OK, Granny, Let's Compare What We Twiddle

You all know how I feel about receiving blog awards, right?

(If not, read this or this or this or even this. You'll get the idea quickly, I'm sure.)

I feel pretty much the same way about being tagged to complete some dreadful meme. Sure, let me list 20 things I like to fantasize about while masturbating. I've got nothing better to do, other than the actual masturbating.

Here's the truth. I rather like being given the tools with which to write a relatively easy blog post. Awards and memes certainly provide me with that. I can hold them aside until I'm bereft of actual ideas and then trot them out to do a dirty little dance accompanied by my semi-obscene commentary. Swell, so far. And, perhaps it's something in my natural makeup, but I find it rather simple to insult the hell out of someone or some thing. To be sure, I always tell the person who gives me the award - at their place, in the comments - that I'm going to insult both the award and him/her. It seems that my reputation is such that it's now expected, so the awarding party takes some sort of perverse pride in being dragged through my verbal slime. All well and good. I get to let off some steam, you get a few laughs, and nobody's feelings are truly hurt.

Today, though, I have to do a beastly thing. I was given a meme by Granny On The Web. I've done what I usually do - told her that I'd be ripping her a new one - but, damn, she's a nice little old granny. Seriously. She's a churchgoing lady with 7 kids and a scad of grandchildren and she lists one of her interests as "caring". I kid you not. It's a lovely sentiment, she seems to be a lovely person, and I don't know if there's any way I can pull this off without looking like a complete turd.

I'm going to give it my best shot.

First off, I'm only assuming she's a granny. Actually, she's probably some 15-year-old pimply git sitting in his mom's council house in Shepherd's Bush, his similarly spotty mates gathered around the computer getting their jollies from some wanker in the states having bought it. But, let's work on that assumption that she really is a granny. The woman says she likes the Bee-Gees, Barbara Streisand, The Carpenters, and ABBA. What sort of a Motorhead, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, and Ramones fan would I be if I didn't give her a couple of well-aimed kicks with my steel-toed Doc Martens?

Here's the meme she wishes me to complete, in it's entirety from her blog:

I have been tagged by Willow Tree to write seven quirky things about Moi.

Do I have seven?......

... or even one quirky thing in my make-up à propos mi persona?

Surely not, OK wait a minute then I'll ask Hubby...

1. I pretend I can speak French/ Spanish/Chinese ( I can, a bit) and he says I still pretend I can speak English.

2. I day-dream. Constantly! ( Really?)

3. I don't like meat. (So! I am not alone in that!)

4. I twiddle my thumbs. ( So what! at least I am not sat idly doing nothing)

5. I'm stubborn ( What!!! Oh all right then Yes I am)

6. I eat too quickly ( Burp, Excuse me. Oh, Ok then I do)

7. I am too shy. (Ah, is that a quirk? Could be.....(perhaps a tiny one))

Those are pretty quirky things. Mine will seem rather mundane by comparison. And, just so you can see how mundane, let's compare them, first hers and then mine.

Granny - I pretend I can speak French/Spanish/Chinese.

Suldog – I pretend my underwear is made out of Jell-O.

Granny - I daydream. Constantly!

Suldog – I never dream. As a matter of fact, I never sleep. I have nightmares when I’m awake, though. As a matter of fact, you're part of one right now.

Granny - I don't like meat.

Suldog – I eat nothing but aardvark noses.

Granny - I twiddle my thumbs.

Suldog – I twiddle my testicles.

Granny - I'm stubborn.

Suldog – I’m not stubborn, but I will refuse to admit that you’re right. If you want to argue that they’re the same thing, refer to the sentence previous to this one.

Granny - I eat too quickly.

Suldog – I’m still working on a breakfast burrito from 1985.

Granny - I am too shy.

Suldog – Oh, yeah? Well, I’m three shy. We’re talking about a full deck here, right?

Yup, she sure has me beat.

So, now I’m supposed to tag seven other poor suckers. OK. I tag Barrack Obama, The Dalai Lama, Charles Manson, Richard Branson, Andy Dick, Grace Slick, and Mister Ed.

Soon, with more better stuff. Not too tough of a promise today.