements in order to optimize function. At this time, the addition of constructions mostly made from glass has improved the outlook tremendously. I must be truthful with you and tell you that there is further degradation expected in the future. At that time, we may look into surgical strikes as an alternative or, barring that, a striped cane and a dog.

The ears are still one of the most outstanding features of Suldog. As a matter of fact, if they were any more outstanding, he wouldn’t be able to fit through doorways. Barump-bump!

No, no, the ears are just fine. As body parts go - and they’re all going to sometime - the ears have proven themselves to be a fine investment. They are an integral component of Suldog’s livelihood and I’m willing to go so far as to say that an increased expenditure for muffs is probably warranted.

(I said, "muffs", plural. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is serious business here.)

Closely associated with the ears are the nose and throat. In earlier times, as you are probably all aware, the nose was not in good shape at all. This was due to the unnatural influx of snow during the 1980’s. As a result of the constant freezing of the area at that time, there remain major blockages and detours in the infrastructure. There has been full economic recovery, but that has not meant a return to previous levels of functionality. We have been able to achieve significant clearage through the use of oxymetazoline hydrochloride, but this remedy is always temporary and must be undertaken four or five times daily. Now, I realize that there are alarmists among you who contend that this is actually damaging the structure to a greater extent, rather than ensuring a long-term solution. To this I say, *SNORT*.

As for the throat, it is more than earning its keep. It is the one area of Suldog that consistently shows a surplus. This is despite the fact that it demands more and more cookies almost every day. Along with the tongue, it has shown an amazing ability to… well, let’s be honest. It basically supports the whole enterprise. Three cheers for the throat! I propose an expenditure for a scarf, along with the previously mentioned muffs allowance.

(Muffs. Plural. Please!)

As much as I’d like to quickly go on to other areas, I can’t leave the head without mentioning our dreaded enemies, the teeth. As you are well aware, we have been battling these white menaces for much of the past 50 years. After decades of attempts at pacifying them by building them canals and bridges – even offering them crowns - we finally came to the sad conclusion, a few years back, that total eradication was the only feasible solution to this problem. This was not an easy decision. We had attempted to show them, earlier, by removal of particularly troubling members of their sect one at a time, that we were prepared to wage all-out war if necessary. This strategy did not work. They became more and more calcified in their obstinance. The time had come for drastic action. We made a last ditch effort to impress upon some of them that they must either acquiesce or pay the supreme penalty. We forcibly removed 12 of their number and replaced them with allies from the land of Dentitia. This still did not produce the desired effect in the remaining teeth. They are as troubling as before, if not more so. Therefore, I am ordering that carpet bombings of caramel be initiated and let the chips fall where they may.

We will now move on to the body. Before we do, though, I need to acknowledge those of you who have been clamoring for the body to be re-named "The Big Tub Of Goo". While this may seem like an appropriate appellation to you, I think it does a disservice to something which has served us quite well over the years. Granted, it has at times given us shitty results, while at other times it has pissed away our chances, but I think it should be noted that it takes a lot of guts to handle all of the crap we’ve sometimes asked it to digest and even though certain members of the body are nuts, you have to admit that, overall, a lot of heart has been shown - as well as the occasional pimple after one too many greasy meals, but let’s not dwell on that.

(I would also be remiss if I didn’t at this point acknowledge the intestines, who have suggested that the following be named our official anthem:

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
Let’s eat beans at every meal!

This suggestion will be taken under advisement until the next meeting of the cabinet where we store the cans.)

There has been some talk lately concerning improvements for the lungs. Most notably, there has been seen a growing movement to have the lungs smokeproofed. While I consider this an interesting idea, and one that may well pay dividends over time, the immediate outlook is not favorable. In every instance whereupon this course of action has been attempted, the brain has gone on strike. Unless we can shut down the brain entirely, I see no way to accomplish this goal.

Speaking of shutting down the brain entirely, we now come to the penis. While this is definitely not a profit center, it has been a consistent performer. As you’ll recall, in the months prior to Suldog’s birth, a vote was taken upon the acquisition of genitals. At that time, the Y chromosome delegation carried the day and it was decided to go with a penis rather than a vagina. This was despite the strongly logical appeals of the X chromosome faction which stated that a vagina could, in fact, become a money maker at a later date if so desired, while all a penis would ever be good for was a few laughs. In a classic case of circuses over bread, the penis was acquired.

