5 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die

This is the sort of list that lends itself to instant criticism. This is because it's so easy to think of someone as a no-good selfish bastard just because "cure cancer" isn't at the top of his list. Well, the cure for cancer probably won't be found by somebody lounging in his recliner eating fried chicken while watching a ball game, so I'm probably not going to be the guy who does it. I know my limitations.

(Well, sure, it's possible that some brilliant renegade scientist - on the run from the hired gunmen of a major pharmaceutical company, because he found that eating at least four pieces of Extra Crispy during a Patriots game cures lymphoma - may have hidden his notes in my KFC bucket. However, it's highly improbable. Anyway, the notes would be all greasy and stuff. Yuck!)

You also don't want to set the bar too high. For instance, what if I did say "cure cancer"? Then whatever followed (for instance, winning a lottery so humongous that I'd be able to spend the rest of my life blowing my nose on hundred dollar bills) would seem frivolous in comparison.

So, having said all of the above for no apparent reason other than to fill space, here are 5 things I'd like to do before I die.

1 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, actually. And I've done little or nothing to make it become a reality, so I don't know why you'd believe that this might change in the near future. Maybe you don't believe it will change. And that's why I'm a miserable failure - you have no faith in me! You've ruined my life, you domineering bitch! You suck! You suck! You suck!

Whoa! Freudian slip! I meant to say, "Pass the gravy, please."

(That's the punch line to a really good joke and now I've ruined it for you. That's what you get. Why? I don't know, but that's what you get.)

Anyway, that's enough of that, whatever that is. Am I making any sense whatsoever? I sure hope not, because if I am, then I won't be able to use this as evidence at my trial.

Now, where was I? More importantly, who was I? And, while we're at it, why are there gophers in my shorts? And why am I enjoying it?

2 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, actually. First, though, I want to win a championship in softball. What sort of emperor plays ball for forty years and can't win one friggin' championship? Do I want people going around saying, "Emperor Suldog? Oh, don't even talk to me about that bum! Yeah, sure, he cured cancer his first day on the job, but did he ever win a championship in softball? Please! Hey, pass the Extra Crispy, will you?"

3 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, actually. First, though, I'd like to buy a house. What kind of emperor doesn't own his own house? Do you know any emperors who rent? Of course you don't! Hey, what the hell is this greasy piece of paper at the bottom of my KFC bucket? Yuck!

4 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, although I'd like to own a waffle house first. Who wouldn't want a house made of waffles, with butter and syrup melting down over the roof? Yum! But no gophers - they get in my shorts. Excuse me - I have to blow my nose. *BLAT* Sorry about that. Hey, do you want a hundred bucks? No? Hey! Who put this piece of chicken in my bucket full of greasy notes?

5 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

Actually, I am, but I have to keep it a secret until the Extra Crispy gophers eat their waffles. You sure you don't want a hundred bucks? How about a piece of chicken? It cures softball, you know.

Uh-oh. Here comes the nurse with my meds. Shhhh! Don't say anything. See you Monday.