Monday, July 20, 2009

Of Teeth And Tripleheaders

[Me, before the story that follows. When you get to the part about my teeth breaking, picture me without the six teeth you can see on the bottom, OK?]

Say you were me, with your fast-pitch softball team facing possible elimination from the playoffs come Sunday. What would you consider a good sign concerning the weekend? If God sent you a message, and you were to interpret it as a portent of good things to come, what might that message be? Is it possible that having your dental prosthesis snap into three pieces while eating an egg roll might be seen as a prophecy for success?

No, I didn’t think so, either.

That’s what happened to me on Friday night, though. I had just gotten home from work and was feeling extremely good. I had the entire weekend in front of me and three softball games to play on Sunday. There was leftover Chinese food in the refrigerator. Life doesn’t get much better than that (at least for me, which may seem a shame to some of you, but I like it.)

I took some lobster sauce with shrimp, and some fried rice, and put it into the microwave to heat. While it was getting warmed up, I figured I’d eat an egg roll. I opened up a container of duck sauce, dipped the egg roll into it, and then took a big bite out of it. Or, at least, that’s what I tried to do. Instead of my choppers going through the egg roll, leaving me with a mouthful of savory goodness, my choppers snapped in two places at once, leaving me with a mouthful of obscenities.

"Oh, whudda fug! Muvvafugga! Chit! Boo Chit!"

(There is little in this world more humorous than a man trying to swear when he suddenly finds himself with six fewer teeth than he had a moment ago. In abeyance, of course. While it was happening, I wasn’t laughing.)

You don’t hear a loud *CRACK* inside of your mouth all that often, so I knew immediately what had happened. It had happened to me once before, about eight years ago, when I had had a similar experience eating pizza.

(Perhaps, rather than a sign from God concerning the coming weekend, it is just His way of telling me I should be eating a healthier diet? Nah, couldn’t be that.)

The incident with the pizza was with my uppers. At that time, had it involved my lowers, it would have been much more surprising since I still had my lower teeth. Anyway, it went down like this.

MY WIFE and I were sitting in The Pleasant Cafe in Roslindale eating some pasta and pizza. I had just recently been fitted with a set of temporary uppers. I was happy as a clam. All the work seemed to be going well. I had no discomfort. I was eating good food in one of my favorite dives. I picked up a slice of pizza and bit into it.


Since my mouth was mostly closed around the pizza, the sound resonated in my head. It apparently made no noise outside of my head; MY WIFE told me later that she didn't hear a thing. Well, I knew it had to be something bad because you don't hear a big old *CRACK* inside your noggin unless something serious has happened.

I felt around inside my mouth with my tongue and immediately found the damage. The new prosthesis had snapped almost in half. It was no longer firmly anchored to my incisors, either. The two halves were still attached, but barely, and if I opened my mouth, the whole works might have plopped out into my dish of spaghetti.

MY WIFE looked up from eating and saw what must have been a look of some terror on my face. She immediately said, "What's wrong? Are you OK?"

By clenching my teeth together, the prosthesis stayed more-or-less in place where it should have been. I had to be careful speaking because I could have cut my tongue on the sharp edge where it had broken. I said, through the clenched teeth, "My... plate... broke."

She looked down at my spaghetti.

"No... the... plate... in... my... mouf."

It took a moment for that to register. Once it did, she knew I couldn't eat anything else. She said she'd get the waitress to come and pack up our food so we could go home.

While she looked for the waitress, I sat there with my jaw clenched, embarrassed. I was sure that everybody else in the restaurant knew I was a guy sitting there with a broken plate in his mouf.

On the ride home, MY WIFE told me about her conversation with the waitress.

"My husband just broke his plate, so could you please pack up our spaghetti and pizza to take home?"

"Broke his plate? We can get him a new one. You don't have to leave."

"No, he broke his plate."

"Really, it's no problem! I'll be glad to get him a new plate of spaghetti."

