Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Those Things For Which I Am Thankful



1 - My wonderful relatives and friends.

2 - The ability to use this space as a device for copping out.

During the 6+ year run of this blog, I have had many wonderful people leave comments, or send me e-mail, or even write me via old-fashioned snail mail; send me nice little gifts, or, in some instances, send me rather large and expensive gifts; favor me with artwork of their own invention, including photos, drawings, and original musical recordings; contribute to causes I asked them to contribute to, with some going to considerable expense in doing so; and otherwise make my life a joy by going out of their way to do nice things for me.

In return, I have been a slug.

Not always, of course. It's possible you may be in possession of an actual writing of some sort from me, wherein I said "Thanks!" for whatever it was you did. If so, lucky you! However, if I have NOT thanked you for some kind deed you've done for me, I have been the aforementioned slimy creature from the garden. Please let me take this opportunity to assure you that I have not only received whatever it was you sent, but I have reveled in it.

I mean it. There has not been a comment, letter, gift, kindness, or other good deed done, that hasn't made me smile. I live for that stuff, and if you've contributed to the great pile of it, I adore you.

3 - I have my health. At least, my spleen appears to be working rather well.

4 - Really, I always fully intend to reply to everyone who comments or otherwise writes in response to something I've written, but sometimes I have something else come up and I forget. That's not a good excuse, but it's the only one I have at the moment. And I hope, if you've ever felt slighted in any way by my lack of reply, that you'll accept this as an apology and forgive me.

Of course, the possibility exists that I pissed you off so much by not replying to your heartfelt message that you stopped reading me ages ago and, if so, you aren't seeing this at all and I'm wasting my time writing it. Oh, well. I deserve to have my time wasted if I received something wonderful from someone and I didn't thank that person.

5 - Thus far, I have not been trod upon by an elephant.

6 - You see, sometimes I just plain lose an e-mail, or misplace an address, or otherwise lose the ability to give thanks in return for your kindnesses. And I really feel bad about it, too. Another thing to consider is that I have an actual full time job and I have to at least appear to be doing it full time or else I won't get paid, so I can't spend all day at work (since I don't have internet at home) replying to every damn thing that comes to me via e-mail.

(Well, I don't mean "DAMN thing that comes to me via e-mail", as though you've ruined my day by writing to me. I like the stuff, but... ah, you know what I mean. Let's drop it.)

7 - Since I'm bald, I'm the first one to know when it's raining. Or when someone is spitting on me. On the other hand, I wasn't born a salamander, so there's that.



[A tiger salamander, which I am not, but the more I think of it, maybe I'd be better off.]


8 - It just now occurs to me that if I had spent as much time searching for your lost e-mails or letters as I'm spending in writing this tripe, I probably could have saved both of us some time and actually said a proper thanks to you. This thought probably occurred to you, too, but you were just oh-so-polite, in that way you are, and decided not to say anything, so you just let me go on and on and on making a fool of myself.

9 - My socks only have a few holes in them, and as long as I line them up to miss the holes in my shoes, it's not too bad when it rains.

10 - I've got to be honest here and tell you that it really cheeses me off the way you just sat there and let me continue making an ass of myself, OK? You could have stepped in at any time and said, "Jim, it's no trouble at all!", but instead I've been blathering for ten minutes without a single peep out of you. What the hell.

11 - My eyeballs aren't currently bleeding.

12 - You know, you've really got a nerve. Just because you mailed me a fruitcake, or played a few bars on a song I wrote, or sent me nude photos of yourself, you think I've got nothing better to do than thank you for making me fat and horny!

13 - Judas Iscariot on a rocket-powered skateboard! Yes, YOU made me fat and horny! It wasn't my fault! The crappy bass playing was my fault, I admit that, but a real friend would have told me how shitty I played and kept me from disgracing myself in public, you asswipe!

14 - Oh, really?!? Well, I'd like to see you try it, you sorry sack of shit! I didn't get to be this old and decrepit by letting half-witted dopes like you get the better of me!

15 - Warm fluffy kittens who cuddle with you on a cold winter night.

16 - ... and if you don't like it, you can shove it up your big fat ass! Like I need this crap. Just because I won't get down on bended knee, worshiping the ground you walk on, while spouting effusive gratitude for your favors, you think you can walk all over me? Well, let me tell you something, bub: It's a free country, I pay most of my taxes, and I don't have to take this shit from the likes of you!

17 - I'm even thankful for the folks who will have read only the first few lines of this, scrolled down to the end while thinking it was a straight-ahead post about being thankful for the mundane things in life, and who then left a comment along the lines of "Oh, how sweet! Your poops must be made of sunshine and rainbows!" They mean well, even if they're morons.

18 - So take your fruitcakes, guitar solos, nude photos, Thanksgiving Comes First blogs, letters to my Cousin Dorothy, well wishes for my softball teams, and congratulations on being published in a major metropolitan newspaper, and put them where the sun don't shine, you fu... you... uh...

19 - Well, now that I think of it, you have been pretty nice and I have been a slug. So, in conclusion, let me say thank you, and rest assured that I love my life, I love you, I love God, and I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth. My life couldn't possibly be more blessed!!!

