Wednesday, February 08, 2012

If I Am Elected...




This didn't work in 2008, but since nobody but Ron Paul supporters seem particularly thrilled with the choice of candidates this year, I figure it's worth another shot.

************************************************************

Good evening, folks. I'd call you ladies and gentlemen, but you know what you are.

(*rimshot*)

I am now going to discuss my platform. I would rather discuss the plataforma, but we can make dinner plans later.

Oh, I suppose I should tell you that this is my presidential platform. This is what you can expect, should you be high enough to cast a vote for me in 2012.

1) More Drugs!

Hey, if people being high gets me elected, I better keep 'em coming. Every year, everybody gets a government-issued 300-day supply of the drug of their choice. If you use it up in 100 days, that's your problem. Come on, people! You have to learn some self-control, for goodness' sakes.

Some of you are no doubt wondering why it isn't a 365-day supply. Look, you've got to work sometime or the whole country will tank and then nobody gets any drugs. In order to qualify for the government buzz, you must show at least 65 days on a payroll during the previous year. Pharmacists and Doctors are ineligible because they can get as much as they want anytime anyway. If you're on the dole, you'll have to get your drugs by mugging people like you do now.

To show you my sincerity, I shall personally be handing out syringes and bongs at random polling places on election day. Nothing to put in them until I'm elected, though, so get voting!

Now, some of you may be asking how I will fund this plan. That's simple. I am going to sell off all of our military resources and equipment to the highest foreign bidders. You can get a lot of bones for the price of a stealth bomber, let me tell you! Factor in all the various bombs, aircraft carriers, miscellaneous tanks and hand weapons? That should be enough to keep everybody high for at least 20 years, and probably fund the school systems to boot.

"But what will we do when someone attacks us?", I hear some nancy-boy saying. I've got it covered.

2) No More War!

Yes, I have the solution to war. I propose building a gigantic see-through dome over the entire country. This will keep bombs out.

Of course, it will also keep out rain, so we'll have to build a gigantic network of aqueducts and water-treatment plants from coast-to-coast, in order to facilitate the growing of crops. Special consideration will be given to those crops which can be made into pharmaceuticals.

To do this, I will authorize a plan whereby every man, woman, and child will work 65 days a year for the federal government. This will also solve the employment problem from proposal number one.

I realize that the Bomb Dome will tend to cut down on air travel. Too bad. See America First. By Rail. Yeah, that's the ticket! That should put AMTRAK in the black, too.

Of course, a gigantic dome will not only keep bombs and rain out, it will also keep pollution in. Therefore, to alleviate that eventuality...

3) SUVs Will Be Illegal!


Actually, I don't give a damn about pollution. I just hate driving behind them. You can't see a damned thing! So, no more SUVs. And anyone caught with a Hummer will be executed by having it fed to them in bite-size pieces. With one exception...

4) The President Will Be The Only One Allowed To Have A Hummer!


Hey, get back behind those barricades! I didn't say that the President would be the only one allowed to GET a Hummer. You're thinking of that fellow from Arkansas. No, in the interests of national security, I can take up as much space as I want. Hey, you got a problem with that? I'm the guy giving out the free buzz, remember? So move your crummy Miata to the side of the road and let me by.

By the way...

5) There Will Not Be An Inaugural Parade!

Why in the name of Beelzebub's left tit do you need to see the President (that is to say, me) marching down Pennsylvania Avenue? That's always seemed like a tremendous waste of money to me (that is to say, Your President.) So, take what you would have spent on the parade and put it into the general drug fund. Anyway, I don't feel like walking that far, even if I'm riding in my Hummer.

However...

6) There Will Be An Inaugural Party!


And one hellacious one, too, you bet! But you won't be invited, unless you make a significant contribution to my campaign. Significance starts at $10,000,000.

Better yet, contribute to one of my many RE-election campaigns. You say I'm limited to two terms? Hah! I will win over and over again, because...

7) I Shall Repeal All Term Limits!


You think once I get in, I'm going to give anyone a fighting chance at getting me out? What government-issued goodies have you been smoking? And, just to make sure I can carry out this plan...

8) Congress Shall Be Abolished!


