Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Saturday Is My Birthday



I was born on March 2nd, 1957. That will be 56 years ago come Saturday. I weighed 7 pounds. Today, I weigh 190. If you had bought a thousand shares of me back then...

When I was born, there were 48 states. Now there are 50. Can any Gen-X’er say he’s done as much for his country? I think not. 

Before I was born, the Boston Celtics had never won an NBA Championship. One month after my appearance on earth, they won their first. Since then, they’ve won another 16. You’d think, considering the way my birth realigned the stars in their favor, they might have sent me a refrigerator magnet or something. What the heck. Every time they win, it annoys Spike Lee. I suppose that’s good enough.

There were only 4 television stations in Boston on the date of my birth, and no cable. Now there’s cable, satellite, Tivo, On-Demand, and all sorts of other groovy ways to get your programming. If you buy them all, there are thousands of channels from which to choose. That’s good news, I suppose, but there are still only 4 things worth watching at any given time – if that - and you need to spend fifteen minutes searching for any of them. By the time you find one, half the program is over and you don’t have the slightest clue why Dwight Schrute isn’t wearing pants.

When I first came into this world, the following things were healthy: milk, eggs, butter, cheese, and red meat. Now they all kill you. Other once-friendly-to-children foods, such as peanut butter, have become increasingly homicidal. Any day now, I expect we’ll find out that the only healthy foods are library paste, bugs, and brown paper bags. That weird kid who sat next to you in kindergarten will live to be 140.

When I was a child, the only people walking down the street alone, talking, were insane. They still are, but now they hold small rectangular devices to their ears while they do so, and some of them drive.
The first presidential election I was alive for, we elected Kennedy. From there, things have gotten out of hand. You can’t blame me for that. My record is spotless. I’ve voted in 10 presidential elections and my choice in every one of them hasn’t even finished as high as second.

Music has been decent during my lifetime, but if I knew then what I know now, I’d have preferred that Mick Jagger stop writing songs in 1980. If I have to hear Start Me Up even one more time before the kickoff at a football game, I’d just as soon spend my Sundays whacking myself in the head with a hammer.

Let’s finish with a familiar poem.

Monday’s child is fair of face
Tuesday’s child is full of grace
Wednesday’s child is full of woe
Thursday’s child has far to go
Friday’s child is loving and giving
Saturday’s child has to work for its living
But a child that’s born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay

That last line doesn’t mean the same thing now as when it was written, but neither do things like ‘budget deficit’ and ‘peace’, so why quibble? Anyway, I was born on a Saturday, so it says I have to work for a living. I’m not getting paid for this, so apparently that's true. Monday’s child is fair of face. That would be MY WIFE. You might have assumed she was Wednesday’s child, but you would have been wrong.

All in all, I’d say my presence on this planet has resulted in more good than bad, so why not toss me a sawbuck? If enough of you do so, I’ll quit pestering editors from around the country concerning publishing my drivel and we can all go home early.

Soon? With more better stuff?





40 comments:

Lil said...

I know my life would be much less amusing if you weren't part of it. Happy B-day Suldog!

Bill Yates said...

Jim, Happy Birthday and thanks for another brilliant post. Since I'm one year older than you, I checked the historical record to see what I can take credit for in 1956...looks like Elvis Presley first breaking the top ten with "Heartbreak Hotel" is about it...you're welcome...

Jackie said...

I wish you a happy birthday on Saturday, and I wish you and Your Wife a happy anniversary tomorrow. I do hope that both are happy days for you and for her.
Hugs to you,
Jackie

joeh said...

So many changes since you joined us all. THe most amazing thing to me is that the Celtics won the world championship in EARLY APRIL!

Happy Birthday!

Uncle Skip, said...

You kids wanna take credit for everything... sheesh!

Happy Birthday anyway... in case I forget by Saturday.

OldAFSarge said...

1.) Happy Birthday Suldog!

2.) What's with the super-tiny font? I had to magnify it like 1,000,000 times in order to read it. (Slight exaggeration.) Or is that perhaps a Google Chrome running on a crappy corporate laptop thing?

3.) 0 for 10 in Presidential elections? Wow. You're like the New York Mets, uh no wait, they DID win the World Series in 1986. (No, I don't blame Buckner. FWIW.)

4.) I stood at the ripe old age of 3 and change when you were born. So yer still just a kid. Of course we are both young'uns compared to Buck.

5.) No sawbuck today. I WANT you to continue to pester editors so someday you'll become a famous journalist and I can say that I knew you when. Besides which, I am a cheap SOB. Though my Scots ancestors would no doubt describe me as "thrifty".

Buck Pennington said...

Happy Birthday, Jim, and thanks for all the good things you've done for America and the world at large. I shall be forever grateful.

As for the "Monday's child" thingie... I must be the exception to the rule.

Buck Pennington said...

Of course we are both young'uns compared to Buck.

And don't you EVER forget it, you whipper-snapper. ;-)

Suldog said...

Old AF Sarge (and anyone else who went blind trying to read this) - It was my fault (I think). I've corrected the type size now (I think).