Soon, with more better stuff.



29 comments:

haphazardlife said...

Posts like this one are why I love you so.

CiCi said...

This is scary. This is just too much like what my dear husband has been writing lately while he is in his manic episode. Do you have bipolar disorder too? Heh.

And anyway, why would interrupt your going on and on making an ass of yourself as you say in your post? It is free entertainment for us.

Oh, and you are welcome.

Pearl said...

12, 13, and 14 made me laugh.

Damn you, Sully!!

Great post. You're a funny man.

Pearl

Daryl said...

Lucky for me I speed read so I put down the hot coffee or I swear by Judas Iscariot on a rocket-powered skateboard I'd frickin' sue your not so skinny ass ... and its time you got the damn internets at home, sheesh

Craig said...

Geez, and I thought Lou Gehrig was the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth. 'Course, he'd left it by the time you came around, so you're probably good. . .

I could bring my elephant by your place, and have him tread on your head, if you'd like. Which would probably also cause your eyeballs to bleed, so you'd get a two-fer. Let me know. . .

Oh, wait. . . you were thankful for NOT having those things. . . never mind. . .

Uncle Skip, said...

Just happy to be here for ya, Sully.

Jackie said...

Sunshine and rainbows..??
My my...our suthurn ones are so different. But then, we're morons.
Love you, my friend.
Jackie

Sandi McBride said...

I snickered so hard I broke my nose...or at the very least my left nostril...and if you were that gorgeous salamander, you'd have no end of dates come date night...
Sandi

messymimi said...

Thank you, for posting stuff like this.

And i was taught better than to interrupt when people are talking.

The Broad said...

You darling boy you! Now, can we do Christmas stuff?

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

That's quite a gratitude list.
Oh, and you did a nice job with the title, too, not ending with the preposition.

Just Stuff From a Boomer said...

That is some list. I really have to rethink what I'm thankful for. You've made me appreciate some of the more mundane points in life.

silly rabbit said...

You know I hadn't heard a good rant of yours on the goodness of others in awhile... thanks for the smile and giggles!

Joanna Jenkins said...

You crack me up! "I wasn't born a salamander, so there's that." Hahahahaha. I'll be laughing about that one all day.
jj

Shrinky said...

You've misssed your calling Sully, you should have been a stand-up-comedian - this just slayed me.

Word to the wise: Fluffy kittens grow into full-size killing machines, later to get senile and pee the bed (trust me, I know).

lime said...

ok, let me just say i had a completely crappy day today. i won't bore you with details other than to say it sucked festering hairy donkey balls. then i came home, stuck a block of picnic ice down my pants (because ya know, what else are ya gonna do to take yer mind off such hideousness) and then i sat down to read your post and got some really good laughs which were great medicine. and remembered that i too am incredibly blessed even if i don't poop rainbows...at least i have a working spleen and i am not a salamander...and i have some amazing friends. rock on and thanks also for taking up the cause over at my place. :)

Buck said...

My life couldn't possibly be more blessed!!!

You're right there. You ARE blessed!

Lora said...

Glad I didn't just scroll to the end because I TOTALLY needed this laugh today! The salamander really got me.

Hilary said...

You are a hoot. I smiled, snickered snorted and giggled through this whole piece but I laughed right out loud at how misplaced #15 was with everything that came before it. Yeah, you're a hoot.

SueAnn said...

Why don't you tell me how you truly feel??? Darn ya!
Hugging you
SueAnn

Moannie said...

Oh boy how I've missed you. XX

Michelle H. said...

At least the therapy sessions seem to be working. As I go to change a poopy baby diaper, I'll be thinking of you and laughing. I mean that last part in a good way. Not that I relate you to baby poop, which is sweet-smelling when they drink formula but is smelly when eating more solid foods. Just that I like your posts like this when you're a mixture of sweetness and sourpuss.

Maggie May said...

You really are very funny and I suppose you've helped me to be really grateful that I haven't been trodden on by an elephant either.
Maybe I shouldn't tempt Providence......... LOL!
Maggie x

Nuts in May

Barbara Shallue said...

Oh, you crack me up. You are one of the few people I know who can spout off like that and actually endear people to you even more! Thanks for brightening my day!

Jeni said...

Can I just say "Ditto" to all the above comments and save the wear and tear on my fingers trying to type a full commentary here -also save wear and tear on my pea brain trying to figure out ways to word my commentary too! But one question here before I go -How, exactly, does one determine if one's spleen is functioning correctly anyway? Just wanted though to let you know that, again -or as usual -you have just made my day more than a little brighter and I'll be snickering for a long while over your words of the day!

Karen said...

Great post, as usual. Your sincere gratitude shines through the funny stuff.

Steve Bailey said...

Thanks a lot for never ever responding to my mental telepathy.... ass!

Suldog said...

Hey, Steve... What's up? Odd thing. I know I commented on at least one of your recent posts, maybe two or three, but I look now and no comments from me are there. I guess that's what I get for not having ESP? Bizarre.

Clare Dunn said...

You're Welcome!

*<S:O)S

xoxoxo, cd