They suck, anyway, so they're history. Except for Ron Paul. He's the only one with any common sense, so what the heck, I'm appointing him Congress For Life. Not CongressMAN - CONGRESS. He's it.

As for the rest of those bums...

9) All Congressional Salaries & Pensions Will Be Abolished!


These monies will be put into the general drug fund, except those earmarked for Presidential Hummers. All of the frauds currently receiving Congressional salaries, and those past frauds receiving pensions, will be put to work constructing the Bomb Dome. They will NOT receive the usual 300-day drug benefit. Instead, in order to up their productivity, they will be force-fed crystal meth.

The only exception to the above is the aforementioned Ron Paul, who will have his pension upped 5% every time another of the Congressional Domeworkers keels over dead.

Insofar as who will be the vice-president when I'm elected...

10) My Running Mate Will Be Chosen At Random By Publishers Clearing House!


So, get those entries in today! Special priority will be given those who purchase subscriptions to High Times. If you get your entry in before October 1st, you'll be eligible for the special early-bird prize: A seat on the Supreme Court.

Remember this, though. If you win the nomination as my running mate, but you get some uppity idea about succeeding me as President after the election...

11) The Vice-President Will Be 247th In Line For Succession!

The 246 people before him in line will be a secret. That way, you'll think twice before offing me. I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid, and how do you know I don't have the Grand Dragon of the KKK at the top of the list? Better the buzz-giving devil you know.

As a special incentive...

12) Everybody Who Leaves A Comment On This Blog Gets To Be A General!

Or an admiral - your choice. There won't be an Army or Navy or anything, what with the Bomb Dome in place, but you'll still get to ride around in a jeep or on a yacht wearing a snazzy uniform. This is your last chance, so comment NOW!

13) Everybody Who Left An Unfavorable Comment Will Be Jailed!

You'd rather lick a pigeon? It had to be a good comment. It pays to read ahead. Too late now, pal. See you in the gulag!

14) All People Named Sullivan, Married To A Sullivan, Who Gave Birth To A Sullivan, Ancestors Of A Sullivan, Or Who Are Progeny Of A Sullivan, Get A Network TV Show!

Those who are able to prove direct relation to me get one on CBS, NBC or ABC. After that, my cousins, it will be Fox, the WB, UPN, and on down the line until those with nebulous relationships get either The Home Shopping Network or Spike.

15) Fast-Pitch Softball Will Be The Mandatory National Sport!

The President (ME) will be given five strikes and will only need two balls to walk. And, believe me, this President has 'em already.

16) Anyone Who Kicks A Kid Out Of School For Carrying Aspirin Or A Nailfile Will Be Castrated, Live And In Color, On The President Suldog Show, Wednesday, 8pm (9pm Central) On CBS.

It's frickin' hard enough to get kids educated without suspending them because of some hare-brained politically-correct nonsense about zero tolerance. Those school officials in violation of this policy who were born without the necessary equipment for castration will be given sex-changes and then castrated.

And, finally...

17) Anybody Who Isn't A Three Stooges Fan Will Have Their Choice Of Being Burned At The Stake Or Having Their Head Cut Off!

If you're a fan, then you know what your reply should be to that statement. If you have no clue? DIE! DIE! DIE!

But, first, I'd appreciate your vote. Thanks for your time!

I will now entertain questions from the floor.


76 comments:

Francis said...

I'd rather lick a pigeon!

Craig said...

I dated a girl named Sullivan, once. . . does that count?

And. . . what do you call it - pigeon-lingus???

Eeeeeewwwwwww. . .

Jackie said...

You lost my vote at SUVs will be illegal. I use to hate 'em for the same reason you do. Now, I am one.

Buck said...

Well, there's a lot to like about your platform, and I have ONE question (and a couple o' comments).

About which, this:

In order to qualify for the government buzz, you must show at least 65 days on a payroll during the previous year.

What about us retired people? Do 1099Rs count as payroll? My vote is dependent upon your reply.

And then there's THIS:

2) No More War!

You and Ron Paul. The fly in the Libertarian soup.

And this:

So move your crummy Miata to the side of the road and let me by.

