Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Questions

Today, I will be getting all philosophical on your ass.

(I'm fairly certain Plato never introduced one of his discourses in such a manner, but that's only because neither Aristotle or Socrates had as nice an ass as you do.)

(That last parenthetical was addressed only to those of you with nice asses, of course. If you have a crummy ass, my apologies and sincere condolences.)

The following are serious questions. If some of them appear flippant, that's just your prejudices coming into play. Or my ignorance. Either way, I truly want answers to these questions. If you've got some, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave them in the comments (no matter what sort of ass you've got.) If I learn something, we can all be astonished.

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We know there's a sucker born every minute, but how often do they die? And might this death rate be the reason for our current mess? How many of them are voters?

How many angels want to dance on the head of a pin?

Are extra-terrestrials just space perverts? If not, why all the anal probes?

When, exactly, did it become known as World War ONE? When, exactly, will it become known as World War THREE? Or will the government just call it "Operation Whole Earth"?

Why in hell did it take so long for someone to throw a forward pass in football?

Latin is a dead language, right? What did it die of? And why has it persisted as the language of doctors, lawyers, priests, and pretentious blowhards?

(Of course, if you like Latin, De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum, as my grandfather said when he was arrested for putting LSD in the town water supply.)

I know the biological processes involved in an acorn becoming a tree, but where did the processes themselves come from? Everything evolving from some sort of primordial soup is a better explanation for animals than for plants. I mean, why would you evolve roots and seeds when you could just as easily have evolved legs along with a penis or vagina? While we're on this ridiculous train of thought, did penises evolve or were they there on the first creatures to crawl onto land? If they weren't there, then vaginas evolved simultaneously with penises, right? I mean, one is of no earthly use, in a reproductive sense, without the other. And what about bees, he inquired in a non-sequitorish sort of way. What did they do before the flowers decided to become flowers and not naked mole rats? Or, if you want to go with the flowers evolving first, what did they do while they waited for the bees to get their act together? Play canasta? There are far too many things that need other things to propagate their species for me to buy into the supposition that they evolved together. If you've got the answers, lay them on me. Until then, I believe in creation.

(By the way, is it just my perception, or do the folks who most strongly believe in evolution seem to get the most upset when a species becomes extinct? Isn't that the way the whole thing is supposed to work? Conversely, why don't religious folk get more upset about the lack of dodos and passenger pigeons? God must have put them here for some reason, but we went and killed them all, anyway. The whole thing is bollixed up.)

How much would automobiles cost if they weren't advertised? If the costs of airing the commercials, creating the commercials, having advertisements in print media, etc., were removed, how much lower would the prices be? My suspicion is "significantly lower", but does anybody have decent math on this? And, as an aside, how much tax revenue would various state and local governments lose via lessened sales taxes on the lower-priced vehicles? When you give it the same few seconds thought I've invested in the matter, it seems that a high rate of inflation is in the best interests of those states that have sales taxes. That's rather scary.

Where did the Pharisees and Sadducees go? They were big stuff during the time of Jesus, but there don't seem to be any around now. What became of them?

If we made Mexico the 51st state, would we suddenly have a huge influx of Guatemalans coming across our southern border?

An awful lot of people say, "That tastes like shit!", but how many of them really know?

If you wash dirt, what's left?

If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, does that mean the road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions? And what about the road to Purgatory? What's that paved with? Indifference?

Why doesn't anybody take the best idea I've ever had seriously?

If circumcision is such a swell idea, why don't those in favor of it do it to all the male animals they own?

(My luck, that's the idea that will get taken seriously...)

Here's one for the topologists in the crowd: If you print a dialogue on a piece of paper, then twist that paper into a Möbius strip, does it become a monologue?

Okay, so the glass is either half-empty or half-full. Does a pessimist think an optimist drank the other half? Does an optimist think it will become fuller? Does Fuller think it will become a brush?

Is anybody listening? If so, why?

Soon, with less vexing stuff.

34 comments:

Desmond Jones said...

"Tastes like shit. . ." reminds me of the old story about The World's Greatest Salesman, who sold five million toothbrushes a year. . .

He'd set up his cart in a shopping mall, and as people came by, he'd offer them chips and dip. The dip was vile-tasting stuff, and invariably, the recipient would spit it out, exclaiming, "This tastes like shit!"

"It is!" the salesman would reply. "Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

(*Ba-doomp!*)

Desmond Jones said...

OK, your bit on creation/evolution was actually pretty perceptive. Really.

That, and I've always wondered what 'adaptive advantage' is conferred by a knowledge of abstract algebra, or Uguritic poetry. . .

Tara said...

You had me at:

"Are extra-terrestrials just space perverts? If not, why all the anal probes?"

Brian Miller said...

lol. i will be unpacking this one for days. if you find any answers please get back to me, i'm still checking the rear view in the mirror to see if you were even talking to me...lol.

lime said...

ok, the only one i have an answer for is the cup half empty/full. basically, i depends upon whether or not you are in the process of filling it or emptying it. the whole argument is just designed by optimists and pessimists who are looking to polarize the country as they seek to consolidate power for their respective lobbies.

