Wednesday, August 02, 2006

A Primer, Part Three (Kinda Sorta)

So, what do you want to put onto your demo tape? Maybe the stuff I'm putting here. Feel free to use them. Really. I wrote them and I grant unlimited permission to use these pieces in any non-broadcast setting.

(I am so magnanimous.)

I'm a bit tied up today, so tomorrow I'll get back to the business of putting your name and your tape out there for producers and such to see. In the meantime, enjoy the following. In all honesty, it wouldn't be the worst thing you could do to use one or two of these. A bit of humor might catch the ear more readily than the same tired commercial formulas that we've heard over and over.

These are, of course, telephony (on-hold) scripts.


Thank you for calling Jack’s Liver On A Stick, the deep-fat-fried confectionary liver sensation that’s sweeping the nation! Mmmmmm-mmmmmm, THAT’S GOOD LIVER! For franchising opportunities, press one. For shipping, press two. If you’re a participant in the class-action lawsuit, or a representative of the Food And Drug Administration, please press 3. If you feel ill and you believe that your illness may have been caused by a Jack’s product, call 1-800-PURGE-ME immediately! Oh, and by the way, do not induce vomiting, as it may cause irreversible damage to your esophagus. Have a great day, and thanks for calling Jack’s Liver On A Stick!


Rahzbahnyah Timminee Carutch Hahkkkk Benefunji! Hi! Did you ever have the desire to learn a foreign language? For all you know, I may have just cursed you out in some exotic tongue! As a matter of fact, I did! I called you a Son Of A Flea-Brained Baboon, but I did it in the Eastern dialect of Kurd-Qatarian, and didn’t it sound pretty? Well, for just $20 down and 10 (to the 4th power) monthly payments of only $9.95, you too can curse like Osama Bin Laden on a three day bender. Please ask for more details when we return to the Sfphlinka… Ha-Ha-Ha, excuse me… when we return to the LINE!


Hi! Thanks for calling Motherlover’s Fluffy Cluckin’ Chickenpluckers. Here at Motherlover’s, we’re obsessed with plucking fluffy cluckin’ chickens. We always say “The fluffier the chicken being plucked, the more fingerlickin’ the cluckin’ chicken!” Hold on now and one of our Motherlovin’ fluffy cluckin’ chickenpluckers will be right with you to assess your fluffy cluckin’ chickenpluckin’ needs.


Did you ever have the feeling that the whole world is against you and nothing you do will turn out right? Are you down in the dumps, depressed, despondent, dissatisfied, and a whole bunch of other words beginning with “D”? Are you standing in the middle of a freakin’ hurricane while some idiot tells you that a smile can be your umbrella, and you’re trying it but you just keep ending up with a mouthful of rain? Well, you’re not alone! Thanks for calling the suicide prevention hotline. We’re sorry we can’t take your call right now, but you pretty much expected this to happen anyway, right? So, hang on and when we get back from lunch we’ll probably talk to you.


Tomorrow, with more better stuff.

Part Four


Stu said...

Better stuff? Oh, I don't know about that. These demo scripts were hugely funny! I plan on regaling my wife with them tonight. I anticipate either A) paroxysms of laughter or B)her reaching for the phone to dial the detox hotline.

Suldog said...

You are most kind. Thank you!