Friday, October 28, 2011
MY WIFE now has an e-mail account.
(I would give the address here, so that she could enjoy the many pleasures of being spammed unmercifully with Viagra ads and promises of great wealth from Nigerian attorneys, but it is a combination of things that add up to her actual real name and, since I solemnly promised never to reveal her true identity on this blog, she'll have to wait an extra week or so before any Middle Eastern potentates on their deathbeds write to tell her of her good fortune.)
She can only access her e-mail at the local public library. This is because we have no internet connection at home. That is entirely my fault, of course. I think we've both come to the conclusion that we'd finally like to have some home connection with the outside electronic world, but I'm the sort who is reluctant to ask other people for advice even when I know diddly-squat about whatever it is I should be asking advice about and know that relying upon the kindness of strangers would be better than self-education. Therefore, we are unlikely to have an internet connection for at least the next three or four months while I learn just enough to get me into serious trouble at the computer store.
Meanwhile, I thought you might get some entertainment from our first ever exchange of e-mails!
Her, to Me:
In a message dated 10/25/2011 11:48:13 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, MYWIFE@suchandsuch.com writes:
Time to waste in between doctors appointments - 2 hours
Time it takes to figure out how to get into suchandsuch.com - 15 minutes
Time the library lets you use the computer - 30 minutes
Time I feel like throwing up - 56 years/6 months/7 days... no, scratch that, I was happy til I was five.
Farting - Priceless!
Me, to Her
Date: Tue, 25 Oct 2011 11:49:56 -0400
Subject: Re: Welcome to the 21st Century!
If you were as inventive and cute as me, that would have been a blog post.
Her, to Me
Feel free to use it in yours. I'm now going to take a Xanax and rest before the dentist. If I had to choose betwixt this and the dentist, I'll take the dentist. Using a computer at the library is like using the bathroom in somebody else's house.
I would have written back...
Did you have any particular house in mind?
... at which point she would have replied with something witty (because she is) but she's at the dentist by now and probably won't read any more e-mail for another two weeks (at which time I trust she won't think the penis enlargement spams are worth saving for me, but if she does I'll be thinking twice about actually getting that internet connection at home.)
Soon, with more better stuff.