Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Reason For The Photo Of Shemp Will Become Somewhat Clear In Just A Minute




Tomorrow is MY WIFE’s birthday. She is going to be the square root of 938,961 divided by the number of championships the Boston Celtics have won. I express her coming age in those terms because women are notoriously bad at math and it’s a 50-50 shot she’ll be pleased with me if she tries to work it out.

(I’ve never understood why women get so pissed if you tell someone their age. It’s as though they all had a stake in some global competition to defraud each other. Men don’t give a hoot how old a woman is, especially after a few beers. Women are the only ones who care, much the same as men are the only ones who might give a damn about what position Shemp Howard would play on an all-slapstick-comedian baseball team.)

(Just so you know, Laurel & Hardy would be the pitcher and catcher, respectively, and I’m pretty sure I’d put Harpo in center field...



... Chico at third base, Harry Ritz at shortstop, and Larry Fine at second. For obvious reasons, Lou Costello would be on first. That leaves Bud Abbott, the rest of The Ritz Brothers, Wheeler & Woolsey, Joe Besser, Joe DeRita, Zeppo Marx, and Shemp, to fight it out over the remaining two outfield positions. Groucho Marx would be the manager, and Margaret Dumont owns the team. Obviously, Moe Howard is the designated hitter. Curly is my closer, and the organist will play Pop Goes The Weasel every time he enters the game.)




So, as I say, tomorrow is MY WIFE’s birthday and she’ll be the cube root of 185,193. What better gift to give her than a blog post that gratuitously insults the mental faculties of women and makes her husband appear to have some sort of weird Asperger’s concerning the relativity of on-base percentage and custard pies? Not to be completely immodest, but I think I’ve nailed it. If you know what’s good for you, the rest of you guys will make sure your wives never see this. There’s no way in hell those dozen roses and box of chocolates can compare.

(I actually bought a wonderful gift for MY WIFE, but it won’t arrive by her birthday. Considering what it is, that’s highly ironic. Of course, since you don’t have the slightest idea what I’m talking about, the irony isn’t apparent to you AT ALL. Suffice to say it would be like Vernon Dent, Edgar Kennedy, James Finlayson, and Bud Jamison being the umpiring crew. Ha-Ha!)

(The ball girl, of course, will be Lucille.)

So, Happy 1.6576171 to the 6th power (more or less) Birthday, WIFE! I love you more than Christine McIntyre, Daphne Pollard, June Gittelson, Molly Sugden, Penny Marshall, and ZaSu Pitts, combined! Considering they’d be the starters on my all-physical-comedienne hockey team, that’s high praise, indeed.

Soon, with more better stuff.

(On second thought, considering the following photo...




... I think perhaps MY WIFE can replace Penny Marshall as the goalie.)

P. S. You may be wondering why I’m publishing this the day before MY WIFE’s birthday, instead of on the day itself. It’s because I’m taking tomorrow off and we’re going to a casino. I figure God might allow her to hit some sort of obscenely huge jackpot to make up for her having to be married to me.



37 comments:

Ami said...

Women should be obscene but not heard.. that's what my husband says.

Happy Birthday to the wife... you're a lucky guy.
:)

Craig said...

Wow, Sully. . . YOUR WIFE is even older than me. . .

But, uh, she doesn't look a day older than two-fifths of the log-base-10 of a googol. . .

;)

And man. . . that face. . . you've already hit the jackpot, my friend. . .

And, uh. . . Who's on First, again?

Michelle H. said...

Happy Birthday to your wife. Don't piss off the mob bosses by winning hugely at the casino. I would hate to hear that you're on the run, dodging the bumbling cop as you toss pies at each other.

Craig said...

Hey. . . the guy on the far left in the Shemp photo. . .

Is that Dizzy Dean?

Jackie said...

Happy birthday to Your Wife.
Enjoy the day tomorrow!

Suldog said...

Craig - Yes, it sure is. Or Daffy. One or the other. It's from a short subject called "Dizzy & Daffy", starring the Dean brothers and Shemp.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfVZgGlCh58

Good eye!

Craig said...

I'd guess Diz (Jerome) is on the left, and Paul (Daffy) is on the right. . .

Stephen Hayes said...

I hope the gods of luck follow you to the casino. Happy birthday to your lovely wife.

Buck said...

Happy Birthday to YOUR WIFE and good luck tomorrow!

Tabor said...

Happy Birthday to your wife...clearly she is a saint.

Hilary said...

We ALL know she did hit the jackpot when she met you.. as did you with her. Happy Birthday to YOUR LOVELY WIFE.. goofy faces aside. :)

Karen said...

Happy Birthday - I hope you hit it BIG!

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

YOUR WIFE deserves a happy birthday

I thought, at the beginning, you might be doing a lame promo for the Stooges movie

Those Deans were pretty big ...or Shemp was really short

Suldog said...

IT - Shemp was about 5' 5", I believe. He was tall for a Stooge, though. The other guys were all 5' 2" or 5' 3".

