Monday, August 31, 2009

Whatever Title I Put On This Will Be Inadequate, So To Hell With It

Did you read THE GAFFY AWARD (Not Safe For Work, etc.)?

If Yes, did you also read Eeka And Suldog, Sitting In A Tree...?

And how about Blushed?

If all of those are in your past, God bless you. You are to be congratulated for completing that trilogy of dildo-centric posts. I applaud your perseverance, at the very least, and am amazed that you have returned for more.

If you have read none of those, then what follows will make not even the tiniest bit of sense to you. I suggest you bone up - so to speak - by reading them, but be aware that they are full to the brim with vile filth (which is, of course, the best kind) and may contain photos that will get you fired (much as this post may following all of this superfluous jibber-jabber.)

Okay. That's enough warning. Here are the photos taken at THE GAFFY AWARDS DINNER.

Oh, one note. There appear to be oncoming headlights in a number of these shots. Actually, that's just the weird lighting in the place. We weren't actually in any danger of being run over.

*****************************************************************

Here are some more of the lovely nametags constructed by eeka.



Here I am, about to bring THE GAFFY out into the open. You can't see my thoughts, but here is what I was thinking: "I am about to pull a bright red dildo out of this box. There are whole tables of unsuspecting dinner patrons all around us, some of them with children. Is there any way I can do this gracefully?"

The answer, of course, was "No".



MY WIFE, by far the smartest one in this bunch of reprobates, did not trust any of us to leave her out of the photos. She did not want her face seen in such lurid company. Therefore, she brought her own pixilation.



The lovely Elodia, wife of Bruce Coltin (right), listens intently to whatever bullshit I was spouting at the moment.



Adam Gaffin, of Universal Hub, tries desperately to suck his drink down as quickly as possible in order to become oblivious to his surroundings. Meanwhile, EEKA'S SPOUSE enjoys a nacho.



And here we see me holding (as gingerly as possible) THE GAFFY. Notice the lovely pedestal which eeka fashioned for it. Also notice that I am trying to hold it in such a way as to keep it out of sight of the youngsters who were eating at the tables both behind me and to my left.



Here I am presenting THE GAFFY to eeka, as deserving a recipient as there is ever likely to be.



As eeka thanks the little people (EEKA'S SPOUSE wondered why The Roloffs deserved thanks) I eye the award in a manner that would suggest... well, I don't rightly know what it would suggest, other than the fact that I'm a big dope.



eeka continues her acceptance speech, I continue looking like a dope, and a member of the dinner party directly behind us asks her companion if it's too late to go eat somewhere else.



Okay, if I had any sense of self-respect whatsoever, I'd leave this photo out. I'm all about bringing the funny, though, and if I have to look like an imbecile to deliver the goods, so be it. One good thing about this photo: If they ever decide to do a live action version of Wallace & Gromit, I'll be a shoo-in if I send this photo to the casting director.



Here eeka proudly displays her rather large award. Since there is no sound, you can't hear our waiter banging dishes in the background in an effort to get us to leave as quickly as possible.



Elodia and I look on in extremely wide-eyed amazement at something. I have no idea what it was. It must have been something you don't see every day.



Ah, yes. A big dildo on a dinner table. That must have been it.



Our waiter clears the table as quickly as is humanly possible. Remember how earlier I said that you couldn't see my thoughts? Consider yourself very lucky to not see his.



And th-th-th-that's all, folks!

THE GAFFY will reside in eeka's care for now, waiting to be awarded to whomever she deems a worthy recipient. I'd like to take this opportunity to say "No tag backs!"

Soon, with... aw, heck, any promises I make are likely to end up being hollow. Let's just say "See you soon!"

31 comments:

Expat From Hell said...

Hopefully next time around I will be at the table with y'all. It will take a number of pints in order to participate at this level, though.

Great post and photos!

EFH

Lola said...

That sounds like a fun family outing.
What were you eating?

Bruce Coltin said...

