Tuesday, February 21, 2012
More from the MY WIFE files. This one is nearly six years old, therefore there may be a few things in it that would have benefited from an update. However, as we are both close to FIFTY years older than the story, and we haven't invested in much upgrading for ourselves, I didn't bother. It should still be an enjoyable read, though. If you don't think so, leave a comment telling me why you didn't enjoy it and maybe I'll do something about it after a few cookies, a cigarette, and a nap (unless something good is on TV.)
THE LAST DAY OF MY MINI-VACATION
6:48am - It is Monday. This is my fourth and final day off. I am feeling refreshed and much less psychotic than I did on Thursday. The funny thing (or maybe the sad thing) is that I've gotten up at about the same time as I would have for work, every day. However, I can take a nap - a glorious uninterrupted totally guilt-free nap - during any portion of the day I wish, so getting up early is almost like investing in a good time later.
I have a cup of coffee heating in the microwave for MY WIFE. I am going to bring it to her in bed and wake her up. She has to go to work. I will offer her a ride to Harvard Station on the Red Line of the T, Boston's public transportation system. Normally, she takes a bus to there.
(It wouldn't do to drive her all the way to work. She works downtown and it will actually be slightly faster for her by taking the T from Harvard. Cutting out the walk to the bus, the waiting for the bus, and the actual ride on the bus to Harvard, is the best I can do.)
OK, I'm going to go get the coffee and bring it to her. When she actually comes out of the bedroom and goes about her getting-ready activities, I'll be writing about her. Let's see how long it takes for her to figure that out.
6:59am - "Thag you," she said, as she took the coffee from me.
I said, "Just bringing you coffee. I'll give you a ride to Harvard."
"Thag you. Whar you doog up?"
"Just bringing you coffee. I'm doing a bit of writing."
"Mmmmmphh", she said, putting the coffee mug on the floor by the bed. She slipped her head back under the covers
7:01am - WROR is now on the radio in the bedroom. She likes to listen to the Loren & Wally Show in the morning. WROR is a classic rock station and Loren & Wally are the morning team. She has almost always listened to Loren & Wally in the morning since the time I first met her. The interesting thing is that the station has gone through a complete metamorphosis twice since that time. The call letters were originally WVBF and the station played middle-of-the-road stuff. Then they switched to a country-western format for about a year. Then they changed the call letters to WROR (which were the call letters of a top 40 station in Boston during the 1970's) and began playing classic rock.
MY WIFE likes Loren & Wally and she adjusts to whatever music they play. They could probably play Tuvan throat singing and it wouldn't matter to her. There was a very brief interlude of Don Imus listening a couple of years ago, but when she tired of hearing him bitch about the same things day after day after day, she went back to Loren & Wally.
7:12am - I just went in the bedroom to give her a second wake-up. She almost never gets up on the first attempt.
I gave her a slight shake and said, "You should be getting up."
"I am gettig ummmhmmh", she said, and then stuck her head back under the covers.
I will repeat the procedure in a few minutes.
7:20am - Third wake-up call.
The radio just finished playing My Best Friend's Girl by The Cars. Ugh.
I can't listen to more than fifteen or twenty minutes of any classic rock station. They play music from the time period I like, but they hardly ever play anything I'd really like to hear. When they play Led Zeppelin, it's almost always something like D'Yer Maker and never Communications Breakdown. Bachman-Turner Overdrive is usually represented by You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet, which is their most annoying song. Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper? Hush, not a damned thing, and School's Out, but only in June. Where is the station that plays Highway Star, Paranoid and Under My Wheels? Nowhere except in my imagination, and what you get instead is an endless parade of The Police, Phil Collins, and Boston. Why don't you just drive roofing nails into my ears and be done with it?
A regular feature on Loren & Wally is Men From Maine. It is playing now. It is a short skit about, yes, men from Maine who are incredibly thick, the general idea being that everybody from Maine is a dumb-ass hick. This morning's entry went as follows:
(organ music fades up and then down to background)
Announcer: Time now for another installment in the exciting adventures of Men From Maine. As we join today'’s action-packed episode, Eephus is walking down the street when he runs into an old friend.
Eephus: Why, Carl Lumford, look at you. The last time I saw you, you had a full head of hair, but now you've shaved it all off. Looks like you've lost about 50 pounds. And you had a mustache, too, but that's gone.
Other Man: Eephus, I'm not Carl Lumford. I'm Ferd Johnson.
Eephus: Why, Carl, you've changed your name, too.
Announcer: Join us tomorrow for another episode in the exciting adventures of Men From Maine! Ay-yup.
MY WIFE gives out with a giggle and sticks her head back under the covers.
7:35am - Fourth wake-up call.
Now they're playing That's The Way I Like It (uh-huh, uh-huh) by K.C. And The Sunshine Band. If I hadn't just bought this radio for MY WIFE's birthday last month, I'd shoot it (if I had a gun.)
"But that's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh. I like to sleep."
She is actually awake now.
She says, "I had a very busy dream."
"A very busy dream?"
"Yes, it took all night. Lived in a shanty on Tremont Street and was watching parades."
"We lived in a shanty on Tremont Street?"
"Not us. You weren't there. Just me and (unintelligible)."
"Just you and who?"
"The Greeleys. The people who lived next door in Duxbury."
There is no further elucidation as she goes out to the kitchen to re-heat her coffee.
7:41am - The coffee is re-heated and she is now sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her, drinking the coffee. Loren & Wally are still on in the background, now talking about the Red Sox.
"So, what's this blog about?"
"This morning", I say.
"This morning? About how I didn't get up?"
She has caught on quickly.
"Mostly", I say.
She says, "But you're not supposed to write about me. Tell me what it says."
"Just a minute", I say, as I type this last bit of conversation.
And now I am going to read it back to her. I may not survive. If I do, I'll see you tomorrow.
8:02am - Actually, she laughs like hell as I read it back to her. And that's why I love this woman.
Soon, with more better stuff (but I don't know that it gets better, really.)