Crummy Miata? You've screwed the pooch here. I can procure my own drugs easily enough. No votee, no tickee. You're toast.

I MIGHT be persuaded to vote for you, should you have the good sense to come to your senses in these oh-so-important spaces.

stopsign said...

At least your honest~ Except for the SUV thing I'd voted for ya.

Stephen Hayes said...

First spend millions of dollars on advertising to capture my dim-witted attention, tell me the other candidates are socialists, a term I don't understand, who want to take away my guns and gut the military. Then I just might vote for you.

Barbara Shallue said...

I actually think I have a Sullivan somewhere in my family tree!
(Let me know if you get a knock on your door at 3am... you know some people have no sense of humor!)

silly rabbit said...

May I please be your Drug Czar?

Char said...

Pass that ballot!! Count me in. =)

lime said...

listen, i am already empress so i don't feel the need to be a general but i will still vote for you. as for the stooges i think i have that covered. each of our bedrooms is named for a stooge. i sleep in moe. gees, that just sounds so wrong....

Lowandslow said...

Actually, compared to the blah blah I've heard so far from the "professional" politicians, your platform sounds quite appealing. And I will agree to donate $10,000,000 to your re-election fund (like you're gonna need it...ha!) if; 1...you appoint me ambassador to somewhere cool, like Switzerland, and; 2...you don't cash the check. Whatdayathink? Deal? :)

S

3GKnight said...

What kind of drugs? And I vote for Larry, Moe, and Curly as next in line for succession! All at once though.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

What I said before over at my place about your current job... can I have that?

April 13, right?

Carolina said...

(Are Jeeps not SUV's?)
I'll vote for you. Your plans are brilliant.

Have you sent this piece to the newspaper too? I dare you ;-) I wonder if they'll publish it.

Maggie May said...

I might just vote for you because you won't have anymore wars!
Oooops ....... knew there was a snag. I'm in England!
Good luck with it.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Clare Dunn said...

I REALLY want to attend the Inaugural Party, so I am saving what's left of my Social Security Check to contribute to your campaign. (I can send it in installments...you will receive the final payment in 2098...is that OK?)

xoxoxo, cd

Suldog said...

Craig - Did you have sex with her? Think carefully your answer...

Well, nevermind. Just having sex with a Sullivan is hardly enough to qualify. We're a fairly horny bunch, so if we tried to give a TV show to everybody we ever had sex with, there'd have to be a couple hundred new cable channels.

El Presidente Suldog

Suldog said...

Jackie - You do realize, as much as I like you, you'll have to be shot. Nothing personal!

His Royal Majesticness

Suldog said...

Buck - As a retiree, you will be given a 600 day supply every 365 days. Did I forget to mention that? Sorry! Also, I'll let you be on the firing squad for SUV offenders. As for my being toast, that may be, but I'm incredibly yummy cinnamon raisin toast. So there!

His Imperial Suldoggedness

notactuallygod said...

That was FUN.
BTW, Manuel Noriega called; he wants his platform back!

Suldog said...

My goodness! So many people who aren't willing to give up their SUVs! Well, sorry, but I already promised Buck he could shoot you, so hasta la vista!

Very Sorry Sultan Suldog

Suldog said...

Stephen - OK, so you want me to insult your intelligence? I guess I can do that. You're an addle-pated baboon and... No, wait, that won't work. If you were one, you wouldn't know what "addle-pated" means. Anyway, my one failing as a politician is my honesty. If it costs e your vote to be totally honest, then so be it (because a grandstand play like this will win me a hundred more votes! Yes!)

Your Honest-As-The-Day-Is-Long Ruler (if we're in Alaska during winter)

Suldog said...

Barbara - You keep a Sullivan up a TREE?!? Off with your head!

Oh, wait a minute. I think you're referring to some sort of lineage. OK, you can have the 4am slot on QVC,

Your Benevolent Rajah

Suldog said...

Silly Rabbit - I'm afraid there will be no drug czar. There WILL be a drugged czar, but I've got dibs on that. Sorry.

Suldog said...

Char - You seem to have the ballot confused with a joint. I'll pass you that, but you have to actually go out to vote, OK?