Linda said...

"If you wash dirt, what's left?"

Isn't that how you get to the nitty-gritty?

Angie Ledbetter said...

As for those Biblical citizens, aren't they all politicians now?

How many angels want to dance on the head of a pin? That depends on if they're square dancing or waltzing.

And speaking of dance, you're invited to my HAIKU HOEDOWN contest. Winner gets Cajun Goody pkg. *grin*

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Did Fuller think it was a brush? Awesome.

Latin is a dead language, and it died of veni, vidi, violence.

No angels actually WANT to dance on the head of a pin. It usually happens as the result of a bar bet.

The first forward pass was thrown at the demand of former Rutgers wide-receiver Chuck "Quatrosiete" Johnson saying, "Give me the damn ball." Prior to that, quarterbacks were selfish ball hogs.

The road to purgatory is paved with bad intentions that actually worked out for the best.

Michelle H. said...

We know there's a sucker born every minute, but how often do they die? And might this death rate be the reason for our current mess? How many of them are voters?

Suckers don't die - they reproduce. Pimps in Las Vegas would be out of business if their workers died off. The mess comes from the legislation not wanting to legalize things. And I assume they all vote. Look at how many disgraced politicians there are when news leaks out about their latest sex scandal.

Bruce Coltin said...

My head is killing me.

Thumbelina said...

Very vexing questions. I love your response to evolutionists. Fabulous. Very well reasoned!
World War one - I read somewhere that it was named world war one sometime BEFORE world war two. I can't find my source (sorry) but I remember thinking then that it was insightful and intriguing that it was named such before there was a second world war.

And I am so LOL at Michelle's comment. Too true. Too true.

Thanks for the relinky. I can go happy to the graveyard in a month or so.... :)

Ananda girl said...

I don't really care how many angels can dance on the head of a pin... I only want to know how they do it without falling off! Nothing in that statement says they have to do it all at the same time. Perhaps they take turns.

I'm fairly certain the road to heaven is paved with true acts of contrition... capped with a desperate call for forgiveness for the things you haven't yet gotten covered.

Buck said...

I'm thinking you should have posted a pic of yourself in tandem with Mr. Plato. Your philosophical side, now exposed, is worthy of comparison with the old master. I mean... think of the debate that lies within the questions you've posed! Not to mention no small amount of laughter. (Ahem)

Anonymous said...

"I mean, why would you evolve roots and seeds when you could just as easily have evolved legs along with a penis or vagina?"
----------
Actually, plants have a definite advantage in this regard. All a plant needs to do is scatter its seed, and be fairly certain that it's genetic information/DNA will be passed along to the next generation of darling little sprouts. In fact, even if the plant itself dies, there's a decent chance the seeds will still accomplish the mission.

Contrast this to the more "sophisticated" delivery systems employed by animals mentioned above, with all the numerous variables they require (a limited window on conceptive opportunity, extended gestation periods, Barry White...)

----------
"And what about bees, he inquired in a non-sequitorish sort of way. What did they do before the flowers decided to become flowers and not naked mole rats?"

I'm sure at some point there were bees, or bee-like creatures, or proto-apian insects who just were not that into flowers. They wasted all their sweet talk and countless cosmpolitans on naked mole rates, or ferns, or some other organism we don't even know about. But these particular bugs were unsucessful and could not propogate their particular kink as much as well the flower fetishists. Thus we have the situation we see today. But if things had been slightly different...

That's the thing about evolution. It's not that it's so much a process of preserving or producing particular features or traits, but of eliminating those that don't contribute to reproductive success. Much like the internet itself

Suldog said...

Now there's something I like - an opposing viewpoint with a sense of humor! If only you weren't so shy about telling us who you are...

Hilary said...

I think you share genetic matter with George Carlin. Too funny.. ya make me laugh. :)

Eddie Bluelights said...

The Pharasees and Sadducees disbanded when the veil of the Temple (a six inch thick and tremendously heavy thing was torm in two falling in their heads. Until then it stopped people looking anto and gaining access to the 'Holy of Holies'.
They all said, "Crumbs, that's torn it and were declared redundant because they were redundant and still are. Is that clear?

Angels do not want to dance on the head of a pin, they say that's for a load of fairies.

Suckers - one born every minute - they are immortal and therefore never die and thefefore the whole planet will be made up exclusively of suckers. But they are not the voters they are the politicians, bankers and big wheels of industry. I am writing a thesis on this study while we speak!

Are extra-terrestrials just space perverts? If not, why all the anal probes?

Ask the Martians - they seem to have all the answers!

When, exactly, did it become known as World War ONE?

When the Germans learned to count to one!! It took them 2 years!!

When, exactly, will it become known as World War THREE?

When the Germans learn to count to three - in about 2049

Or will the government just call it "Operation Whole Earth"?

Probably not - try middle Earth as in Lord of The Rings

Why in hell did it take so long for someone to throw a forward pass in football?

As I keep saying, we in Britain invented a great game which you lot fouled up, looking like a bunch of multi coloured locusts throwing their balls eveywhere!