My mouth had become an Abbott & Costello routine.

Since that debacle, I’ve had my lowers done. You can more-or-less read about it HERE, if you’re of a particularly sadistic frame of mind and have an hour to kill and don't mind a story about drugs and bugs. The bottom line is that this prosthesis was one I hoped would be in place, without repair, until at least October, possibly a few months beyond then. Now I was faced with the possibility of having to have a new one fashioned, at considerable unaffordable-at-the-present-moment expense.

Boo Chit!

I was sad, but I was furious even more so. I was NOT going to spend my weekend in a dentist’s chair. I immediately decided, even as I held my teeth in my hands, that I would either repair the damn thing myself or just plain go without until Monday. I had a weekend to enjoy and I was going to enjoy it, teeth or no teeth.

But first, I had lobster sauce and fried rice.

Yes, I was so frickin’ mad – as in insane - that I decided I was going to eat the Chinese food first. I was hungry, I wanted it, and if God had some sort of telegram for me, I wasn’t taking delivery until after I had eaten.

I took the plate of food out of the microwave, brought it into the living room – leaving the remnants of my teeth on the sink – and chowed down as best I could. Here’s something to remember, though, should you find yourself in a similar situation: bottom teeth help to hold food in your mouth. You can scrape stuff off of the fork with your uppers, but much of it will dribble out onto the floor unless you shut your mouth really tight. I learned this lesson by the third forkful.


While I sat there gumming my shrimp, I formulated a plan. Immediately upon spitting my teeth out into my hand, I had gone to the bathroom to look in the mirror and assess the damage. The break had occurred at the two anchors of the prosthesis. That is, the ends of the denture were still glued solidly onto the three filed-down real teeth (two on one side of my mouth, one on the other) onto which it had originally been fitted. The middle portion I held in my hand was intact and, when I put it into my mouth – gingerly - I found that it fit perfectly against the jagged breaks. It was probably fixable. I swallowed the last of the not-chewed-very-thoroughly shrimp and went into the kitchen to look for (Are you ready? The adjectival portion of the name fits perfectly) a tube of Krazy Glue.

Oh, yes. I know. You needn’t tell me, and you know me well enough by now to know I wouldn’t listen, anyway. Any number of hideous things could have happened. I could have ended up with my tongue permanently adhered to the roof of my mouth, or perhaps had my lips glued shut, which some folks would have DEFINITELY taken as a sign from God, but I did it. And, you know what? It worked. Thus far, my teeth are still glued in place and there’s only the tiniest bit of misalignment from how they were before. When you take every bad thing that could have happened into consideration, I’m an idiot, yes, but I’m a relatively happy one, at least for the moment, and I have the smile to prove it. I’m not taking any chances, however, and I am eating nothing but soft foods and liquids until I’m absolutely sure that chomping down on, say, a piece of steak, won’t bring about a repeat performance.

And now, to bed, to dream of softball supremacy. Tomorrow we play a tripleheader, a round robin, to determine who gets into the playoffs. We have to win two of the three games we play. If we don’t, the world will come to an end. Well, no, it’s nothing that dire, but it will make me a very unhappy camper and I’d like to think my quota of unhappiness was filled to the brim with the teeth thing. We’ll see.

(By the way, I’ve always said that everything God does, He does for a purpose. And I’ve found that even the things I thought sucked while they were happening always have led me to a better place eventually. I believe that’s the case in this situation, too, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how or why. It will happen, though. It always does.)

Pollyanna, over and out.


It’s 7:45pm, Sunday night. I just now got a joke Big Jay Atton made at 8:30am this morning.

I didn’t realize he was making a joke at the time. See, I was warming up for our games, first one to the field, as usual. He and Buddy were the next ones to arrive. While Buddy went off to buy a drink someplace, Big Jay told me that toasters were on sale at Walgreen’s. I said something non-committal like, "Gee, Jay, that would be swell if I needed a toaster."