Your Kind Leader, who is always willing to elucidate (and happy to clean up afterwards, too)

Suldog said...

Supreme Exalted Empress Lime - Of course, being Empress, you will outrank me, but you are the sort of Empress who is loving and joyful to her pissants, so I will still adore you. If you don't feel the need to be a general, that's OK. I'll offer your position to Buck as additional incentive. As for naming your beds after stooges, I think that just earned you a prime-time slot (or a prime-time slut - take your choice!)

Suldog said...

Lowandslow - Sorry. I already cashed the check, sucker! Hah! However, I will appoint you ambassador to Greenland. That's about as cool as any place can get!

Suldog said...

3 Girl Knight - You have stumbled upon my actual order of succession! Therefore, you must be killed. However, if you make some "heep-heep-heep" sounds, like Shemp, for the next 30 minutes, I may spare you.

Your Most Gracious Poobah

Suldog said...

IT - Hmmmmmmmmm. A cryptic message. You must be one of my spies I've forgotten about. Yes, you can have my old job once I am elected. The drugs will make it even better! And, in reply to the second part of your message, the black bird flies at midnight!

Just A Citizen, Not The Actual President, No, It's Not Me, Shhhhhhh, Look The Other Way

Suldog said...

Carolina - Since you come from another country, you can't actually vote for me this time. I'll try to change that for the next election. As for sending this to the newspaper, I think the less they know about me, the better chance I have of being elected.

His Future Royal Highness (And I Do Mean HIGHness) James The First

Carolina said...

You may well be right about that too ;-)

Suldog said...

Maggie May - Ah! You stumbled upon my answer to Carolina before I even gave it. That shows rare perspicacity on your part (which can usually be wiped off with a napkin and some Windex.) Fell free to smoke the weed of your choice, with my blessings!

The Grand Exalted Mystic Ruler Of The Seven Seas (and a mud puddle in Toledo)

Suldog said...

Clare - Since I will be cutting off your social security the minute I'm elected, I don't think your deal offers me much incentive. However, I'll let you come to the party of you agree to be the painter of my official portrait. Deal?

Suldog said...

not actually GOD - You seem to think I might be kidding. Well, even though your future president is indeed a kidder, and can take a joke as well as the next guy (provided the next guy is Stalin), I assure you this is all quite serial. I am docking you 10% of your next drug allotment. Please send it to my home address immediately and I'll do my best to forget this unfortunate incident.

Suldog said...

Carolina (again) - I may well be right??????? Of course I'm right. I'm the frickin' Emperor! How dare you question my sanity, or try to make my questions sane! Send me three million guilder in small bills and I might not lop off your head.

Have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your information!

Bill Yates said...

Oh Most Illustrious Potentate Sully; although I fully support your campaign and will certainly vote for you under both my name and the name of several currently incarcerated individuals, I will be unable to actively participate in your campaign. I am currently focusing all my energy into the Occupy Mayberry movement.

Michelle H. said...

Question: Didn't you sort of put the Kabosh on yourself with the dome. I mean, television/cable systems are bounced off space satellites. So you (and all Sullivans or Sullivan-related people) won't have TV shows. Then, those people who like to watch The Three Stooges on rerun channels can't anymore, screwing them over. No televised inaugural party either.

Also, how are you going to get all the parts to build your Hummer, since most come from foreign corporations?

Craig said...

Well, I'm on record that I've only ever had sex with my wife; and her maiden name is, alas, not Sullivan.

But I'm horny (you know, the whole eight-kids thing); that's gotta count for sumthin', right?

Actually, now that I think of it, I think my birth-father's great-great-sump'n-sump'n was a Sullivan. Really! So - how 'bout it?

And I do love me some Stooges (altho, Lime is awfully persnickety about the whole 'sleeping with Moe' thing. . .)

But then, as Michelle H noted, I'm screwed anyway. But hey - getting screwed by a Sullivan. . . oh, wait. . . that's already a no-go. . . Damn, this is just so difficult. . .

Suldog said...

Anonymous - You're welcome. However, should that information ever come back to haunt me, I will club you in the yarbles with a shtookerfizzel. You have been warned.