I think it is safe to say that this acquisition has turned out to be a mixed blessing. When the penis is in use, it certainly seems like the right choice was made. We have never been let down by it and our trading partners seem satisfied as well. However, the opportunities with which we have been presented to complete such interactions have not been as numerous as once hoped for. Of course, that may be because these opportunities are hoped for on a 24/7 basis and perhaps we are, in actuality, meeting worldwide averages. If so, that’s why there are so many wars.

Well, there’s nowhere to go from here but down, so let’s go there. The ass is doing its job and I daresay that none of us would want to, so that’s a good thing. There were reports that a team of astronomers had discovered a moon circling the ass, but it was later shown that it was Uranus, not mine.

The legs are in pretty good shape. They’re still strong enough to carry Suldog around the bases - and with a fair amount of speed for someone who eats so much cheese, I might add. As long as this is the case, no time or effort need be spent on improving their function via such ridiculous enterprises as jogging. Since the upcoming softball season will, as usual, be Suldog’s last (until the following one, of course) there appears to be no reason to change the policy which has gotten us this far. When one considers that such great ballplayers as Yastrzemski, Williams, DiMaggio, Aaron and Mays were completely washed up before the age of 45, the accomplishment of Suldog playing into a 53rd year may be seen in an entirely new and complimentary light. Pass the corn chips, please.

In conclusion, the past 52 years have seen tremendous growth - especially around the middle - and the state of Suldog is Massachusetts. As for the next 52 years, I’d estimate about 27, with the last 5 being utterly dreadful.

It is customary at this point to say, "I will now entertain questions from the floor", but the floor can’t talk, so that would just be silly. Instead, I’ll say thank you for coming - but if you actually did, then maybe you should be thanking me.

Oh, just one more thing. The official motto will be remaining the same.

Soon, with more better stuff.

There was a movement to change it to God help us, you'd think he'd have run out of idiotic things to say by now, but funding wasn't available.


The Omnipotent Q said...

Here's to another 52 years, Suldog! Hope you have a wonderful New Year my friend!

Ruth and Glen said...

Enjoyed this the second time around as much as the first. :o) Happy New Year to you Suldog.

Ananda girl said...

Ha! I enjoyed this very much. I shall never think of my teeth as mere teeth again!

Jackie said...

I didn't see this the first time around, and I laughed and loved it as I read it this morning.
Crown to soles, may your new year be a splendid one. Warmest smilest to you from Jackie

Kathleen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lime said...

i'm glad the state of the suldog is still hale and hearty. were i to give a state of the lime i'd say there has been a significant increase in grey matter but it's been that which is affixed externally to the head rather than that which is contained that regard there has been a significant decrease.

Kathleen said...

Suldog, you are brilliant. I was rivited to your your incisive analysis. I'd welcome a brush with this piece again next ear, I mean year. It did leave me chewing on one question though: Hasn't the state of dentition changed?

(I may have to give such an address a try--but I don't think I'd have the balls to post it. Well, truth me told, I know I don't have them and never will. Of my own, that is. Hmmm . . . maybe I could ask Mr. B to post it.)

Happy New Year to my new friend (who admittedly makes me laugh and laugh).

(There, much better than the comment I extracted.)

Hilary said...

You never fail to make me smile. You must have budgeted very well to be able to provide that luxury. I applaud you for that. :)

Elaine Denning said...

Happy New Year, Suldog. I hope it's amazing for you both. x

Shrinky said...

Am I allowed to gloat I'm 2yrs your junior? Now, if only I can gather as much wit by my fifty-second..!

You never fail to raise a chuckle, a brilliantly observed piece, Jim.


Michelle H. said...

Oh MLGF, sometimes I wonder what to do with you... thanks for the laughs! Happy New Year!

Muffs... hee-hee

Land of shimp said...

I truly enjoyed this, Suldog, wonderfully witty and with plenty of puns that were highly enjoyable.

This being New Year's Eve, I couldn't help but wonder what the State of the Liver might be, how the Twin Ocean Nations of Kidney might be faring, and how the Urethra might be preparing for the deluge.

Or perhaps that's just my household on New Year's.

Have a wonderful New Year, and thank you for what was a highly entertaining post :-)

Brian Miller said...

well i guess there is no decline in sight for the recession and while capital improvements may be made in some long as you keep the same funny bone. happy new year suldog.

Marian Dean said...

A great fun read, to read again is fun! My imagination is running amok!!!

Love Granny

verification is amusingly 'bogyllbod'

Sniffles and Smiles said...