D’Oh! He was making a joke about a joke that I had made and I didn’t realize it. I had forgotten that I wrote, in the last entry to this blog, that I’d be taking a toaster into the shower with me if we lost and didn’t make the playoffs. Here’s a guy who actually reads the crap I write, and I dissed him.

Oh, well. Sorry, Jay!

It’s all good, anyway. Turns out I didn’t need the toaster.

BOMBERS – 30 Courtesy Flush – 0
BOMBERS – 12 Moe Howard Club – 9
BOMBERS – 20 Brighton All-Stars – 10

The Bombers took care of business in a spectacular way. We are in the playoffs. Of the other participants in the lower-tier round-robin, The Moe Howard Club also got in. They won two of three, their only loss to us.

Poor Courtesy Flush. We just shredded them in game one, the All-Stars shut them out 11 – 0 in their next game, and then they had a real chance to win their first game of the season, taking Moe Howard into the final inning before losing. They trailed, 9 – 6, but they had bases loaded with two out. We like the guys on Moe Howard a lot, but I think all of us were rooting for Courtesy Flush to pull it off. Alas, their last batter struck out and they were 0 and 17 for the year.

OK, enough about other teams. Here’s the wonderful day the Bombers had.

Well, first off, when you win a game 30 – 0, most everybody gets to fatten up their batting averages. Everybody except Big Jay Atton. He went 2-for-3 and had his average go down. That’s what happens when you’re batting something like .750 coming into a game.

(For the record, Big Jay went 9 of 11, with 3 home runs, so he actually raised his average when all was said and done. On top of that, he pitched the shutout in game one. He’s the only ballplayer on the planet having a better year than Albert Pujols.)

Cam Zirpolo and Pat Atton each had 5 RBI in game one. Pat hit a grand slam in the first inning, putting a cap on the 9 runs we scored before recording an out. In all we scored 13 in the first. We put up another 13 in the fourth. By the time the dust had cleared, we had the most lopsided win in team history.

Then it was time to make the playoffs. We had Moe Howard next. They had beaten the All-Stars in their first game, and whoever won the game between the two of us would be in, leaving the other guys to scramble in the third game.

It looked to be a great match-up. Their pitcher, Mark, had held us to one run previously. And our guy, Dave Vargas, had held them hitless through 5 1/3, winning his game, 4 – 2.

Emilio Zirpolo led off with a double. Two doubles, two singles, and two walks later, we were up 4 – 0. That was as many runs as we had scored in either game against those guys earlier in the year. MHC showed some balls, though, and came back with three of their own in the bottom of the first. The expected pitchers duel was already off the boards.

After a scoreless second inning, MHC dropped 3 on us in their half of the third. We came back with three in the top of the fourth, the big blow being a two-run triple by Cam Zirpolo. Then MHC took it back in the bottom of the inning: two runs, for an 8 –7 lead.

After two quick outs in our half of the fifth, there came what I consider one of the most important plays of the entire season. Pat Atton rapped a sharp one to left center, and he tore around first base looking to get into scoring position with two outs. He slid into second just as the ball arrived, and the ball went bounding off the second baseman’s glove into a no-man’s land that allowed Pat to hop up and continue on to third. The throw came to third, skipped of off the fielder’s glove, and went out of play. The umpire awarded Pat home. We were tied, 8 – 8. It was a great hustle play, the very definition of manufacturing a run. Pat could have loafed it and just stayed at first with a single. Instead, he tried to make something happen, and he sure did. It was great ball on his part.

Moe Howard didn’t dry up and blow away, though. It was still a tie game. They pushed one across to take a 9 – 8 lead.

Last inning. We score now or have to play for our lives in game three. Our first two batters made outs, a pop to the first baseman and a grounder to short. Not looking good. However, Big Jay – surprise! – hits a single. Dave Vargas follows with another. Jack Atton works a base on balls, loading the bases with two out.

