Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Commercial Christmas




[From Amazon. As you'll hear later, I underestimated the price.]


I've set it to music (or a reasonable facsimile thereof.)

Hmmmmmmm. Some of you seem puzzled. Oh! You're asking me what I've set to music. Why, this, of course!

Commercial Christmas

Up your bum with sugar plums
It's November, when Santa comes!
He's bringing you a credit card
And he wants you to charge it hard
It's Christmas
It's Commercial Christmas
Jesus Christ got nothin' to do with this

Friday's black, they're on attack
At Wal-Mart, Costco, and Radio Shack
They won't stop until you've bled
They need your green to get out of the red
It's Christmas!
It's Commercial Christmas!
Jesus Christ got nothin' to do with this

It's Veterans Day! Put up your tree!
Slide on down the chimney with me!
We'll go on a spending spree!
Bend over nine times, the tenth one's free!

(lots of stuff - crummy solo, spoken words, etc.)

Hey, hey, Rudolph! Whaddayasay?
Are you all set to pull that sleigh?
I'll drink until my nose gets redder
Then we can light up the sky togedder
It's Christmas!
It's Commercial Christmas!
Poor old Christ, up on his cross
His eyes bulge out, He's at a loss
He remembers bein' in the manger
But He can't remember anything stranger
Than Christmas
Commercial Christmas
It seems He died for your revolving credit account!


Yes, it's a good old fashioned Christmas Carol. You can hear it in all it's putrid glory, if you click this here thing.





Tell all your friends. In the true spirit of the commercial season, I want to see this thing go viral and make me a million bucks. I'm not quite sure how it will do so, but I expect the cash will just flow into my pockets magically in some way. Isn't that how things work on teh intertubes?

Soon, with more better stuff.

P.S. Some production notes for those who care (I think they may be the same people who stand in line at midnight on Thanksgiving waiting for Target to open, but...)

My partner in this production was Dan Nelson (who, considering his reputation in our industry as a really fine producer, is probably pissed that I'm doing him the disservice of attaching his name to this, but that's just the kind of guy I am.)

All instruments were made to produce their noises by me. It is a fine example of what happens when a bass player is left alone in a studio with guitars that have more than four strings. The lone exception are the drums. I didn't play them. I did, however, string them together in such a way as to make them sound they way they do, so there.

Finally, I would like to dedicate this tune to whatever greedy bastard decided that making a replica of Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree, and selling it, would be in keeping with the "Christmas is too commercialized" message of that show. Way to go! You are, without a doubt, the person who didn't get it most of all (and you no doubt would like to figure some way to sue me over this song, and I can't say that most folks who have listened to it would blame you.)



47 comments:

desertdew said...

Thanks for sharing such valuable information.Keep posting such great info for us thanks

Hilary said...

You're a one-man-anti-excessive-commercialism-band. You're a multi-talent, Mr. Suldog. Bravo!

Michelle H. said...

Wow! They really pushed your buttons with the midnight Christmas shopping on Thanksgiving, although I would think you would have had a beef with Toys R Us, since they opened at 9pm on Thanksgiving.

As for your song, all I have to say is, "Trans-Siberian Orchestra, meet Suldog. Enjoy his renditions."

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Oh, man, brilliant! Stan Freberg and Weird Al would be proud.

Craig said...

Aw, man! Yer link is banned by my work network. . .

Banned in Michigan!

You've hit the big time, Sully!

messymimi said...

Well, i'm mad my computer doesn't have sound right now.

You are preaching to the choir on this one.

Cricket said...

Heh, heh. Good ol' FZ would be proud of ya.

Suldog said...

Craig - Probably because the website has "Box" in the title and they think it's porno.

If you'd like an MP3 sent to you - if anyone would - give me a good address. Happy to do so.

Sandy Kessler said...

you know I phase it out I really do most gifts are natural and trees are too - I spend very little don't have it and still people are happy

Buck said...

I want to see this thing go viral...

One (invented) word: YouTube.

Box won't let ya embed, The Tube O' You WILL. I ghuar-on-TEE ya viral if you YouTube it. I'll post it in a heartbeat and Bang! You'll have three more views!

Brilliant.

Suldog said...

Buck - If I had some video content to go with this, I'd be on it in a flash. Unfortunately, I have none. Anybody want to take a shot at it? You have my blessing!

Daryl said...

the tree sellers on B'way in my hood are selling for $1 a fir branch like that stuck into a 'round' slice off the bottom of another tree .. and I sort of want one ..

PYAK said...

Suldog - you have a keeper here. I'm reposting on FB. Bob Rivers will be after ya in no time. Great lyric!

Carolina said...

Now we only need a technical guy with too much time on his hands who'll decorate his home with lights that 'go on and off' (I'm sure there's a technical term for such elaborate decorations, but I don't know it) on the beat of this tune... You could of course 'do' your own house and charge people for looking and listening ;-)

Buck said...

You don't need original content to YouTube it, Jim. Generic Christmas images will do... I've seen vids with but a single image for the entire song. A google image search for "grinch" would turn up all sorts of interesting options!

Suldog said...

