Saturday, March 02, 2013

56


That's how old I am today - 56. I'm as amazed by that as anything in my entire life. I smoke cigarettes, eat boatloads of unhealthy food, don't exercise six months out of the year, did enough cocaine over the course of four years to kill a small herd of elephants (and dabbled in just about every other illegal substance, along the way to the coke), have consorted (in every sense of the word) with deadly people, and otherwise have led a life that would not lead one to believe that I would ever reach this age. The only reasonable explanation is that there IS a God, He takes care of idiots, and He doesn't like you nearly as much as me or else He would have steered you away from this drivel and given you a better five minutes of your life.

In honor of me, I am listing everything I can think of pertaining to the number 56. If you have any others, feel free to enlighten me (or, at least, try to enlighten me, as past experience seems to show that it's not an easy task to accomplish.)

****************************************************************

56 was the number of games in which Joe Dimaggio hit safely in succession in 1941, setting a mark which has yet to be broken. In the opinion of many, it will never be bested.

(One thing I've learned in my 56 years is that sooner or later, everything happens. If the world keeps spinning and baseball is still being played, somebody will top it. It's that monkeys-typewriters-Shakespeare thing.)

(By the way, if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters, odds are one of them will replicate this post and without the grammatical errors. Frickin' monkeys! No wonder I'm not making sales to the magazines and newspapers I've been pitching. If you love me and want to give me a birthday present, kill the next typewriting monkey you see.)

According to Wikipedia, which is generally at least as reliable as a typewriting monkey, 56 is the sum of the first six triangular numbers (making it a tetrahedral number), as well as the sum of six consecutive primes (3 + 5 + 7 + 11 + 13 + 17). It is also a tetranacci number and a pronic number. Adding up the divisors of 1 through 8 gives 56. Since 56 is twice a perfect number, it is itself a semiperfect number.

(I understood about 1/4 of that. Or maybe it was 1/3. I used to think I was pretty good at math, but after reading that gibberish I'm 110% sure I know poop.)

(Which is what 583,236 of the million monkeys will be flinging at each other while another 416,763 are trying to write Shakespeare. That leaves one monkey left over, sitting in a corner and wondering if his parentheses are really necessary.)

56 is the atomic number of barium, as well as the code for direct dial phone calls to Chile.Call someone down there and ask them if they have any barium you can borrow. If you reach a typewriting monkey, see if he knows who Joe Dimaggio was.

There is an actual town in Arkansas named 56, except they spell it out (Fifty-Six) which probably makes the city limits signs unreadable for most of the inhabitants.

(Yeah, I know that's hideously insulting for no good reason, but the place has only 163 residents. The odds of one of them actually reading this are about the same as a million monkeys having 56-game hitting streaks.)

(Man, I've driven that joke into the ground with a sledgehammer and we're only about halfway through this thing, or maybe 3/4 of the way through, if it's a Tetrazinic Prenomial Prone Position Number, which I just made up, but the monkeys probably think it's a real thing, the stupid shits. I mean, what the hell - who still uses a typewriter these days?)

56 was the uniform number of the following sports figures: Jim Bouton, Lawrence Taylor, Sergei Zubov, Brandon Hunter, and Jarrod Washburn.

56 was the number of men who signed The Declaration of Independence in 1776.

(No monkeys signed it. They were all loyalists.)

Finally, if you divide 2,875,486,901 by the total number of times I've unnecessarily used parentheses in this piece, add Sergei Zubov's career goals, subtract Arkansas, then multiply by Joe Dimaggio, you get a headache. If you give a million monkeys a million mortars and pestles, they'll come up with some aspirin for you, sooner or later, but if they come up with Percodan, I get first dibs. It's my birthday, after all.

Soon, with more better stuff (unless you're a monkey.)

45 comments:

Hilary said...

I must have laughed.. like.. 56 times whilst reading this post. Happy Birthday, Jim. :)

Jackie said...