Joey Baszkiewicz works the count to 2 and 1, and then lifts a fly to right center. Looks like an easy catch, we’re going down, time to start thinking of the third game.

Except their guys have a miscommunication, it drops off the glove of one of them, and we score three runs because nobody on our team takes anything for granted, so they were all running full out. Joey ends up on second. Fast Freddy Goodman follows with a single, scoring Joey. Our lead, 12 – 9. Moe Howard threatened in their final at-bats, but didn’t score. And we were in the playoffs.

The final game was anti-climactic, but fun. We continued the pattern of the day by scoring 8 runs in the first inning. It was never in serious doubt after that. Buddy Carchide had probably his roughest outing of the season, but he didn’t blow up at any point. We kept him in the lead and finally put it away, bringing our regular season record to 8 – 8 – 1, good for a 5th place finish and a date against the Renegades next week, best 2 of 3 to move on.

My day? 3-for-6, a double and a triple, 3 walks, 4 runs scored, and 4 RBI. Not bad for an old fart with busted choppers.


Soon, with more better stuff.


♥ Braja said...

Boo Chit!!!

I have no idea, I just like that phrase....

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

"While I sat there gumming my shrimp . . . " had me laughing for three paragraphs.

Way to go, Cam! Told ya he'd come up big.

And YOU got a triple? How big is the field that you play on, anyway? Was there a dramatic collision between outfielders allowing that to happen? And 30-0? Is there no mercy rule in your league? That's just brutal.

Congrats to you and your fellow Bombers . . . good luck in the postseason!

Jeni said...

I was commiserating with you over the tooth-breakage, initially, as I have my own issues now with both an upper and a lower plate -neither broken though, at least not at the moment, but which just don't fit properly, so yes, I could empathize with your "gumming" issues. When you said you reached for the crazy glue though I thought OMG, he's really lost it now! Thankfully for you -and your mouth -though, nothing bad happened to you. All this reminded me though of my youngest aunt on my Dad's side who got her dentures oh, probably about 35-40 years ago -while she was still teaching and she always said that before she got her "teeth" the first thing she did when she got home from teaching school was to take off her girdle but after getting false teeth, the first thing to come off (or out, in this case) were her dentures. And how she managed for 35-40 some years of eating anything and everything -including steak -with no dentures in is beyond my wildest imaginings! I can't even deal with soup without my lower plate! My biggest fear is that one of my plates will break and I have no idea in the world how I would manage to afford to get it or them (whichever is the case) fixed and I just know I would surely starve to death too if such a thing would happen. (Although that probably wouldn't happen -the starving -as I think I have more than enough fat cells floating around that I should be able be able to go sometime without food!
Congrats on making the playoff though. Ya did good!

Suldog said...


There's a 10-run mercy rule, but it's after 5 innings.

(It goes to 15 runs for the playoffs, by the way.)

The triple came about this way: I laced one down the line in right. I knew I had a double from the way the ball bounded towards the foul line as the fielder chased it down. I hit second, took a quick peek, and said to myself, "What the hell. We're up 27-0. When am I going to get another shot at a triple in my life?" So, I kept running. I made it standing up, too!

Suldog said...

Braja - I'm glad you like it. In case it wasn't clear from the context, it is the end product of a bovine.

Jeni - My Dad had false teeth from an early age. I saw him eat steak many times without them in. I still have no idea how he did it.

Tim King said...

While i was reading the story, I thought about Krazy Glue, too. But then I thought, Naw. That's dangerous. Just let the dentist handle it.. And then, Oh sh**! He's gonna do it, isn't he?! Krazy, man.


Mrs. C. said...

My mom would have glued my muvvafuggin mouf shut if I ever dared to say "Boo Chit"...

Thanks for the wicked good laugh today! With visiting in-laws(outlaws?) I surely did need it.

Ragtop Day said...