Latin is a dead language, right? What did it die of?

Ether Swine Flu or Hippopotamus flu

And why has it persisted as the language of doctors, lawyers, priests, and pretentious blowhards?

They are as good as dead! Not much life in them so the swine flu bugs and hipopotomas flu bugs are just not interested in them.

Evolution versus Creation! Creation wins hands down.
You evolutionists where are the intermediates? - nowhere!

Evolution is impossible! Creation is fact! The hornet's nest I have just stirred up did not evolve it was created - by hornets! who were created by hornets! who were created by hornets! Nowhere is mentioned a beenet or a waspnet or a donkey or an ass. All seperate kinds were created - savvy.

How much would automobiles cost if they weren't advertised? If the costs of airing the commercials, creating the commercials, having advertisements in print media, etc., were removed, how much lower would the prices be? My suspicion is "significantly lower", but does anybody have decent math on this?

Yes- they would be free!!

Also there is a water powered car available right now which has been shelved and the inventor has been murdered by the oil giants. They should be free!!

If we made Mexico the 51st state, would we suddenly have a huge influx of Guatemalans coming across our southern border?

Mexico will not be the 51st state - we will Britain! Negotiations are underway right now!

Why doesn't anybody take the best idea I've ever had seriously?

What is your best idea, Jim?

If circumcision is such a swell idea, why don't those in favor of it do it to all the male animals they own?

Don't fancy being a Jew or should I say being circumcised - ouuuuch!

Here's one for the topologists in the crowd: If you print a dialogue on a piece of paper, then twist that paper into a Möbius strip, does it become a monologue?

Only if your name is Stanley Holloway!

Okay, so the glass is either half-empty or half-full. Does a pessimist think an optimist drank the other half? Does an optimist think it will become fuller? Does Fuller think it will become a brush?

I like the logic - yes on all counts.

Boy - you make us work hard, Jim - have I passed the exam?

Great post as ever ~ As you know I have been busy fighting off giants - there are coach loads of women visiting him ~ Eddie

Gaston Studio said...

ROFLMAO at Eddie's "answers", most of which I completely agree with!

P.S. I have a great ass, by the way, for a 67 year old!

lakeviewer said...

You have more questions than Plato had. I think. Not to dismiss Plato, but then, back then, the city states didn't have to deal with the millions of problems in front of us.

This was deeply fun.

Eddie said...

Me again to see whether my words of wisdom have hit their mark - don't forget I have Plato at my place, Plato's Procrastinations. He and Socratese are hollidaying in Rhodes together and meeting Cofucious to have a big think tank meeting to solve the world's problems - no they can't so they have gone back to sleep.

If you are watching Jane please can you wisper in my ear what you mean by ROFLMAO and as for a great ass at 67 prove it in your next post.

Where are yopu Suldog? I expected a good tot of rum ~ Eddie

Lola said...

I think I have a crush on you, Suldog.






(No mischief, honest. I'm a sucker for wit)

Chris Stone said...

you know, giant pandas are suppose to be going extinct. Which, i think, is a penis and vagina problem...

lol.

*the catholic church accepts the scientific theory of evolution.*

Bruce Coltin said...

You need to cool it with Lola, before things get out of hand.

Chris Stone said...

oh and, thanks for the ass appreciation!

my ass is spectacular, if i say so myself. ;)

Theresa said...

Ugh! Too much brain usage involved. No answers here Suldog. That was funny, I just wrote Suldong, but erased it. But then still told you about it. Oops!

Gennasus said...

The only thing that I feel qualified to comment on here is that I have a nice ass.

i beati said...

my head hurts so badly

but seriously you know when you copied a picture that little box in the upper left where did that go and when??

Jazz said...

If circumcision is such a swell idea, why don't those in favor of it do it to all the male animals they own?

Because they castrate them instead.

Oh, and for he record, if men were meant to be circumcised, they'd be born without a foreskin. It's there for a reason...

Shammickite said...

Some very deep thoughts here. In my opinion, you can't wash dirt, you can simply transfer the dirt to another location and soon more dirt will arrive to replace it. It's not certain if the replacement dirt is the same original dirt that was transferred to the new location, or different dirt originating in a completely new location, and the method of transport used by the dirt has never been identified, but the fact remains that dirt is one of the most persistent commodities in the universe.
And you can't wash it.

Rhea said...

Hilarious stuff! But I shudder to think of the people who are going to arrive at your site via "anal probes."

Suldog said...

Eddie Bluelights - You win the award for "Most Answers"! Now, I don't know if I believe the truth of all of them, but that's okay since you probably didn't believe me when I said I really wanted answers to all of these things! Anyway, for your efforts, I would dub thee "Sir Bluelights", except we don't do that sort of thing over here. I'll see if I can get Congress to give you a citation or something. I know that's not quite rum, but it's the best I can do at the moment...

Eddie Bluelights said...

What have you got that I haven't?
Lola has the hots for you! should be me!

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Once again my sides ache from all the laughter you have caused. Thanks for keeping us in stitches!
Peace, Judi

Chuck said...

Why does shampoo cost money, when real poo is free?