I waited up until after midnight to officially wish you a happy birthday.
Now, that's no monkey tail (tale) either. True.
Happy birthday Jim, Jimmy, Sully, Suldog, Laroooooo, or Your Prescription Is Ready.
And, I think that 56 is a very good number. I was thinking... next year you will be 57 and you were born in '57.
But that's as far, number wise, that I could think upon the number 56.
Little did I know that you would come here and absolutely murder it. In a good way....
Hugs,
J.

joeh said...

Happy Birthday you old son of a dinrudhsjfbeiu

Mickey Dolenz

Buck Pennington said...

If you have any others, feel free to enlighten me (or, at least, try to enlighten me, as past experience seems to show that it's not an easy task to accomplish.)

OK. You and The Second Mrs. Pennington are the same age, until June 12th of this year, at which time she'll turn 57. I'm sure she'd wish you a Happy Birthday if she were here. Then again, I'm reasonably glad she's NOT here. You prolly should be, too.

I AM here... so Happy Birthday, you ol' fart. Wear it well.

SueAnn Lommler said...

Ha!!! Happy Birthday Jim and may you have at least 56 more of them. Then I will know that you plan to write this post again and I can skip it! Ha
Hugs
SueAnn

Bruce Coltin said...

You have now entered your 57th year. It's a more interesting number than 56. Seriously, it is. Happy Birthday!

Elaine Denning said...

Happy Birthday! You're 14 years older than the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything.

Mariann Simms said...

In '56, or 1956 to be more proper, the film "Marty" won for Best Film, Best Director, and Earnest Borgnine won for it in the Best Actor category.

Here are celebrities who died at age 55 - so they never saw 56 - you've got at least one thing on them: http://www.star-daze.com/death_age/55/page1.html

I'll think things later, too. :)

CLR said...

Clever, clever post! Happy birthday!!! This is awesome and so are you!

Lowandslow said...

I'm speechless....well, except for the part about wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

S

Michelle H. said...

Happy Birthday! I knew there had to be a reason why my next door tenant slammed her cabinet doors like about 56 times before 7am. It was to remind me of your happy day.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Barium?
Is that what you give someone on their 56th birthday?
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I know how it is given.

Maggie May said...

56!!!!!! You are a baby yet! (Compared to me anyway!)
Happy Birthday (again!)
Maggie x

Nuts in May

Along These Lines ..... said...

Welcome to the 56'ers. Encouraging to know God takes care of idiots; I might may 57.

Craig said...

Well, I want to be sure to get my birthday wishes in quick, while you and I are still the same age (at least, in integral numbers of years). . .

All that numerical stuff, and you didn't even mention that the prime factorization of 56 is 2x2x2x7. . . Or that, in any given century, the year ending in 56 is a leap year (and trust me, I oughta know).

And hey, I just realized that you were married two days before your 35th birthday. And 35, like 56, is divisible by 7.

And, just for the sake of sayin' so, my wife or I will occasionally leave one of those little monkeys with the S-shaped arms (from the Barrel of Monkeys game) on the other's pillow as an invitation to some Crazy Monkey. . . well, you know. . .

And I'll not mention anything about monkeys and spanking. 'Cuz, you know, I know you try to keep this place decent, and all. . .

Chuck said...

Happy birthday Jim! I don't comment enough here I know, but nice writing as always.

Chuck said...

Happy birthday Jim! I don't comment enough here I know, but nice writing as always.

messymimi said...

Many happy returns of the day, Suldog! May someone make you laugh on your birthday as much as you made me laugh with this post, if not more.

Ami said...

May the candles on your cake burn like cities in your wake.
--The Viking Birthday Song

Sandy Kessler said...

GREAT NUMBER

Uncle Skip, said...

Did I tell you that my brother-in-law, Jim, just had his 56th birthday?
Probably not, because who, besides him, gives a shit?
This the version of Happy Birthday we played for him.

Stephen Hayes said...