I am still laughing about the toaster joke - Big Jay is my kind of guy!

Very glad you didn't need one though - Bombers and Suldog rock!

Brian Miller said...

i don't know wether to laugh or cry. th cracking teeth i have some experience with, thus the crying. glad to hear about the success on the field though.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Double boo chit-aroni on more dental trauma! *shudder* But congrats on the stats!

I so wish the snappage would've happened (if it had to) on a fortune cookie instead of the eggroll. Confucious say, "Dawg who's bark worse than bite never lose toofs."

Angie Ledbetter said...

...whose bark... *sheesh*

Suldog said...

bark sheesh... that's when you give someone a dog as a tip in Arabia.

(One or two of you might get that. The rest will be happier.)

Ananda girl said...

Oh my. There is nothing quite like laughing at the misfortune of others! So funny! Mostly because I can sympathize, having had a large number of God smacks in my life as well.

Congratulations to you and the Bombers! What a glorious end to your next to the last game. Very cool beans. (But I must say, Courtesy Flush is still numero uno in the team name department. Ha! Makes me laugh every time.)

So glad you got them glued back in right-ish. Hope they stay, but hey... it give us another laugh if they dont. Thanks for sharing it... made me feel good today.

Fire Fox said...

My grandmother used to take out her dentures to make us kids laugh... pretty traumatizing for a six year old! I lost most of my uppers in an accident... quite the dental I completely understand the Krazy Glue attitude. I've done it too. I've also been at work when the darn thing snapped and had to go home for the day. (yah, I was heartbroken, ha ha). On a dfferent note... I'm happy that you got your triple in... and jealous... I never even made a double... just couldn't hit it out far enough!

Jazz said...

Krazy Glue?! You are indeed Krazy, dude

What the hell was in that egg roll? Cement?

Boo Chit indeed.

Buck said...

And, you know what? It worked.

HOLEE KREP! You're MOST definitely a braver man than I... or perhaps just that much crazier. I wouldn't have attempted that Krazy Glue trick... not ever. And you know how much I relate to this subject.

Congrats on making the playoffs.

And yeah, I got the "bark sheesh" thing. I gave out quite a few of those in non-Arab Turkey.

Elizabeth Bradley said...

I know a woman that used to glue her teeth in with Krazy glue. Finally, she was forced to go to the dentist. Knock on wood, I still have all but one of my teeth. I feel for you, what a nightmare. My mother had false uppers and I remember how terrified she was about anyone seeing her without her teeth in.

Theresa said...

Oh no! Not your beautiful teeth. I just loved the way you fixed them though. I've always told people that my dad is a great man, he can fix anything with duct tape and a wire hangar. Kudos for the Super Glue fix. What a man!!

30-0 WTF? Can anyone say "mercy". Anyway, congratulations on the Bombers KICK ASS weekend. Have fun in the post.

Janet said...

Krazy Glue is what the dentist uses, they just call it something else. And what is up with BRAND NEW teeth breaking in half? I hope you got a full FREE replacement.
GO Bombers!

Jenn said...

So first off I have got to suggest you go watch this SNL skit immediately, as a Krazy glue user under similar circumstances you should find it at least mildly entertaining.

Second woo hoo for making the playoffs and go Pat for basically three free bases, nice!

Finally I bet your self-fixed smile was permanently affixed all weekend long, great day for you too :-)

Anonymous said...

Fast Freddy Goodman sounds like one helluva ballplayer...and fast!

SweetPeaSurry said...

lmmfao @ boo chit, that is a laugh riot. i am sorry about your teefers breaking in our mouf.

the waitress and the spaghetti plate was cracking me up as well.

unbelievable that the superglue worked.

play well this weekend! blessings!

Mushy said...

You and your teeth stories...crack (no pun intended) me up!

MVD said...

The worst thing I've done to these enormous chompers is to chip one of the front teeth on a Corona bottle in 1997. Clearly, I was insane with thirst at the time. But really, you might want to change your take-out place. Or at very least, don't store the leftovers in your freezer.

