Thursday, November 10, 2005

Mary Ann From Gilligan's Island, With A Caption That Says, "Ooooh, Suldog, Lick Me Again!", Please

ATTENTION: In case the title alone wasn't enough to tell you, I'm giving you fair warning that this should be rated R - at the very least. It contains enough offensive material to guarantee that nobody will like the whole thing. So, send the kids to the store for a pack of smokes. By the time they get back, you will have finished this ode to obscenity and then you can leave your screen on this and nobody will be any the wiser concerning your fall from grace. Thank you.


I just found out about a very interesting option now being offered by the United States Postal Service. It is called PhotoStamps. The idea is that you can design your own postage. Really. You give the Post Office a picture and they'll put it on a stamp for you.

It seems like a nifty concept, with all sorts of entertaining possibilities, but all of the ideas that immediately occur to me seem to be forbidden. Of course, most ideas that immediately occur to me in any situation are illegal and immoral (or otherwise fun) so why should this be any different?

Here's part of the agreement you have to, uh, agree to:

You agree not to use the PhotoStamps website or service:

A. To upload, order for print, or otherwise transmit or communicate any material for any unlawful purpose or that is obscene, offensive, blasphemous, pornographic, sexually suggestive, deceptive, threatening, menacing, abusive, harmful, an invasion of privacy, supportive of unlawful action, defamatory, libelous, vulgar, violent, or otherwise objectionable.

Well, that pretty much takes all the fun out of it right there. I can't have a naked slut giving the finger to Asa Hutchinson while she sports a "Legalize It" tattoo? What's the use?

But wait! There's even more you have to agree not to do:

B. To upload, order for print, or otherwise transmit or communicate any material that depicts celebrities or celebrity likenesses, regional, national or international leaders or politicians, current or former world leaders, convicted criminals, newsworthy, notorious or infamous images and individuals, or any material that is vintage in appearance or depicts images from an older era.

So I can't photoshop an image of Tipper Gore kissing Frank Zappa's ass, either? This is no fun at all.

By the way, what's the bit about "any material that is vintage in appearance or depicts images from an older era"? How much of an older era? The 12th century? Last week? Pretty nebulous stuff, if you ask me. "Vintage in appearance"? What the hell does that mean? Something that looks old, but actually isn't? That leaves me off the stamps. And, better question, why? What exactly is it that they're worried about? Somebody suing for copyright infringement if you decide you want cave etchings on your stamps? And just what in the name of Satan's ballbag is it that constitutes a "notorious or infamous" image? My dictionary defines "notorious" as "known widely and usually unfavorably", so I guess that eliminates any pictures of the Post Office itself.

Next bunch of buzzkill...

C. To upload, order for print, or otherwise transmit or communicate any material that is to be used for business advertising or notices.

So you can't try to make a buck with your stamps. The PO has a monopoly on that and they do not want you interfering. I think the government is missing a good bet here. You don't think Microsoft, AOL, and Yahoo wouldn't pay a good chunk of change to have their name on most of the snail mail, too?


You agree that if, in its sole discretion, determines that any material you upload may not meet these content requirements, may reject your order without explanation. reserves the right to charge a processing fee of $10.00 for each image, graphic or photograph that you submit as an order in the PhotoStamps service which violates our content restrictions.

So, if you decide to try this out, but some anal-retentive clerk decrees that a picture of your pet dog humping an army helmet doesn't meet the criteria, then not only will you not get your stamps - you'll be charged ten bucks for the privilege of not being told why.

Actually, this last bit presents an interesting possibility. Got someone you really hate? Place an order under their name and include a couple hundred images that you know the Post Office will reject. Dick Cheney clubbing baby seals, while George W. sucks a crack pipe in the background - that sort of thing. Bingo! At ten bucks a pop, you can financially cripple anyone you choose! Happy hunting!

And, finally...

In addition, in the event you violate these Content Restrictions and you intentionally publicize such violation, you acknowledge that will suffer substantial damage to its reputation and goodwill and that you can be liable for causing such substantial damage.

So, if you dare to talk about your stamps that they refused to make (and for which they charged you a ten dollar penalty) they'll sue you for damages. Damn! It's a good thing I didn't order my "Barbara Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and a huge double-headed rubber dick" stamps before I wrote this. It appears I may have saved myself a whole bunch of trouble.

Of course, now I have to think up something totally different to put on my Christmas cards...


Sassy said...

I'm officially laughing my ass off. Fabulous. Bravo.

LuluRN said...

Well Jim, it looks like you gave away Donna's secret Christmas theme for this year!

Suldog said...

Thank you, O Sassy One, but sorry to hear about your ass. From the picture, it looks like one that you wouldn't want to have anything happen to.

And, Lulurn? We figure if we change the huge double-headed rubber dick into a puppy dog, we might get away with it, so mums the word!

Anonymous said...

Well the stamps are very old news. The guys from printed a photo of, (my personal favorite)- Monica Lewinski's dress; stain and all when they first came out with personalized stamps. They also did a Charles Manson. My all time favorite the post office did was the Elvis contest. They never gave me a chance to vote for my favorite photo of Elvis.... Dead, sitting on the toilet with his pants down at his ankles. :)

Suldog said...

OK, someone e-mailed me privately to ask why I didn't answer this comment. Well, I'm no big Elvis fan, either. He was a narc. He tried to get Nixon to give him a junior G-Man position. So, yeah, dead Elvis is fine by me, too.

John-Michael said...

OK ... You got me! Yes!! I did click on Sassy's link to check out the ass that you so nefariously referred to (You BUM!)

A visit with You is more beneficial to my waning sanity than a year's subscription to Dr. Phil's Cliffs notes (which would only be of use if I had a severe shortage of kindling). And You are certainly far more fun!!

I do love You, ya know!

Suldog said...


I realize that link goes nowhere now, but it used to go to a very nice (and voluptuously lovely) redhead from Texas. More's the pity you can't see her now!

Thanks for playing along, though :-)