ROFL...You are so very, very clever!!! What a great spoof!!! And there is not one of us who does not mourn our physical your humor speaks to the heart as well!!! As always, fantastic! Looking forward to more of your wit...and yes, I'll say the new year!!! Happy New Year, Jim!! Hugs, Janine

Buck said...

Heh. I know you left work early so you won't see this until we're well into the New Year. But... Happy New Year! I shall raise a glass to you and yours this evening, Jim. Thanks for all the grins, giggles, and guffaws over the last few... ummm... many!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Looking forward to seeing you on my door-step then, bold, brave Suldog!

And talking of pants, keep them on - There's enough 'easy-listening' nudity around the Crawford household given Mr C's preponderance for dropping them as soon as he crosses the threshold!

My best to you, Sir, and to Lovely Her-Indoors, Maitress of the Teddies xox

Craig said...

I have posted in the past about my own hair issues which, alas, seem not to be quite as severe as yours. . .

And listen, as a married man, you should be well past the need for expenditures on muffs, anyways. . .

Merry Christmas (what's left of it) and a happy and prosperous 2010 for you and YOUR WIFE. . .

Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

Some reruns are classics. Happily, yours have all been worth re-posting. This one ranks right up there with The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

Cricket said...

Surely ye'll be your pint-stowp
An' surely I'll be mine
We'll tak a cup o'kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

Happy 2010, my swell pal

~j said...

still a good read!

Have a fantastic New year!

Daryl said...

Cheers! *clink* Happy New Year!

Unknown said...

Oh, Suldog, thanks so much for all the laughs! That was brilliant! I loved every pun!

Chris said...

I think I caught this one last year, but it's just as entertaining this time around.

Muffs. Plural. Got it.

Anonymous said...

This was new to me, Suldog, thank you for the laughs, for the stories, for the insights, and for your kindness.
A very happy and healthy New Year to you and to your LADY WIFE.

Karen said...

Yes, it still is funny. No, really! Happy New Year, Suldog!

Ed said...

Well, my blog roll starts anew tomorrow. I'd be honored if you participate again in 2010. Leave a comment and you're on the blog roll! Thanks for visiting and commenting in 2009.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Loved it Jim. Very clever and of course this is the first time I have seen it.
I am still laughing as I type this.
Happy New Year my friend ~ Eddie

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

So I tried to think of something clever... forget clever and have a Happy New Year!!!

Susan English Mason said...

When selecting muffs, comfort reigns supreme. I like the buff colored rabbit fur kind myself.

Happy New Year!

Unknown said...

So... I gotta tell ya. Today, we watched Stand By Me, and you remember the scene with Lardass and the barf-o-rama? This post tops it.


P.S. I'll leave you to figure out whether that's a good thing or not. :-)

david mcmahon said...

G'day Suldog - all the very best for 2010 to you, O Creative Soul.

Anonymous said...

Keep blogging Mr. Dog! I hope to get to Massachusetts sometime, maybe this upcoming year who knows what fate will bring?

Happy New Year from the Rockies and the Great Basin.


Maggie May said...

That just about covers you from top to tail!
Fun post.
Hoping 2010 will bring you all the things that you wouls wish for yourself.
Is this the year of the great diet?

Nuts in May

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Excellent. I too have all my bits and I'm years older than you. Unfortunately they dont all work!

Anonymous said...

There are parts of this that I'm not sure I should think are funny, but just between you and me, I think the whole thing is HILAROUS! I can't wait for Hubby to get up so that he (who has NO preconceived notions of what he SHOULD think is funny) can read it because I know he is going to love it.

Very, very funny.

i beati said...

Go for it . My boss is shouting at me this morning a wonderful way to begin the said...

Purdy good more better stuff!

Carolina said...

Hehehelarious! Good job I didn't have something to drink reading this. It would have been my death. Instead, the screen is now covered in snot. Nice!

Happy New Year to you and your wife.

Janet said...

Somehow I missed this the first time - absolutely stellar. Thanks for starting the new year off right!

Anonymous said...

Sully, I haven't been around in years, but I wanted to check out the Old Dog and see how he was doing. Sounds like everything is just fine. Though, an investment in muff is not necessarily a bad idea... ;)

Matt W.

Jeni said...

I've said this before, but what the heck, will say it again -you never cease to amuse me -or amaze me either! Loved your "State of the Suldog" and here's hoping you get those 27 more years -and then some.

Suldog said...

Matt W.? Matt Wid... well, you can fill in the rest if you are. Drop me a line, Matt. Let me know how you're doing; if you're playing ball, etc.