Friday, April 05, 2013

Northern Wisconsin Captures Invitational




“We’re number 69! We’re number 69!”

That was the exultant cheer raised by alumni as Northern Wisconsin University defeated Boise Southern A&M, 53 – 39, to win the basketball tournament nobody aside from degenerate gamblers and die-hard alumni cares about, the N.I.T. (National Inivitation Tournament). The cheer stemmed from the fact that the NCAA “March Madness” tournament includes the top 68 teams. The N.I.T. field is made up of the remainder, all fighting hard for the honor of being declared the 69th best team in the country.

“I’ll probably get to keep my job, so I guess it’s better than nothing”, said NWU head coach Moe “Larry” Curley.

The Pickerel were led by star center Mustafa Scheinblum-O’Shaughnessy. The 7’ 6” player, an animal husbandry major until he found out it didn’t mean what he thought it did, was passed over by all other Division One schools due to 37 outstanding arrest warrants and an inability to spell his name correctly on the SATs. He scored 41 of his team’s 53 points, as well as sixteen of Boise Southern’s points when he became confused concerning which basket was his and threw down eight separate thunderous dunks on the wrong goal.

“He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer,” said coach Curley, “but he generally scores more for us than for the other team if we keep him pointed in the right direction.”

Boise Southern’s leading scorer (aside from Scheinblum-O’Shaughnessy) was freshman point guard Jud Jenkins, with twelve points. Immediately following the game, Jenkins declared himself eligible for the next NBA draft.

“I most likely don’t have a hope in hell of making an NBA team, but if I go to training camp and get cut, I can probably fool some Italian or French league into thinking I’m worth signing,” said Jenkins.  When asked if remaining in school and getting his diploma might not be a better option, he said, “Not a chance. All I have to do is fool one European millionaire into thinking I’m hot stuff and I’ll be set for the next ten years. The best I could get with a diploma from this place is a job selling sheep door-to-door.”

Scheinblum-O’Shaughnessy was asked whether he might follow a similar path and declare for the draft.

“Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout that. Coach say put a ball in the hole and he get me pile o' burgers and shit.” He then stood up, walked toward the showers, and knocked himself cold when his head crashed into the top of a doorframe.

“Oh, Jesus, not again…”, said coach Curley.

A tournament official, under promise of anonymity, said that it is getting harder and harder to find teams willing to divest themselves of all dignity in vainglorious pursuit of a championship with less meaning than a bucket of warm spit. He said that next year they may begin inviting mail-order diploma mills.

“I hope we can keep Mustafa conscious long enough next season to make the NCAA’s,” said Curley, “Otherwise, I might have to take that job down at the DMV my brother-in-law keeps telling me about. I don’t know how much more of this humiliation I can take.”


22 comments:

OldAFSarge said...

This has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read. I mean "Mustafa Scheinblum-O’Shaughnessy"? Where do you come up with this stuff? Absolutely hysterical.

You made my morning Suldog!

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

That should have made SI's April 1 edition.
That's better than the story of Sidd Finch.

joeh said...

Knocked himself out, "Not again."
Lots of laughs, this one caused Mrs. Cranky to ask, "Whats so funny?"

messymimi said...

Oh, my poor computer keyboard!

Michelle H. said...

Totally agree with OldAFSarge. That name is a riot!

Jackie said...

My thoughts went immediately to Dikembe Mutombo.
Talk about having to spell one's name on an SAT. Give me a break.
Humorous blog, my friend. Gotta love the Chosen One's name...

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

As an applicant to Boise Southern A&M who was turned down because of unattained academic goals, I resent the characterization that schools playing in the NIT are second rate
The real truth is the NCAA, when they expanded the tourney to 64 teams, has pulled the second-raters (and some third rate teams) into their tournament

Buck said...

So... ummm... didja watch it? The NIT? Or didja just read the ESPN game report? ;-)

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

"Coach Moe "Larry" Curley" - almost spit my water all over the monitor. And maybe he's a real guy, I know nothing of basketball & don't pretend to, but either way its pretty freaking hilarious.

Lowandslow said...

ROFLMAO.....*deep breath*....ROFLMAO! Funniest thing I've ever read.

A publisher would be NUTS not to print your stuff! Great bit. :)

S

Jeni said...

You really are insane, aren't you? Brilliant writer, but insane all the same. I'll snicker a good while over this one now!

Absolut Ruiness said...

Thank you Jim! Just thank you!!!

JudisJems said...

Sports and I don't mix so I have no clue about any of the people or teams you are discussing; guess the humor is lost on me, too (sorry.)

But there was a part where Jenkins talks about an overseas team and it reminded me of John Grisham's "Playing for Pizza". Have you read it? I did enjoy it and imagine you would, too.

Best wishes, Judi

OldAFSarge said...

My 2 cents, "Playing for Pizza" IS awesome. I enjoyed it as well Judi.

Daryl said...

i am so confused ...

Chris said...

Perhaps the first time in literary history that the terms "vainglorious" and "warm spit" have appeared in the same sentence. Virtuosity in action, my friend.

lime said...

ok, that gave me a good chuckle. i don't which i liked better, the name of the coach or the 7'6" player. and may i say i feel proud of myself as a non-sports fan for getting the point. next year when i fill out my bracket for the workplace pool i'm picking phoenix university to go all the way!


as an aside and in response to chris, i think vainglorious spit would be a great name for a rock band.

Chris said...

Love it! Vainglorious Spit . . . and their debut album, Egomaniacal Phlegm.

Suldog said...

Lead Singer - Huck A. Looie

Along These Lines ... said...

Would love to see Coach "Moe 'Larry' Curley" in action. Curly, btw - Expect a ghostly eye-poke from Curly one night for that one :)

sandyland said...

such fun I really enjoyed the Madness this year !!

3GKnight said...

That's nuttier than a squirrel turd.