Joanne Noragon said...

Happy birthday. You may be getting older, but you'll never be as old as me! Take care.

Daryl said...

thank goodness there's that enlarge type option on the browser tool bar ... i would have thought Your Wife would be born on a day where dry senses of sarcastic humor were touted ... why, i wonder, isnt there such a day

Barbara Shallue said...

If I get a job or a paid writing gig, I'll toss you some sawbucks! But don't stop writing! Oh, happy birthday on Saturday!

messymimi said...

Wishing you many happy returns of the day, Suldog!

It's good to have you around.

(not your) Uncle Skip said...

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the type size.
The best part is I didn't have to scroll to read the entire post.
Besides, if I had wanted larger type, I coulda fixed it myself (with the Ctrl and + keys).

Just sayin'

BTW - Buck ain't old.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't your wonderful, beautiful, long-suffering mother get any credit, at least for some of it?

Jenny Woolf said...

Happy birthday! I wonder if Anonymous is your mother? Whether she is or not, as a mother, I agree with her.

Kerry said...

Happy Birthday! I'll give you credit for all of those accomplishments if you'll also take responsibility for climate change. :)

Suldog said...

Anonymous - My Mom is a wonderful person, even though her birth was responsible for World War II. When I see her on Saturday, I'll give her a kiss.

Michelle H. said...

I shall wish you a happy early birthday today, and a happy belated birthday come Monday. Hopefully things will even each other out. (You'll understand in due time.)

Lowandslow said...

You forgot to mention that you officially, single-handedly defeated communism, too. You're much too modest about your accomplishments! ;)

Happy Birthday Jim! Did I read something about an anniversary tomorrow, too?

S

Stephen Hayes said...

Happy birthday. Do your younger readers know what a sawbuck is? Maybe I'll look under my couch cushions and send you two bits. Do people know what "bits" are anymore?

lime said...

happy almost birthday. first election i was alive for resulted in tricky dick taking office. i feel like i should apologize.

Juli said...

And NOW I'm off to Google what day of the week I was born....

Happy Birthday!!

Hey... look at that, I'm a Monday child as well. :)

HermanTurnip said...

I find it difficult to believe that I existed before there was an Internet, before there were television remote controls, and rotary dial phones were still on vogue. *shudder* So happy times evolved! ;-) Heh...

Lora said...

Happy Birthday!!

And the thing about bugs and paste literally made me laugh out loud. :)

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Happy Birthday, Sully! And many, many more. Given your family's longevity, that's a safe bet.

Jeni said...

Other than D-Day, but that took place in June and I didn't arrive until October of that year, I have no idea what other things I could possibly take credit for on the day I was born. Well, I was a Sunday child so I could say air and wise and good and gay but that isn't exactly true either. Although I do try to be fair, good sometimes too, but wise -not necessarily so and we won't even address the gay aspect -even though when that little poem was written gay indicated happy I think, didn't it? And a lot of days, I'm not a very happy camper so guess that one gets ruled out too, doesn't it? But I loved the way you put this piece together anyway and look forward to your "more" but don't worry about the "better things" because rarely do you ever disappoint!

SueAnn Lommler said...

Happy Birthday....have a great celebration
Hugs
SueAnn

Sausage said...

Is there anywhere else on the world wide web that one can read of the Boston Celtics, murderous peanut butter and Mick Jagger in the same story?
I think not. Well done friend.
I raise a glass tae ye for yer happy day.
Cheers, Sausage...

Maggie May said...

Happy Birthday on the day!!!!!!
Maggie x

Nuts in May

Matt Conlon said...

Are you telling me you had nothing to do with the space walk? They sent people to the moon and it had nothing to do with your birth? I'm not sure I believe that.

Happy birthday sir! Hope all is well!

Karen said...

You've been a busy man! Have a very happy day, Jim! xoxo

Hilary said...

What a sad world it would be without you in it. Aww.. Happy (almost) Birthday, Jim. Wishing you many, many more.

Joan said...

Happy belated birthday Jim. The facts were interesting bacuse my day is Monday the 4th.
Your humor thrown in there...wonderful!
Oh, and I do agree with you about Mick Jagger.

Paula Wooters said...

Happy Birthday, Jim! I'm a child of the 50's too and I now have great fun telling the kidlets at school all about "when I was a kid"!

Shammickite said...

Happy Birthday Jim! The USA is obviously a much better place since you arrived on the scene (according to you, that is). And I'm one of those fair and wise and good and gay people.... well, not THAT kind of gay, although there's nothing wrong with that, but more like jolly and gay.... know what I mean?

Shammickite said...

Are you going to have a make-your-own-pizza party?

Joan said...

What am I thinking. Cross out belated. lol
Have a great Saturday Jim!

Along These Lines ..... said...

Never stop pestering editors! Happy Birthday!

King of New York Hacks said...

I really do owe you a thank you for getting the Celtics on track...and a Happy Birthday from the NYC !!! Sending you good luck honks that will take you to infinity and beyond !!! Cheers bro !!