...just when I thought I had put this night out of my mind.

Linda said...

I'm waiting to see photos pop up online from the other diners there. I cannot believe that no cell phones were pointed in your direction.

And that waiter deserved a big tip for his poker face.

Jeni said...

One thing for sure -that award is most definitely in a category all its own!

Hilary said...

Too funny. I had indeed missed a couple of the other posts and had to go back in order to make sense of things. YOUR WIFE's disguise says much. :)

lime said...

i can't decide which is more hilarious, some of the expresssions on your face or the "pixelation" of YOUR WIFE'S. if i had been the waitress i'd have shown a great deal more good humor about the whole thing. what a hoot. then again, a fmaily establishment might not ever have been willing to hire me in the first place.

Michelle H. said...

The expression on your face says a million words concerning this award.

Shammickite said...

I don't blame your wife one bit for donning that disguise, very sensible woman.

♥ Braja said...

I think you're all drunk....

:)

Moannie said...

Oh dear! I get the impression that someone has finally managed to embarrass you...YOUR FACE IS A PICTURE AND I CAN HARDLY SEE WHAT I'M TYPING

There is something I will never understand-if a man is anathema to a lesbian...?

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

You know, the pictures kind of reminded me of some weird, parallel universe bachelorette party with creepy stalker guys (no offense) hanging around.

Seriously, that whole scene is surreal, something you'd see in a movie.

I'm so proud.

Buck said...

I'll echo what Shammickite said... YOUR WIFE appears to be the ONLY one at this gathering with any sense. At all. I think she fully appreciates the " the innernets are forever" concept. :D

Gennasus said...

Oh dear, this may just have been a little too much for someone of my genteel disposition.

I'd better go lie down in a darkened room and try to blot out the whole experience.

Janet said...

I waited tables for a lot of years, but I never had a table that much fun. YOUR WIFE is very smart and obviously always well prepared.

Ananda girl said...

Oh my goodness, my sides hurt from laughing!

Thanks for sharing the photos... I really, really do love YOUR WIFE. Please tell her she has my sympathy (and a little envy too).

Karen said...

Too much fun! Haha!

Mrs. C. said...

The photos really do justice to the event as I has it pictured in my mind. However, in my mind you were eating really big bratwursts for dinner....

I do love a meal with a theme.

Table Mountains said...

hopefully you left a tip. lol

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

LOL..very funny and brave to say the least....(did you supply batteries, or is that a low blow)?

Thanks for dropping by earlier...and of course whilst I spend 2 days in London first week of December I shall take pics of the tube stations signs for you and the tubes...I did think about it this trip, but my juggling of bags prohibited me...

Daryl said...

Too funny .. now I wanna know why there isnt an award of HUGE BOOBS/TITS/TATAS? Huh?

Elizabeth Bradley said...

Your wife is a brave soul.

Jazz said...

Had I had a soul to sell, I would have sold it to be at this party.

Daisy said...

I have no idea what was going on (need to bone up) but this was nonetheless hilarious. Loved your wife's getup - and the company looks great. The waiter had a great cameo too.

Gaston Studio said...

Still think it looks like a huge chili pepper, who thought of that color anyway?

Chuck said...

I knew the dildos would make a repeat appearance!

Mrs. C. said...

I know I have already commented, but has anyone noticed that Jim is looking much more comfortable holding the big dildo than he did in the first post?

eeka said...

I love the play-by-play. HEE.

Thimbelle said...

I think my favorite part is the way that the huge headlights strung about the place have backlit the GAFFY, so as to make it appear as if it is GLOWING!

Ruth and Glen said...

Read the Trilogy of dildo-centric posts in their entirety. . . and YES we have returned for more ! Would have loved to have been there just to see the reactions on the other diners faces. LOL

Jenn said...

Absolutely classic, from beginning to end this entire story is just fantastic.

OMG -- Word verification: pordog

I swear it said porndog at first glance. Ha!