Suldog said...

Bill - I understand. Your Potentate appreciates your efforts on his behalf, and on behalf of dead people who would no doubt have voted for me, and I wish you success in your efforts to oust that goody-two-shoes Andy. However, please don't harm Fife. I have promised him a job as my Head Of Imperial Security.

Carolina said...

Dear high and mighty frickin' Emperor. Your three million guilders are in the post. Unfortunately, guilders are no longer a valid currency, so I'm not sure what you're going to do with them/it/whatever. You could perhaps stuff your royal mattress with them?

Suldog said...

Michelle - You ask very logical questions. Therefore, you must be liquidated. Make a reservation for yourself and a bottled water at someplace romantic.

Be that as it may - and I'm the frickin' President, so it damn well will be - there will be low flying satellites within the Bomb Dome, mostly centered over Pittsburgh. That way, if they fall, the most we'll probably lose is a few penguins or pirates (or penguin pirates, and that will be just fine because I'm tired of one-eyed hook-handed people stealing our penguins.)

As for the parts to build my Hummer, I'll use the scrap metal from when the satellites fall, and with any luck they might slaughter a few steelers, too, so it will all be neatly wrapped up!

Your Inspirational Leader

SueAnn said...

Whew! I am so relieved. I finally have someone I can vote for!!!
Sigh!
Hugs
SueAnn

Suldog said...

Craig - Aw, don't worry about it. Your future Grand High Muckety-Muck is a forgiving sort. I'll tell you what - I'll let you have 90 minutes bi-weekly on MSNBC. It might be in your best interests to fill much of that time with Stooges. Just a helpful hint!

Suldog said...

Most Gracious Carolina, Soon To Be Newly-Crowned Queen of Netherlandia - I'm going to use them to wallpaper The White House. Thank you for your suggestions, though. Actually, I'll be stuffing my mattress with eclairs, just in case I want a midnight snack.

Ayatollah Sullivan

Craig said...

Heep-heep-heep!

Uncle Skip, said...

A friend of mine, named Sullivan (he was John, but everyone called him Dennis, or Denny), has a sister. I dated her a couple of times.

You really may have a shot at this thing. I heard a real person (as opposed to a media wag) call the current stuff a "gop [sic] clown circus."

You might want to rethink Hummers, though. They're Aronold's vehicle of choice

Ruby said...

Suldog, for the next election, you've got my vote, your campaign is way better than the rest :) What about your foreign policy apart from no wars?

Suldog said...

SueAnn - You could have been writing me in for many years, but I forgive you that oversight. As long as you make good this time around, I'll see to it that you don't have your gizzard extracted.

Your Surprisingly Benevolent Dictator

Suldog said...

Craig - Well done, my good and faithful servant! Reward yourself with an ice cold Panther Pilsner beer!

Uncle Skip, said...

Arnold's


Oh, and I think the April 13th IT's referring to is the date for the release of the new Three Stooges movie

Suldog said...

Uncle Skip - When I am elected, anyone who doesn't know what GOP stands for, or who can't give the dictionary definition of "republican", will be given jobs as Bomb Dome washers and low-flying satellite sweeper-uppers! As for Ahhhhhnold, he will my Chief Guy Who Picks Things Up And Puts Them Down. And, since you seem to have some sort of nebulous connection to somebody named Sullivan who doesn't know what his first name is, you get the 3:45 to 4:00 AM show on ESPN Desportes. Brush up on your Espanol!

Suldog said...

Ruby - My foreign policy is quite simple. The countries that send me the most free stuff will be considered valued allies. You should probably get a good head start for yours and mail me something nice. Small denominations would be best, if you decide to send money, and that way (if your currency is worthless, like Carolina's) it will cover more wall space.

Uncle Skip, said...

Gracias, mi jeffe!

Suldog said...

Uncle Skip - You dare to point out that Your Fearless Leader may possibly be ignorant about something? Remove one of your livers immediately!

Suldog said...

Todo va bien, el Tío Saltar. Siéntase libre para ir por un Hummer y que lo pongan en la Casa Blanca.

Michelle H. said...

