Monday, October 25, 2010

Worst... Halloween... EVER!



I'm here to tell you that was the worst Halloween ever. We didn't get a single kid last night!

MY WIFE and I dressed up and everything. I was The Wolfman and she was Frankenstein. She only stands about five-one, so she was the cutest little Frankenstein you ever saw! Then we stood outside of our front door waiting for the kids to show up in their costumes. We even had an endless tape loop of "Monster Mash", by Bobby "Boris" Pickett, and set up our stereo speakers to blast it out the window. And then...

NOTHING! We couldn't believe it! I mean, in other years we at least got 10 or 15 children, but not a single solitary kid came to the door last night. As a matter of fact, I didn't even see ONE child on the entire street for the entire night. Amazing. Has Halloween died so thoroughly?

You know, I expected that some of our neighbors might be disappointed, too, but they didn't seem to be. A few of them opened their doors to look outside - I guess they wanted to see if there were any kids coming - but, when their eyes met ours, they went back inside, shaking their heads. I guess they were just embarrassed to not have costumes as good as ours.

One Halloweenie (I guess that's a good name for someone who's the equivalent of a "Scrooge" at Christmas) yelled out, "Shut off that fucking music, you morons!" not getting into the spirit of things at all. With people like that in the neighborhood, maybe the kids were just completely scared to come down our street.

Well, we weren't going to let one bad apple ruin Halloween for the whole neighborhood. We'd show him! We decided to really pick up the pace. I went inside and turned up the Monster Mash really loud. MY WIFE put her arms straight out in front of her like Frankenstein's monster does and she stiffly walked up and down the sidewalk going, "Aaargh! Fire BAD! Aaargh!" Then I came back outside, squatted down on my haunches and howled like a banshee at the moon. "Aaaroooooooooooo! Aaaroooooooooooo!"

Finally, around 9pm, when we realized that there wouldn't be even one trick-or-treater this year, we went inside, shut off the music, and got out of our costumes. I'm glad I bought candy I really like because we ended up eating all of it ourselves.

Did any of you have as miserable a Halloween as we did? I sure hope not. What a major disappointment. Never have I had such a rotten October 24th in all... my...

Oh, wait a minute. It's next Sunday?

Nevermind.


30 comments:

haphazardlife said...

We never get anyone. Probably because we shut the lights and pretend we're not home.

- Jazz

Cricket said...

Heh, heh.

I never mind plenty of leftover candy. My wife has us giving out those little bags of pretzels lately. Now that's ok, but I'd rather be the house giving out Reese's. Finest candy ever made, imho.

And if there are leftovers, well, so be it. I'm thinking of a line from Peg Bracken:

Asking what to do with leftover cake is like asking what to do with leftover whiskey.

Michelle H. said...

Ah, you sly dog! Rehashing an old post to play a "trick" on your blog pals for a "treat." Nice...

Actually, there's a lot of people getting into the holiday spirit with dressing up their houses for Halloween. Who knows? I've been told there's actually kids who go trick-or-treating here, since it will be my first Halloween. Maybe I'll see both kids (and adults) enjoying themselves.

Craig said...

Halloween?

BAH! HUMBUG!!

(So I suppose now I get visited by ghosts, huh?)

Gaston Studio said...

Okay, you really had me going there for a couple of seconds! I often think it's a Monday when it's actually a Wednesday, so I'm gullible.... don't do that to an old woman Sully!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

So in other words, it was just the usual, run-of-the-mill Sunday night at the Sullivans'?

Hope you had Snickers.

Quirkyloon said...

Hee hee hee.

Does this mean you're going to give away ALL that candy in a giveaway?

What's that?

Can't hear youuuuuu!

Jewels said...

I read the first half of the post wondering if your town had a local tradition where halloween was a week early for... I don't know.. safety reasons or something. Silly Dog.

ladyfi said...

This was funny! And guess what - you get to do it all over again next week... ;-)

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Jim...you are an absolute SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, love, love this!!!!!! Big Monday smiles to one of my all-time FAVORITE people!!! Hugs, Janine

Kris, in New England said...

We've done the lights out/no one is home thing for about 10 years now. This year we made plans that have forced us to be home on Halloween night.

I bought candy. I may or may not answer the door.

Reese's and Kit Kats - will do that to a person.

Daryl said...

bwahaaaaaaaa

Buck said...

I still have candy left over from my first Halloween in Beautiful La Hacienda Trailer Park seven years ago, coz no one ever comes around. I should prolly throw that stuff out one of these days. But at least I don't have to sit in the dark... there ARE bennies.

Boom Boom Larew said...

Great plan... always buy and eat the Halloween candy a week early. Works for me!

Ruth and Glen said...

That was a hoot! Just think of it as a dress rehearsal. :o)

Maggie May said...

I was beginning to think it was the same in our area! You had me creased up when I realised!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Karen said...

Haha!

Eddie Bluelights said...

I was going to say, "Jim and his Mrs have the wrong date" LOL . . . broom, broom!!!

Now if you knocked on my door and said "Trick or Treat?", assuming I am a real meannie and a scrouge and did not give you a treat, what trick would you play on me? LOL

Ericka said...

lol.

i had a couple of kids come to my door on saturday. (i'm fairly certain that they knew they were early and were just trying to cage more candy.) but i didn't have any candy in the house so they got apples. i don't think they were pleased.

CherylK said...

I didn't catch on until the end...I hate to admit that since it's my first visit to your blog. But you caught me off guard.

I actually stopped by to learn what a SLOBBERKNOCKER is and to tell you congrats for winning Hilary's contest! Will read on to see if the definition is hidden in another post.

Tim King said...

Big chuckle, Jim. You had me going there for a while. Thought maybe you meant to post this next week or something. :)

-TimK

nick said...

You got me on that one. All the way through I was thinking something just wasn't quite right.. then the punch line. Well done mate!

Hilary said...

You're one batty ghuy.. and YOUR WIFE is one crazy ghoul. Both the trick and the treat are on us. Thanks for the smiles. :)

Angela Christensen said...

Welcomed with joy at our house, where it hardly matters what day it is - we live on a quasi-country road and in the 15 years we've been here we've had not one single trick-or treater. This is despite the presence of our own kids (who were little when we moved here) AND the persistent and abiding affection my husband has for Halloween...no kids. We eat the chocolate every year (and I carry it on my ass, out of loyalty, year over year) and like all self-respecting former trick or treaters, we'd throw out any SubPar takings, like those awful black and orange wrapped things...basically anything NOT chocolate got tossed out. These days we buy a bunch of KitKats and then eat them ourselves....

Jeni said...

I was reading your post and thinking boy, I know around here sometimes the township supervisors will coose a date other than Oct. 31st for the kids to do their Trick or Treating but sheesh, a whole week early? What would be the point of that? And then you polish it all off by acknowledging that it was Oct 24th, not the 31st.
Now tell me, did you and your wife REALLY do that? Not that it would surprise me if you did as I've come to believe where you are concerned, to not be surprised at most anything you might do or have done!

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Hahaha! Classic...

Pam said...

You're too funny! What a hoot! It would be a riot to be your neighbor!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

And so that would be why your lights are turned off and your door is locked THIS Sunday? Purrrfect excuse....

lime said...

man, now i want to come all the way to MA just so i can see YOUR WIFE walking around like frankenstein and you crouching and baying at the moon!

slommler said...

I am definitely going to come to your house on Halloween...wait a minute. I should come now while you still have some candy!!?? Oh wait a minute...you said you two ate it all!!!!! Never mind!!!!
Hugs
SueAnn