When I turned 56 someone said to me, "Gee, you're as old as Hitler when he died." I didn't think this person was very nice, and I'd never point this out to you.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

You're a little ahead of me, but we babies of '57 are a good vintage. Many happy returns...

lime said...

damn, that is way too much math for a day of celebration. i'll just say i hope you have a very happy birthday!

Jeff Laws said...

Happy Birthday! When I see the number 56 though, it makes me think of Mark Buehrle's jersey number, but then again, I am a White Sox fan.

Rob said...

Dear Piker:
Keith Richards is 69.
There are much better stories about 69 than 56.
Still, you're older than I am and that's a victory...

Suldog said...

If you're the Rob I think you are, I am indeed older than you. And I'll leave it that, not laying claim to the pyrrhic victory you say is mine.

Barbara Shallue said...

This post is an example of why I love your blog (which probably says way more about me than people should know.) I hope you had a fantastic birthday!

Lil said...

Happy belated birthday! Brillant post Suldog.

Daryl said...

no seriously i love you 56 is now my favorite # and i will use it to win the lottery ...

Bill Yates said...

Happy Birthday Jim, from me as well as a special greeting from the Fifty-Six Arkansas Convention and Visitors Bureau...

OldAFSarge said...

Ahem... *Steps up to the microphone*

*TAP TAP TAP* Test, test. *LOUD FEEDBACK SOUND* Is this thing on? Oh, you can hear me? Oh, okay.

Good afternoon Suldog. Let me preface my remarks by wishing you a Happy Birthday.

Furthermore, uh, *frantically flips stack of paper back and forth, to and fro* uh, wait a minute... (Sotto voce: Where's the rest of my remarks? Oh, that's it... alright)

Uh well, uh, I guess wishing you a Happy Birthday was the sum total of my remarks. So yeah, Happy Birthday...

(A million capuchin monkeys have been working on this comment since 1867. When the typewriter was invented. I just want to know who is responsible for cleaning up all this monkey dung. Please advise...)

Kat said...

So, basically, you are telling me to stop being such a worry wart and live a little. If I'm meant to die I'll die and nothing I can do will prevent it or speed it up? Hmm. That IS helpful! :)

Happy 56th Birthday, Suldog!

Thimbelle said...

Belated Birthday Happy! :D

So, don't think of it as 56 - just celebrate your 16th Annual 40th Birthday! ;)

We love you, you old Fruitcake! XOXOX

Absolut Ruiness said...

Hahahahaaa....that made me almost fall over my chair! hope you had as much fun on your birthday as i had reading this. Happy Birthday!

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Yup, you got the only reference I could think of in the jersey # of L.T. and at first I was thinking it was Walter Payton's number so that's how good my brain works - thinking a Bear is a Giant.

Maybe when I get to 56 I'll think of more references but I'm pretty sure if one were to Google 'obscure references to the number 56' there would only be one link and it would lead right back to this post.

Happy birthday my friend, hope its a great one!

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rhea said...

Happy, happy day! It's your Saturn Return, a time of dramatic events.

Jackie said...

Back to find out how your trip down the road toward your 57th birthday is going...and lo and behold, I see that jual busana muslim murah finds your article "useful." You are know 'round the world. Age will do that to you.
Love the comments on your blog; they are almost as good as the blog. Almost.

Jackie said...

*known*

Shammickite said...

One more, and you'll be Heinz 57 varieties.

missing moments said...

Hope you had a great birthday! Fun post!

sandyland said...

You don't look a day over 55 races in Sebring !! lots of peeps .

Quirkyloon said...

Happy belated Birthday!

And despite all those 56's, heh heh, you are amazed you still live. Well THAT is why I loathe all the reports that broccoli will save you, then the next week, they're not so sure.

Hey, if it eating broccoli is your thing? Then do it, and enjoy it.

But stop telling me it's gonna save my life.

I know plenty of people who boatloads of broccoli and guess what? They died.

Yep.

Tim King said...

Happy belated birthday, Jim! (Sorry I didn't catch you earlier. I'm just now catching up on over a month of blogs.) -TimK