Wednesday, May 16, 2007

A Big Old Pile Of Rants With This Hideously Long Title For No Other Reason Than To See How Much Space One Writer Can Take Up On The Sidebar At U-Hub


Hold onto your hat. There’s no telling where we’re going to end up.

I just saw a promo for a new TV show called “The Universe.” The tagline said something like:

95% of the universe is unexplored!

OK, producers of “The Universe,” here’s a question for you:

If 95% of the universe is unexplored, how do you know that 95% of it is unexplored?

I'll tell you what they'll find, if they truly explore the universe. Idiots. 95% of the people in the universe are idiots.

(Oh, OK, I suppose I have to follow my own logic. I don’t know that 95% of the people in the universe are idiots until I talk to every person in the universe.)

(By the way, do you think I'm excluding myself from this? Nope. I’m not only in the idiots parade; I’m marching up front and carrying a big banner.)

(I basically stole that from someone else. No prize for guessing who, but if you know, then there's a good chance you're not one of the 95%, so at least you’ll have that.)

Getting back to the universe...

From Dictionary.com, comes this definition of the universe: All matter and energy, including the earth, the galaxies, and the contents of intergalactic space, regarded as a whole. In other words, everything.

The universe is infinite. It has no end. Don’t believe me? OK, try this on for size. If the universe has an end, what’s on the other side of it? Nothing? If it’s on the other side of it, it has to be something. And if it’s something, you haven’t reached the end of the universe.

Thank you. I’ll be here through eternity. Try the veal.

You know what else fries my ass? I mean, besides the designated hitter rule? And people who put clothes on dogs?

Word. Microsoft Word. That’s what I’m using it to write this thing and for some frigging reason, “ass” has been highlighted in the previous paragraph and now I have to hit the spelling and grammar button to find out why. See you in a few seconds with the answer.

Oh. I see. It wasn’t “ass” it was upset with; it was the question mark. It feels that there should be a period there instead. Like so...

You know what else fries my ass.

Microsoft word assumes that you, my dear reader, are omniscient, and that you know what fries my ass even before I tell you. If you do, please let me know. It will save me an awful lot of typing.

Vegans sometimes fry my ass, although not literally, of course. If you are one and just live that way yourself and don’t try to force your lifestyle on anyone else, more power to you. You’re probably a better man or woman than me – especially if you’re a woman. But once you start giving me the fish eye - again, not literally - and try to pass laws that limit what I can eat, you can take your alfalfa sprouts and shove them up your ass. I’m not trying to cram a pork chop down your throat, so don’t insist that I should eat lawn trimmings.

(Vegan, you do understand that we’re all going to die, right? The only difference between us is that I’m going to enjoy my last meal one hell of a lot more than you.)

You know what else puts the business end of a claw hammer to my groin? I mean, besides Microsoft Word, which insists that you already know and I should have put a period after my groin?

(Or perhaps an exclamation point. My groin!)

(Yup. No problem with that.)

The City Of Boston. They gave out duplicate permits for the softball field I was supposed to play on tonight. That’s why I’m writing this crap. I could have been playing ball and letting my energy off that way, but instead, here I am, taking up your time for no good reason. If you don’t like it, complain to Mayor Menino. See if he gives a rat’s ass.

(I could make another vegan joke here, but it would be gratuitous. Not that this whole thing isn't.)

(Of course, this will make my next softball diary entry 1/3 shorter than planned. This is probably good news for most of you, since your response to it thus far has been less than overwhelming. This past Monday was the first blog entry in over a year wherein I got ZERO comments. I suppose it could have been worse. I could have gotten a whole bunch of people telling me to please shut up about goddamned softball before they come over here and shove an icepick into my forehead. Maybe I got off lucky.)

(I’m still going to keep writing the thing. When you write your blog full of rants, feel free to include me in it.)

Let’s see who else can I offend.

(Or, as Microsoft fucking Word would have it, WHOM else I can offend.)

(Now that I think of it, it’s probably right on that one, so I guess I just offended a whole bunch of grammarians. Good. Fuck grammarians.)

Ah, hell, I’m tired of it. Here’s a better idea. Let’s see if I can come up with something that even the most contrarian prick amongst you won’t be able to argue with.

I think Adolf Hitler was not a nice man.

(I can almost guarantee that there's at least one of you out there who is just itching to take the other side of that. Go ahead; I dare you.)

Oy.

(“Oyo” is what Microfuckingsoft Word says I meant. Who knows? Maybe I did.)

Still got your hat? I’m going to bed. You can go wherever it is that you go when you're done wasting your time here.

Soon, with more better stuff.

[Fragment (consider revising)]

14 comments:

endangered coffee said...

That's one hell of a lot of parenthetical statements, my friend. I was afraid I was going to get punctuation whiplash.

endangered coffee said...

...and the extra long title covers up the first comment.

Suldog said...

(Sorry, on both counts.)

adamg said...

Hah! Universal Hub handles your headline just fine, but I see Blogger sags and collapses under the weight of it all. :-).

Auntie Scotch said...

That stinks about the soft ball field, sorry to hear it!! Assholes!!!

sween said...

You know at your autopsy they will cut you open and find nothing but a whole buttload of parentheses and a couple handfuls of square brackets filling up your innards.

Yes. You know this.

Suldog said...

Adam - Yes, Universal Hub totally rocks! No sarcasm - everybody should visit there. You'll find a handy-dandy link on MY sidebar.

Auntie - Thank you. I didn't want to go so far as to call them a-holes, but I'm glad YOU did.

(No, that's not true. I did want to go that far. I'm still glad you did.)

Sween - There's a joke in there somewhere about semi-colons, but I'm not gonna dig it out.

Mushy said...

Man, that title really sucked up the space here! Made "endangered" have to move down!

I do Word too and it gets me into trouble often. I'm often asked, don't you ever use spell check, well, yeah, but Word ain't always right either!

Suldog said...

You know what else fries my ass? That I misspelled "frys." I'm not sure, actually. Did I? Yeah, let's say I did.

Would you like some fries with your ass?

Stu said...

Have I mentioned how "On The Road" your posts have become? I have not. However, I have inferred it. And thus endeth the comment.

Ferdinand T. Cat said...

Your logic is flawed. Obviously, the universe is finite, and what sits outside the universe is the Microsoft Word Spelling and Grammar Checker.

Suldog said...

Stu - I'm Charles Osgood? Or is it Charles Kuralt? One of them's dead, so I hope it's the other.

Ferdie - I bow to your superior feline logic.

Suldog said...

Oh, wait a minute. Not that "On The Road." You probably mean Kerouac, right? Well, he's dead, too. Thanks a lot.

Stu said...

Yes, that Kerouac. Sorry for the confusion. Dharma Bums is one of my all-time favorite reads.