Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What Color Is Your Applesauce?



I know, I know. That’s a provocative question, and not one that’s usually asked in polite company. However, I need your honest answer. Don’t be shy! We’re all friends here. Nobody’s going to laugh at you if you say that your applesauce is a different color from everybody else’s applesauce.

So, what color is your applesauce?

Really, think about it – or, since it’s not really the type of question that should require deep thought, don’t. I would appreciate it, though, if you’d give me your answer in the comments section. Perhaps you’d like to do so now, before you’re unduly prejudiced by anything that follows.

I will now tell you why I’m asking what color your applesauce is.

The other night, during dinner, the subject of the color of applesauce came up in conversation.

(Yes, this is why MY WIFE and I have such a successful marriage. We’re not afraid to tackle the really important issues head-on.)

I have no idea why the topic even came up, but I had served us both a small dish of applesauce, on the side, as part of our meal, so we had the evidence for answering the question right in front of us. All we had to do was look at the applesauce and report to the other person on what color we considered it to be.

I said applesauce is green.

MY WIFE made the same sort of face as you’re probably making right now. She said, "Green? You think applesauce is green?"

"Yeah. What color do you think it is?"

"Yellow."

"Yellow? No way! It’s not YELLOW!"

And so forth.

I should explain that we’ve previously had minor skirmishes concerning color. I have a blue shirt that she swears is green. Or it’s a green shirt that she swears is blue. I forget now. Either way, I was right. She won’t admit that I was right, and she says that I’m colorblind.

OK, I am a little bit colorblind. But it has nothing to do with green. I sometimes can’t tell whether something is blue or purple. It usually turns out to be Deep Purple, which is my favorite band, though the thought now occurs to me that every time I’ve seen them in the past, perhaps it wasn’t them at all and was just a bunch of impostors called A Tad Lighter Than Navy Blue.

(Barump-bump!)

Putting aside the blue-purple thing - which, if something is blue-purple, it’s probably a good idea to put it aside permanently - I’ve taken tests for colorblindness. You know the ones, where there are all of those differently colored dots and there’s a number hidden in the dots? Like this:



I always see the correct number (which, by the way, is 29 in this instance. If you see 70, you have either red or green colorblindness. If you see neither 29 or 70, you're just plain blind, I think. Seriously.)

I’m not colorblind.

(Except for a very slim range of blue and purple.)

However, I took a really good look at the applesauce in front of me and I have to admit it looked more yellow than green. I’m not saying it didn’t have any green sort of look to it, but...

Oh, hell, it was most definitely NOT green. Not that I was willing to admit it. Not yet, anyway.

The next day, at work, I asked some of my co-workers what color they thought applesauce was. I didn’t say, "Hey, co-worker, applesauce is green, right?" I just asked them what color it was, with no indication of what answer I desperately wanted at least one of them to give me. Here are their answers:

Light Brown
Puke Yellow
Off-White
Light Beige

After receiving these answers, I ventured forth the thought that, perhaps, under certain circumstances, given the correct lighting conditions, applesauce might be considered green.

Upon hearing that theory, the verdict was unanimous. I was a nut.

The only one who offered me any hope concerning my sanity was Dan (he of the "light beige" response.) He asked me what color my kitchen was. I told him blue.

He said, "What about your kitchen when you were growing up? Could it have been green?"

I said, "Maybe. I can't recall for sure."

He replied, "Well, since applesauce is light beige, which is really just another name for off-white, maybe your applesauce was reflecting the green from the walls of your kitchen."

I thanked him for the out he was trying to give me, but, by that time, I knew the game was over. Applesauce isn’t green. Not even a teeny tiny bit.

Now, I want you to understand something important. When MY WIFE and I had the original debate about the color of applesauce, I didn’t say my applesauce was green because I had just then looked at it sitting in front of me and, after careful consideration, come to the conclusion that it was green. No, this was just something I thought I knew. If you had come up to me on the street, totally out of the blue (or purple), with no applesauce anywhere to be seen, and you had asked me what color applesauce was, I would have replied, "Green, of course. Anything else you need to know? How much 2 + 2 equals? How to spell cat? What planet we’re on? Duh!"