Char said...

I hurt from laughing! Hope your mouf is all taken care of by today.

Pouty Lips said...

"If God had some sort of telegram for me, I wasn’t taking delivery until after I had eaten." I like that flossify.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

muvvafugga sums it up succinctly...and l shall steal this, as it now my favourite swear word..

hope you get teeth fixed real soon!

Anonymous said...

I'm taking the Boo Chit too. What a disaster and one with which I can fully sympathise. I still have the 'temporary' bridge fitted by the lovely Stavros months ago. It is sound and solid, and looks great yet he made it, in desperation after I had twice broken the expensive bridge he made- in an acrylic mould.

veri word is:ingsh...sounds like a word you might say without toothy pegs.

Michelle H. said...

Boo Chit? Hey, that's my line!

The things people can do with Krazy glue. Only with your luck that it worked.

Congrats for making the playoffs!

Suldog said...

Anonymouse - Fast Freddy is not only a fine ballplayer, but he's treating me to an AC/DC concert a week from today.

(This is my clever way of finding out if Fast Freddy made that comment himself. So far as I can recall, he never told me he was treating me to the concert. So, shhhhhhhh! Everybody hide and we'll see if he comes back and gets all spit take on me.)

Pat - Arkansas said...

Lord, have mercy!! Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know, it's cruel to laugh over others' misfortunes, but you handled it with such, such... such Suldoggedness that I couldn't help but laugh! Then, as though that were not enough (I read the comments, too) you had to go and post--

" bark sheesh... that's when you give someone a dog as a tip in Arabia."

I've had my respiratory treatment for the day... gasping for air!

You nut!!!

Oh, BTW, congratulations on your sweeping victories!

Sandy Kessler said...

There's something so comforting about a curser with teeth out - ha riding hgh Bombers.

My family reminds me daily how well Boston and Philly are doing .That's pretty much it in our family

Willow said...

I was laughing OUT LOUD. Sorry, I do feel your pain, (actually I don't but I thought I should say that) but it really is comical.

Oh, and congrats on the three games.

Chuck said...

Yikes! No fun way to start the weekend, glad the softball was fun though and the repair held.

I lost part of one of my teeth one time where it had been weakened due to a filling. I had to get a partial overlay done (kind of like a crown but not as involved.)

lime said...

oh ouch! the breaking teeth sounds really awful. i can't fault you for fixing them yourself with krazy glue. i once nearly severed the end of my pinky and refused to go to the ER because i just didn't have time to sit around waiting for them to sew it back together. i just taped it all back together with a giant wad of gauze in it.

congrats on making the playoffs :)

word veri is ironically "holated." his dental prosthesis was holated by a rogue egg roll.

Chris Stone said...

at least you didn't use duct tape! lol.

and congrats to the bombers!

Desmond Jones said...

I don't know why (OK, yes I do know why), but I just find the whole idea of

BOMBERS 30, Courtesy Flush 0

to be utterly hilarious. . .


And sheesh, doesn't Krazy Glue have, like, cyanide in it, or something? Just askin'. . .



Karen said...

I usually fix anything that breaks with a hot glue gun, but clearly it wouldn't have been good for you to put your teeth back together. Krazy Glue is a great alternative :)

Gennasus said...

I can't believe your new teeth broke so easily! Hope the next lot last longer.

I'm assuming Krazy Glue is the same as our Super Glue. My non-DIY husband uses it to repair anything, not always successfully, it that doesn't work, he's always got cable ties to fall back on.

I don't get on well with that glue, I seem to get it everywhere except where it is needed. If I'd been in your shoes, I'd have ended up with with my tongue stuck to my lips.

Hilary said...

Poor Suldog.. I hate that you're in discomfort, but geesh the telling of it was too funny. Boo chit, indeed. I hope your repairs last until the real thing.