Tuesday, November 05, 2013

For Purposes Of This Piece, We're Going To Pretend It's December



Gold was discovered at Sutter's Mill. Penicillin was discovered on moldy bread. Lana Turner was supposedly discovered while sitting on a stool in a drug store.

I will not be found in a mill, on moldy bread, or sitting on a stool at a drug store counter. Instead, you can discover me (appropriately enough) in Discover magazine. Not only will you find me IN the magazine, I am also ON the magazine. For the second month in a row, I am on the cover.

Why, look! There I am now!





No, I'm not the rather fit Asian woman. I am Santa Claus. That is, my story is the one about Santa Claus.

(This represents a slight logistical problem, inasmuch as I am a strict proponent of letting one holiday play out entirely before letting another one appear. But, look again at the photo of the issue in which my Santa story is featured. See what issue it is? That's right - December. And I thank you.)

You should rush out and buy a copy now because you love me.

(Some of you love me because I make you laugh. I admit that my previous appearance in the mag was a bit dry - it's a science magazine, after all, and there are just so many yucks in stuff like quantum physics - but this piece has a higher humor quotient. This is because my good friend, Saint Nick, has a wonderful sense of humor. Also, since what I know about science can fit in a thimble and have room left over for a congressman's sense of propriety, I made stuff up.)

(Don't tell my editor. She thinks the parts about flying reindeer were thoroughly researched.)

So, to reiterate: The December issue of Discover, which is on newsstands now, has me in it; also, Santa Claus. You should buy it. If you don't, you may end up on the naughty list.

Soon, with more better stuff.

24 comments:

CiCi said...

Gads, I don't want to end up on the naughty list, so I will buy the December issue and read your article. By the way, the reason I found your blog long ago and have kept reading it is because of your dry, snarky humor.

Suldog said...

Dry, snarky humor? You think what I say is "funny"? I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

(I was going to just let the above stand without explanation, but if you've never seen Goodfellas, you might think I had gone off my nut. So, it's a quote from Goodfellas. Now I've completely ruined whatever comedic value there was by over-explaining it. Ugh.)

Lil said...

The science of Santa. Cool. I'm sure we must have the magazine up here in the great white north...

Karen said...

Congrats!

Jackie said...

Words can't convey the thanks I have for those who have published your work.
I am so proud of you, Jim.
Congratulations.

Lowandslow said...

OK, I'm in. Goin' to the bookstore this afternoon. Congrats! :)

Anonymous said...

I wish I could read this post today, but unfortunately, Thanksgiving Comes First

Suldog said...

Wise guy (or girl.) As I pointed out, it's the DECEMBER issue, OK?

messymimi said...

Next time i go to the store, i'll make sure i stay off the naughty list.

Buck said...

@Anon: Heh. DOUBLE Heh.

@Jim: Noted. ;-)

Michelle H. said...

Congrats on the story! And yet, it does cause a dilemma. While you claim it is a December issue, it is still technically buying it in November... just like buying December presents in November goes against your core stance that Thanksgiving Comes First. Oh, the pain on my conscience! ;-)

Michelle H. said...

Of course, I am glad that you are on the cover under the Santa piece, and not the Lyme Disease or Virus alert piece. I was worried I might have to wear a surgical mask...

Ami said...

So it's sort of like an early Christmas gift from Santa... only no fat guy and no reindeer shit on the lawn.
Ho ho ho!!

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

Cool, I'll have to check it out, (at the library)

Absolut Ruiness said...

I loved the thimble joke!!! Thanks Sul. And congratulations on the accolades.

Shammickite said...

I'm off to the library to have a read.... and then I'll be back with a critique!

Sausage said...

When does the Playboy article come out? because we all read it for the....well you know.
Cheers, Sausage.

Hilary said...

I'm so thrilled for you. :) But if you're going to go and get yourself published in Discover at a regular matter of course, I'm just going to have to subscribe, eh?

Along These Lines ... said...

I see your article is listed under the "extra hot" section.

Along These Lines ... said...

Oh, my mistake, it was "hot extra"

Suldog said...

I think I liked it better the first way you had it :-)

lotta joy said...

Coincidentally, I'm on the cover too!! I'm mentioned in the little white box that has my name and address and the date of expiration for my subscription!

Shammickite said...

I went to the library but they only have the November issue, I will be going back when they get the December one.

lime said...

i'm just enjoying the irony that this article had to be written so early. is that evil of me? naw, because you know i won't shop on thanksgiving or even black friday and you know how i feel about thanksgiving as well. congrats on another article published!