I truly don’t know how I came to think that applesauce was green, but it’s something I’ve considered a rock-solid truth for 50 years. Now that I know I was wrong about that one, what other of my assumptions must I question? Are cigarettes actually bad for me? Were The Beatles NOT a cynical moneymaking rip-off of The Monkees? Is Roger Clemens actually a nice guy? Is my nothing but red meat, cheese, and peanut butter with saltines diet unhealthy? Does Pauly Shore have talent? In any case, I am completely flummoxed, bewildered, stunned, and flabbergasted to find out that I could have held such an obvious untruth in my head for so long.

All dark clouds have a silver lining, though. At least, they look silver to me; I may be wrong. In any case, the other night, after my extremely beery excursion to Fenway Park with my Cousin David, I arrived home in a less-than-sober state. I was also horny as hell. MY WIFE, being MY WIFE, helped me recover from that. Afterward, I decided that I wanted something to eat. I went out to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. This is what I saw.



I laughed like a loon. While I was off getting drunk at a ballgame, MY WIFE was home dyeing our applesauce green. Now that's true love.

She rocks my world, whatever color it may be.

Soon, with more better stuff.


58 comments:

Carolina said...

YOUR WIFE rocks!

Applesauce is yellow.
Unless my mother makes it. Then it sometimes is green, depending on the apples she used. So, you could both be right. Not as green as the applesauce in your fridge though.

I like your wife :-)

Balcony Gal said...

Hehehehe...I would have fallen on the floor in convulsive laughter. Heck, I just did!

Fire Fox said...

I really like that woman.

lime said...

your wife is an evil genius. i love her. next time i am ion boston i must sit at her feet and learn her ways.

Stu said...

Awesome!

Leslie's in Dallas this week, but when she gets back, I'm absolutely showing her this essay. Marvelous stuff!

Jazz said...

Mine varies from brown to pinkish since I make my own from scratch and don't peel or core the apples while they cook. Then I squish it through the squisher and depending on the apples used the colour is, well, whatever it is.

Though I have made applesauce with Granny Smiths, and it did tend towards greenish.

And dyeing the applesauce? That is true love.

Chris Stone said...

eh, its the irish in you Sully! better than green beer anyway.

your wife's a riot.

the next morning, was the applesauce Puke Yellow? lol.

Michelle H. said...

Oh, that's too good! Haha! Applesauce is applesauce. It all depends on what other ingredients they add, like cinnamon to make it more brown. If it has a slight greenish tint, it probably means they grinded the skins of green apples into it.

Of course I'm talking out my butt, but it sounds good.

Moannie said...

Applesauce is a limey green unless it has blackberries in it.
I saw 29 and 70 does that mean I have technicolourvision?

Buck said...

As previously noted: True Love.

But what IS this "applesauce?" Is it like cider?

Desmond Jones said...

Just wandered over here for the first time; been waving at you for a while over at Lime's, but it just now occurred to me to give you a visit. Nice place you got here. . .

My wife Molly makes her own applesauce, which is sort-of a pinkish dark beige. Depending on which variety of apples she used that year. Does that help?

And what does it mean if I see the 29, but can also sorta make out where the 70 is?

But your wife - I think I like her. . .

Char said...

Well, I have to say your wife really does love you. She not only decided to agree with you but left the proof. However, I'm not sure I would eat green applesauce.

immersion said...

My husband IS colorblind and will argue with me obstinately about what color something or other is. Flabbergasted? That's me.

Craver Vii said...

At first, I thought you might be using "applesauce" was an euphemism. I couldn't figure it out. But I read all the way down and laughed the whole way. You are a loon!! (still laughing)

Kudos to your wife for the clever dye thingy.

Like Moannie, I also saw 29 and 70.

Ananda girl said...

Obviously that woman is the perfect one for you! LMAO!

In grammar school they used to give us pink applesauce... like pink lemonade. That was just wrong.

Here's a funny thing... I was listening to Highway Star when I brought your post up! "Nobody gonna take my car..."

Another great post,Suldog!

Suldog said...

Hmmmmm. I truly don't know what it says about your vision if you can see BOTH. I just stole the damn thing; I'm not an optometrist. My best guess is that you either have superb vision or you're extremely high.

GreenJello said...