It won't matter concerning the satellites over Pittsburgh. I'll be someplace romantic with the bottled water, which will be the last water in the Dome.

Why, you are asking yourself? With all those dropped satellites raining down in Pittsburgh, which -- by the way -- has 3 RIVERS, you now will be polluting the water supply. Millions of thirsty people on the East Coast will flock to the West Coast, using up their water until the supplies run dry.

And there will be me, holding the last bottled water in the Dome. Have fun in your presidency when the people riot, Mr President, because you know that all those drugs give people the munchies and they won't have anything to drink to wash the cheese curls lodged in their throats.

Michelle H. said...

Oh course, I know you won't drop any satellites here anyway. You would be destroying two things that you hold dear in your life:

PBS Television
Mr. Rogers Pittsburgh home

messymimi said...

Mr. (Future) President,

If you can convince the Powers-That-Be in Louisiana to put you on the ballot (which should be rather easy, as they put anyone on who slips them a little something0, you will have my vote.

Keep the drugs, though; i have a mild heart condition.

Sincerely, mimi

Suldog said...

Michelle - How'd you like to be Secretary Of The Interior (Of The Bomb Dome)? You show great insight. Just one question: Are you willing to take a satellite off the head? You'd be doing your country a great service. Think about it, but not too long, as your.future ruler has limited patience (and not too long left on his lunch hour, for that matter.)

i beati said...

General Kessler here. All sounds good you have the right name ..I'm not voting for Obamas !!

Suldog said...

Michelle (again) - Oh, OK, you've got a point there. Mister Rogers' home would be designated a national shrine. I'll move the low-flying satellites to New Jersey and hope they hit Eli Manning.

Suldog said...

Messy Mimi - Deal. I'll give the folks at the ballot commission a little lagniappe and see what happens. And thank you for the contribution to the general drug fund. Your generosity will be noted and taken into consideration should you ever commit any treasonous acts (such as spitting in my gumbo or something.)

Suldog said...

Thank you, General Kessler. Your jeep will be delivered sometime in November. Drive carefully.

Michelle H. said...

Only if the position offers Canadian health insurance.

Suldog said...

Michelle (Yet again) - Sure thing. Feel free to take all of your health care to Canada!

Jeni said...

So, for a comment one gets to be an admiral or a general? How soon do I receive either my stars or bars anyway? I love to give orders just hate following them. Is that a problem?

Suldog said...

Jeni - No problem whatsoever, so long as you don't mind taking orders from ME. I'll be the only one who matters, OK? For asking such an intelligent question, you can have both stars AND bars (but don't use them to make a flag and have any ideas about seceding.)

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Sad thing is, I've heard actual real-live politicians with worse platforms.

I do like the dome idea. Maybe make it retractable for peacetime or rainy season.

Suldog said...

Chris - Are you saying I am in some way UNserious? Off with your head, heathen!

(After you vote for me, of course. Thank you!)

Connie/Mom said...

As the birth mother of a Sullivan and a potential potentate, can I get a repreive from the firing squad even though I own an SUV?

Oh, and can I PLEEEEESE keep my Social Security?

Suldog said...

I have no doubt that The Mother Of President Suldog Show (Monday, NBC, 9pm Eastern, 8pm Central) will earn you much more than what you're currently getting from Social Security. But, insofar as your SUV is concerned, I'm afraid there can be no compromise! So, from now on, yours will be known as a VUS.

(Shhhhhhh! Don't tell anyone! It's "SUV" spelled backwards! Hee-Hee!)

Your Son, The (future) President

Mich said...

You had my vote at "More Drugs"!!! Instead of a general, can I be the President's personal hitwoman?

I'm thrilled you joined my mailing list. :D Your first mailing will be on it's way with tomorrow's post!

lime said...

i hasten to clarify i do not sleep WITH moe. my bedroom is NAMED moe. (long story but the kids switched up bedrooms so many times we couldn't refer to the respective rooms without confusion so they were named after stooges) though as empress i think i will be changing it to larry as he is my favorite stooge. he was endearingly silly and had the best hair (clearly i am emulating him with my own hair some days). moe was just a big meanie.

Hilary said...

You've got my vote.. despite the cross-border thing.