Buck - Thanks. I've seen stuff like that, and I thought of doing something simple, but I then realized I haven't even the tiniest slightest bit of an idea of HOW to do it.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

It's up on my blog, jim. If you don't like it, I'll remove it.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Be sure to watch it all the way through

Tabor said...

It is everywhere! You deserve this large screen TV for Christmas. Charge it! Bring your pepper spray and sharp elbows.

Barbara Shallue said...

Too good not to share!!! I can't believe someone is marketing those trees! Yikes!

Suldog said...

IT - Bless you, you demented bastard!

stopsign said...

I love it and will share it too.

silly rabbit said...

Yay! You gave me what I asked for... the production of your carol!
I am so honored... and ignoring the fact that it wasn't just for me alone. If I can figure out how to do it, I would love to put it on my blog. With your permission of course!

Suldog said...

Everybody has my permission to do whatever the hell they want with it, just so long as if any profit is made, I get at least half :-)

innominatus said...

Had to stop in after seeing Andy's rave review and Ivan's vid. Nicely done!

Mind if I ask whatcha used for the drum track? I've downloaded a few freebie drum machines, but they've either stunk or been too hard for this old guy to figure out.

Uncle Skip, said...

Remind me to never, ever decorate a palm tree.
You are one talented fella. Suldog.

lime said...

oh suldog, if it were possible to love you more this would do it! you rock, most righteously.

and i found that damned charlie brown christmas tree on sale a couple of years ago and had a conniption right in the store. my kids were mortified. i figure it just evens things up a bit from when they were tantrum throwing toddlers who had to be hauled out of the grocery store for a bit of discipline. but sheesh, really. the schmuck peddling that tree ought to be strung up with some of your guitar wire and flogged with a bass.

LOVE the new carol. love it!

Jeni said...

Everything -every word -all the truth and nothing but that! Hope you make a mint!

SueAnn said...

I have to say here that this is the best Christmas Carol I have heard this year!!
Jesus would approve!
Hugs
SueAnn

Suldog said...

Thanks, all! As is obvious, I was going for something that explained that Jesus would be baffled (well, not "baffled", as He is God, but you know what I mean) by all of the kerfluffle that surrounds the celebration of His birth, and I did struggle a bit with whether or not I might be veering into the blasphemous. As always, I decided I could err on the side of knowing that God has a sense of humor.

CiCi said...

Well, of course I enjoyed the guitar playing. Sad that this is actually true. Commercialism rules, igniting the credit card frenzy at all holidays.

Clare Dunn said...

Link to your post is on my blog today. It addition, my versions of the "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" appear for your viewing pleasure.

(That little tree deserves more respect...it's being exploited for profit really goes the way of the colon-o-scope.

xoxoxo, cd

Quirkyloon said...

Wow. I always imagined your voice as being deeper. heh heh

This was great!

Love the Charlie Brown Christmas song in the back ground.

Suldog said...

Innomatus - For drums, I used some "cels" (small pre-recorded one or two bar segments that, when strung together, match up on the beat) which are available for download on-line at...

http://www.adobe.com/special/products/audition/loopology.html

Since I use Adobe in my job, I have the platform to utilize these (I did the entire production on Adobe, recording my guitar parts, bass, vocals, etc, over those beats.) If you don't have Adobe, I'm not sure how these might work for you. Hope this helps!

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

"IT - Bless you, you demented bastard!"

Sully - you say the nicest things

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Although I'm a little bummed there isn't the aforementioned sax solo I have shared this link with my entire network. So you should get about 2 extra hits on your blog now, exciting, eh?! Hey, can't say I never did anything for ya my friend. Merry Christmas, from the Best Buy parking lot (hey, is that Jesus.....???)

Suldog said...

Jenn - Yeah, wish I could have had that sax, but...

1 ) I don't own one

2) I can't play one

All things considered, the crappy guitar solo is probably better.

Craig said...

OK, now that was definitely 4+ minutes well-spent. Nice! And clever, too! Thanks.

Now I'm gonna hafta play it for my kids. . .

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Fan-freakin-tastic! Going to share with my little network, too.
Merry Christmas Charley Brown, and you, too, Jim.

Karen said...

Brilliant. I'm posting it to my FB page so all my (5) friends can listen :)

Uncle Skip, said...

I forgot to get to the fruitcake store in time... they ran out... so I linked IT's Youtube on my sidebar for ya.

Moannie said...

There's only one Sully Suldog... You my son are brilliant.

Jackie said...

I'm impressed....especially with the music. You did a great job with this, Jim. I really love the music....can't say that enough!!
I wish I had a gazillion "kool" photos on hand. I would love to play around with it and make a YouTube link for you.

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Knucklehead sent me over. He knows how much I hate the commercialization of Christmas. This line? "It seems He died for your revolving credit account!" Awesome and my sentiment exactly. Great post. Go viral already!

Uncle Skip, said...

Thanks for the Bacon, Jim. I'd suggest you give it to IT for his Youtube thing, but he's already got Bacon.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm laughing out loud Suldog. This is awesome.
jj

Mich said...

Very nice song. You'll be top of the charts by next Christmas! :D

xo