YOUR WIFE is awesomesauce. :)

And my kids like the pink applesauce.

Joan said...

Your wife is great! The fun the two of you must have.
I would say our applesauce is light brown.

Chris said...

Jim, your wife is hilarious. I'd describe applesauce as "yellowish" myself.

I too saw both the 29 and the 70. Interesting.

Now, what color is yogurt?

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Oh dear Suldog, only you could write a post on the colour of apple sauce!!

I now have no idea what colour it is now, I am totally confused. Thinking about these things is obviously not good for us. We all need to get out more ;-) xx

Ragtop Day said...

I laughed out loud at the green applesauce! YOUR WIFE is the best ever! Hilarious! And clever too - what a combo!

I never realized that those color blind tests actually had a built-in "wrong" answer, but I can sort of see where the 70 comes from. Does that mean I'm getting old?

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Jim, my friend,

Just sneaking out of my underground bunker to thank you for your wonderful comment, and well-wishes!!! And now you know that I "haunted" your site today, and so I will say I absolutely LOVED this post!!!! Your wife has a sense of humor to match yours!!!! Love it!!!! And you will be one of my first visits once I return! God bless you, your wife and family as well!!!! I will miss reading your witticisms which you so eloquently pen, but will look forward to catching up once I return!!! ~Janine

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Kudos to YOUR WIFE for playing along and allowing you to "be right"!

Thanks for the laughs.

MVD said...

Great post. Personally, I've always described applesauce as having a mucousy yellow tint; the dreaded opaque stuff from morning head colds. But then again, I'm much more of a Jell-O guy anyway.

Sarah said...

YOUR WIFE is awesome

Applesauce has always been a little snot-colored, in my opinion. Blech.

Also, I saw 29 and 70...what does it mean?!

jinksy said...

You didn't mention tan - the colour it goes when you burnn it!

Sandy Kessler said...

i always feel like I'm in a time warp when I';m in teh applesauce isle - salmon- puce wth??

Theresa said...

Better hang on to that one. She's a keeper. She seems to cure ALL your ailments.

Jenn said...

Just a question and I'm sorry if someone else already asked but...if you eat nothing but meat, cheese & PB on saltines, why was that applesauce sitting at your place at the table?

Gennasus said...

YOUR WIFE is, without doubt, THE BEST!

I would say that apple sauce is a dirty yellowish colour but, since I haven't seen any for a while, I'm working from memory. Taking into consideration my rapidly diminishing brainpower, this is no guarantee of accuracy.

Karen said...

I knew your WIFE had to have a great sense of humor, seeings who she's married to ;) My applesauce is off-white but I think Mott's makes some wacky colors to tempt kids. For St. Pat's Day when my daughter was about 8, I colored the milk in her thermos green. She thought it was great until all the kids started saying "Ewww... green milk? YUK!" She let me know that she would prefer plain old white milk from now on, thank you very much. LOL

Suldog said...

Couple of needed responses...

Chris - Yogurt is invisible. Everybody knows that.

Ragtop Day - No, it means you're one of the few who can actually see yogurt.

Sarah - It means you're tripping. Have some yogurt.

Jenn - Troublemaker! Just for that, no yogurt for you!

Everybody Else - Thanks for the kind comments. I'll print them out, bring them home, and then spend the evening hearing MY WIFE say, "Yogurt isn't invisible! It's just translucent!"

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

I see 79 what does that mean, but I can also see 29 and 70...so wtf?

and for the record l dont do apple sauce....but I do apple pie, tartin and crumble..

Dan said...

Sometimes my apple sauce is green, but that's after it has been lost in the fridge for a few months...

My grandmother used to give us some of her homemade stuff that was kind of brownish, tannish looking. Definitely not green.

Man, what a team.... ;-)

Granny on the Web said...

You have got the whole world pondering now. Soon as dawn breaks I shall do a survey, to see who, thinks what, of the colour of apple sauce. It will make a change from the weather as a topic of the day.
Love Granny

The Things We Carried said...

Oh, I think YOUR WIFE is FABULOUS! Pale yellow would have been my answer. But, I love that she made you right, after all. She's a gem!

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

You must have to use Green Apples to make your green sauce....

and impressed with your wife coping with your "condition" after a beery evening!

Thanks for the giggle...