Uncle Skip, said...

GS and I are going to be at a casino all weekend (from Thursday)
I'd just as soon have a root canal (no danger of that)
Conventions are fun (at casinos not so much)

Have a good time celebrating Your Wife's birthday

As close as I can figure, in ten years Your Wife will still be younger than I am ;-)

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Happy birthday to YOUR WIFE :-)

Good luck at the casino...hit it big so we can all say we knew you before you had a sugar mama!

BTW, are you going to see the Farrelly's take on the Stooges?

Suldog said...

Jenn - I have serious misgivings concerning that movie. I'm a huge Stooges fan, perhaps more so than 99% of those who say they're Stooges fans. I've read every book there is concerning them, seen each of the shorts minimum of 20 times, and will pit my Stooges knowledge against anyone, for fun or money. So, I feel that to take characters created by somebody else, practically lived by them, and try to re-create them, is something akin to grave robbing.

Having said that, the promos look good, the interviews I've heard with the Farrelys seem to indicate that they love the boys and wanted to do this as much as a tribute as anything else, and I'll definitely be going to see it. I hope it's wonderful.

Just Stuff From a Boomer said...

I understand that the Stooges were a classic, but it was one that I never learned to appreciate.I would say it is not "girl" humor, but 2 of my 3 daughters like them too.

A new rendition of a classic is always worrisome. Like "Dark Shadows". It was so campy, but when I watched it inthe 60's I was captivated. I like Johnny Depp, but maybe they should not have gone after this one too.

SueAnn Lommler said...

You definitely walk in the dangerous part of town. The one where the wife hangs out. Good luck
Hugs
SueAnn

messymimi said...

Wishing many happy returns of the day to Your Wife!

Suldog said...

Boomer - I understand completely, even though I was never a big "Dark Shadows" fan (despite almost everyone else in my neighborhood making it a ritual, male and female alike!) Almost every remake of a TV series, as a movie, has been hideous. They never capture the love and always go for the camp. The biggest problem is that producers of these things generally tend to update them to include crassness. Rather than going for the obvious strengths which made them great in the first place, they seem to say, "Wouldn't it be funny if we had such-and-such-character say something obscene?" In short, the answer is almost always, "No. It is terribly unfunny. Stop destroying other people's great work, you unfunny and untalented hack."

lime said...

happy, happy, happy birthday to YOUR COMPLETELY WONDERFUL WIFE. although you won't read my comment until the day after please give her a great big hug for me. have a great time at the casino!

silly rabbit said...

Okay... so what about the wives who came here and read it? Now we see how you are!

Happy, happy birthday to YOUR WIFE. I hope you do something wonderful and special for her. I'm pretty sure you will, with as well as the two of you seem to know each other and love each other.

The Broad said...

Happy Happy Birthday to your wife -- and best of luck at the casino -- hope you hit the jackpot!

Daryl Edelstein said...

I waited til today to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Suldog's wife ...

Craig said...

Hey. . . YOUR WIFE was born on Paul Revere Day?

(My grandma was an unrepentant reciter of Longfellow. . .)

Pearl said...

You're a delightfully silly man.

Happy birthday to your wife!!

Pearl

Lowandslow said...

Wow! Did this bring back some great names from my past. And I must admit more than a few I've never heard of before. Awesome post! :)

S

Julie said...

Happy birthday to your wife .. and yep, i must be strange, i've got no hassles with telling anyone my age :)

Joan said...

Hope your wife had a great birthday yesterday, and the both of you a fun day! Did you win some? :)

Barbara said...

Happy belated birthday to your WIFE! Hope she was that jackpot! But I know she knows she hit the jackpot marrying you :) And I'm 53, by the way. Very proud of every year and wrinkle! Doesn't bother me to tell everyone, but then, I've always been a little weird.

Jeni said...

In honor of your Wife's birthday, here's hoping your trip to a casino has you on a really good winning streak and you come home richer than rich in money! (I figure you're already rich in many other ways but who among us can't always use some extra buckaroonies, huh?)Happy Birthday to Suldog's Wife now!

i beati said...

got it

notactuallygod said...

Happy 57th to the missus.
Hope you get her something extra nice for masking her age so thinly.

Kat said...

Happy Birthday to your wonderful WIFEY! I hope she has a lovely day at the casino and wins some big bucks.
My birthday is on Sunday and I'll be 36. Never understood the avoidance of age either. I'd tell you my weight too if I thought anyone gave a rats ass. I'm weird that way.

Ruby said...

Happy birthday to your wife!! Have a blast at the casino!!

Anonymous said...

Suldog is pretty much on spot. Shemp was around 5'5.5" or so, Moe and Larry were around 5'3"-5'3.5", and Curly was 5'4.5-5'5". Although the average height during the Stooges' prime (both the Curly and Shemp eras) was 2-2.5 inches shorter, and baseball players tend to consist of players taller than the average population (not like basketball of course), so it's not too surprising to see Shemp look that short here anyway.