Thursday, February 16, 2012

22 Years (The Stories - #1)



Now that we're past The Shish-Kebob Incident and The Wedding Of The Decade, it's time for some of the stories of our life since then. For the next couple of weeks, I'll be re-posting those tales, starring MY WIFE, that best exemplify why I love her. They won't be in chronological order, so there may be an anachronism or two. That's OK. So are we.

I think this is a good one with which to begin...

PLAY LIKE A CHIMP TODAY


If you’ve been coming here for any significant length of time, then you know that MY WIFE is my soul mate. We live well, laugh often, and love much. We play like a chimp almost every day.

That’s an inside joke between me and MY WIFE. I could just leave it at that, but since that would leave this entry at about 1,400 words short of my usual neoplasmic postings (as well as leave you utterly bewildered) I’ll explain, instead.

See, we were watching a Notre Dame football game one Saturday, and...

No, that’s a lie. We weren’t watching a Notre Dame football game. I was watching a Notre Dame football game and MY WIFE wandered into the room at a propitious moment. Soul mate though she may be, I don’t believe MY WIFE has ever voluntarily watched an entire football game in her life. She would rather spend three hours having her nipples twisted with a pair of needle nose pliers than spend an equal length of time watching a football game.

(Just so you know, I really tried to come up with a better equivalent than the needle nose pliers thing. I considered the following:

"She would rather have her bum nibbled by a dyspeptic goat."

"She would rather strip naked, tape cashews to her body, and spend three hours inside a hamper full of rabid squirrels."

"She would prefer dressing up in a Harley costume, going to a biker bar in Oakland, and saying, 'Vroom! Vroom!'"

[No, wait a minute. That’s what I’d rather do than watch another episode of Wife Swap. Nevermind.]

"She would rather have sex with me."

At that point, I knew I was making up stuff that nobody in their right mind could possibly believe, so I decided to just go with the pliers and move on.)

So, during this Notre Dame football game, there was a feature about the preparation leading up to the team going out onto the field. At the end of that vignette, they showed the Fighting Irish leaving the locker room and heading for the stadium. Just outside of the locker room (in a stairwell, as I recall) there was a sign hanging on the wall. Every player on the Notre Dame team touched that sign as they passed by it. It was meant to remind them of their mission. The sign said "Play Like A Champ Today."

Well, MY WIFE thought it would be more fun if the sign said "Play Like A CHIMP Today." She then started running around the room like a monkey, scratching her armpits and making "ooh-ooh-ah-ah" monkey sounds. I thought it was a great idea, so I joined in. We BOTH ran around the room scratching our armpits and making "ooh-ooh-ah-ah" monkey sounds. Then I twisted her nipples with a pair of needle nose pliers and we both slept well that night.

The next day, she made a small sign out of construction paper and hung it over our door. It read, of course, "Play Like A Chimp Today." And, for a couple of years, every time we left our apartment, we would reach up and touch that sign. Sometimes we made the monkey noises again.

There. Aren’t you glad I took the time to explain it?

Soon, with more better stuff.

(By the way, any of you know where I can rent a hamper full of rabid squirrels? It doesn’t have to be immediately. Next Valentine’s Day will do.)



22 comments:

lime said...

she can have the needle nose pliers i'll go with the cashews and hamper full of rabid squirrels (in any color) in lieu of ever watching another football game....or may i also add....zombie show/movie.

but playing like a chimp and making a sign for it. now THAT'S genius. i love YOUR WIFE.

Craig said...

See, when I hear 'Play Like a Chimp', I think of all those documentaries about mate-swapping bonobos. . . Or 'Crazy Monkey Sex'. . . Stuff like that. . .

Which I'd most DEFINITELY rather do than watch Notre Dame anything. . .

(Except last year, when they played my Spartans, and we ran that fake field goal in overtime. THAT was WAY cool. . .)

Carolina said...

This is so funny. I really did LOL. You've really found your other half and the both of you make ONE crazy couple. Lovely :-)


(So, Craig calls those movies 'documentaries'. Uhuh.)

Suldog said...

Craig - I should point out that I'm not especially a Notre Dame fan. I was watching them play Boston College, my favorite team. However, in the interests of not having to explain a whole bunch more stuff about football to my women readers, and keeping the story a bit shorter, I didn't.

Jackie said...

Hey!! Wait a minute!!! The "...explain a whole bunch more stuff about football to my women readers" comment...??? I "B" a woman. I love to watch football. No 'splainin' needed. Love the post and hope that you and your wife continue to have a beautiful love together. You are both blessed to have the other to call friend/wife/husband.

Suldog said...

Jackie - You're right. I shouldn't have phrased it that way and made it seem that I think no women would be football fans. I should have said "... explain a whole bunch more football stuff to my non-football-loving readers...", leaving it non-sexist. My apologies to you and others who might have been offended.

Jackie said...

I wasn't offended, Jim. Love ya and just pokin' fun. Knew you could take it! :))

Stephen Hayes said...

Mrs. Chatterbox and I only watch one football game a year and that's the Super Bowl, which we watch for the commercials. As far as the game goes, we're still trying to figure out how those lines appear and disappear on the field.

Craig said...

@Carolina - Just the ones about the bonobos. . .

;)

Michelle H. said...

Actually, I think I caught that episode with the bonobos. It is really entertaining.

The sign is a cute thing to have. It reminds a husband/wife that there is a lot to life to laugh about and have fun between each other.

Now, let's get back to talking about these bonobos...

Buck said...

This one was new to me (and quite good in a number of ways, not the least of which is the ND connection), which is a semi-confession that I haven't gone off and read your entire archive. My Bad.

The Second Mrs. Pennington is an ND alumna so I come by my fondness for ND football somewhat naturally. But she's like 90% of wimmen out there, in that she admitted to me she went to exactly ONE ND game during her time there, and that was when she was a senior and had 50-yard line seats. As for watching them on teevee with me? I don't think that ever happened in our 23 years together.

Wait. Once. The 1977 Cotton Bowl. My Bad... again.

Uncle Skip, said...

Human Characteristics of Chimps was more about Bonobos

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Sad thing is, the New York Jets actually DO have the PLAY LIKE A CHIMP TODAY sign and they take it literally. Anyone who's ever seen the shit that Mark Sanchez throws will back me on this.

Tabor said...

While not a big football fan I did find that this was a great story.

Lowandslow said...

LOL! That's funny. Come to think of it, for quite a few years there I think they WERE playing like chimps. ;)

S

silly rabbit said...

HA! You two are soul mates for sure!

Joanna Jenkins said...

This is a great story-- As a non-football loving wife it made me crack up.
Cheers, jj

Julie said...

made me smile - thanks

i beati said...

Saint

Clare Dunn said...

'Play like a Chimp'.

That's not what jd and I call it, but...whatever floats your boat.

Now, where is that crazed weasel?

xoxoxo, cd

messymimi said...

The couple that plays together, stays together, apparently. ;)

Mich said...

Lol I love Wife Swap. Some of the worst rubbish ever put on television, but SO ENTERTAINING.

It's always good to remember to play, no matter how you're playing. :)

xoxo