Mrs. C. said...

I have some green applesauce. And it has little furry pink things clinging to the surface of it. Probably if I ate it I would see colors like that wicked green of YOUR applesauce.

YOUR WIFE sounds like just the kind of woman I would like to be when I grow up...

Ericka said...

um. pink. but i make my own, with the skins. i can do that 'cause not only can my blender eat a car, it can liquify apple skins. i love my blender.

i see both... and i'm not high and my vision sucks. of course, there are other possibilities floating in there too. the only time i ever saw one of those magic pictures, i was super excited 'cause i'd seen the damn thing and it turned out that the image that popped out clear as day was NOT what i was supposed to see. maybe it's me?

lol - your wife rocks!

my word verification is nutbvily, which strikes me as funny.

Pouty Lips said...

I'm not surprised - you are a little off-color. That is a funny joke your wife played on you. I wonder if Lime tie-dies her applesauce? I should go ask her.

Chuck said...

I'm not colorblind, and I couldn't tell what number that was. Maybe it was my monitor.

bluntdelivery said...

you're right. that is true love, cus i wouldn't have done anything with the applesauce except eat it and then tell you that you're no longer allowed to pick out your own outfits.

Thumbelina said...

Now that was funny. I would have said green, but it isn't is it? And I saw the 29 on top of the 70. :0/

I'm sure that Applesauce in your fridge is green though...

YOUR WIFE is just the best. :)

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

I am scared to do this - but I tagged you.....

http://fourpawsandwhiskers.blogspot.com/2009/06/tagged-what-little-things-make-you.html

Lola said...

I loved this metaphysical post, and for the record: applesauce is brown (that's because I put LOTS of cinnamon in the one I make). And I saw 20...wtf?

Your WIFE rocks, whatever color applesauce she makes (or buys).

Ciao,
Lola xx

Angie Ledbetter said...

A much better question to ponder than the color of one's parachute, my friend, but I can't participate in your scientific, ummm, blind study. I don't eat that baby food-ish stuff. :)

I didn't understand one of your questions in the extended theory study, though -- the one about Pauly Shore? LOL

Go hug your WIFE. She's the best!

♥ Braja said...

I know!! We ALL want green apple sauce, right? But alas, it is truly sludgy yellowy browny ughy...bless her for turning it green :))

Hilary said...

YOUR WIFE is a true gem.. probably emerald. :) I say apple sauce is blond.

Hilary said...

I just mentioned your post to my son, but first asked him what colour he thinks apple sauce is. He gave me that "duh" look, like only teenagers can, and said "green, of course."

Suldog said...

Hilary - You have a brilliant son :-)

Jeni said...

Since you asked, just my two cents worth here. I've seen some applesauce that did appear to be a cross -sort of -between a very pale light green cast to a beigish color. I've seen it with reddish tones, more brownish than beige, some in a very pale yellowish hue and other, that the applesauce is a really golden color. Depends on the brand, if it has cinnamon or some other ingredients in it that can change the color slightly too. My Mom and Grandma always made their own applesauce and the shades of it would vary greatly too. I don't care what color it is though, just bring it on cause I love it -especially when it is homemade!

Anali said...

LOL! Now that was unexpected! : )

Melissa said...

Your wife is something else! That's a great idea. We once dyed a whole meal green for St. Patrick's Day, it was fun. I would say applesauce is yellow, the homemade kind I make is a lighter yellow.

Christina LMT said...

You are both so very, very lucky and blessed. I envy you. You might say I'm GREEN with envy...;)

Janet said...

We have pink, purple, and blue applesauce. When I was growing up, our applesauce was yellow. I shall now finish reading the post and see why you asked the question.

Janet said...

So I can see 29 AND 70 in the test! I don't want to know what that implies.
We have a car that's either blue or green, depending on the light. No one can answer the question.

Janet said...

Damn, I didn't mean to send that yet.
True love indeed. YOUR WIFE rocks.

Absolut Ruiness said...

Iv changed my mind now. Remember i had first wished for being your mom or wife in my next birth, now i would want to be YOUR WIFE"S husband or even a casual fling would do. If she brings so much to her marriage i think she will bring enough to a casual fling too. You lucky (Sul)Dog!!!