Another Friggin' Rerun

I was given an award by Alpha Buttonpusher. Problem is, I received that award already. So, I told her, in her comments, that she was very lucky. As Hillary so succinctly stated it, giving me an award is like feeding a gremlin after midnight.

However, I then got to thinking. If someone gives me an award I've already been given, why can't I just rerun the piece I originally wrote upon receiving the award? So, that's what I've decided to do.

(I am so full of myself. Or I'm full of shit. Or both; they aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. In any case, I re-read the piece, said to myself, "Self, this is funny stuff!" and decided that having published it only a bit over five months ago shouldn't disqualify it from appearing again. Besides, you have to be getting tired of me talking about baseball and drugs, and this contains nary a mention of either. Or ether, for that matter, since I mentioned drugs.)

That's more than enough introductory blather, I suppose, so here it is. Enjoy it while you can, as there'll be more softball come Monday.

(By the way, there will be a couple of superfluous editorial notes inserted in the piece. Since the entire piece is superfluous, you may have trouble spotting them. Therefore, I have clearly labeled them for your convenience.)

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This is moo goo gai pan. You won't know why this picture is here until you get to the end, at which point you'll wish it wasn't.


This will, at first blush, appear to be a re-run of some sort. I assure you, however, that it isn’t.

[Superfluous editorial note: Yes, it is.]

I have been given an award.

[Superfluous editorial note: Duh!]

See what I mean? I get one of these things every two or three weeks now, it seems. I usually respond with a combination of rudeness and humility. I’m rude when talking about the award itself (although sometimes I direct my disparaging remarks toward the person who gave me the award) and I'm humble concerning my worthiness to be receiving any sort of honor. It's a tough combination to pull off, but I give it my best shot.

Well, there are only so many self-deprecating things I can say and I’ve pretty much said them all before. I can be as demure and self-effacing as anyone (well, maybe not the Dalai Lama or Mister Rogers) but that gets tiring, especially when the protestations glaringly surpass the level of any actual talent I possess. At that point, humility becomes an even more vile form of bragging. And it's easy enough to bluster on concerning the idiocy of the person doing the awarding, telling you that he/she should be let out of his/her straitjacket only long enough to take care of rudimentary hygiene, the reason being they haven't the brains of a slug or otherwise they wouldn't be so easily deceived concerning my relative intelligence, talent, niceness, and/or generosity, but I’m unwilling to cross the line wherein I actually make someone cry, and that limits the opportunities for gut-busting laughter.


So, I guess I’ll just say golly gee-whilikers I’m proud to have been given the "Kreativ Blogger Award"! I’ll now follow the rules regarding the awarding of the, um, award to other bloggers, and...

No. I’m sorry. I can’t allow this easy a pitch to pass by without taking a swing. The "Kreativ Blogger Award"? Judas on a tricycle! Who came up with that spelling? And why? Is it purposely cutesy-wootsy or just willingly ignorant? I mean, if you change the "C" to a "K" that’s one thing, and if you lop off the final silent "E" that’s another thing, but to do both, at the same time, isn’t so much creative as it is wonton. No, wait, that’s a deep-fried Chinese food. Wanton, is what it is. Wanton attention!

Oh, somebody! Please hit me over the head with a blunt object before I make more of these jokes! If you can’t find anything immediately suitable, use the wit of the person who invented this award. "Kreativ"? I suppose it is creative, in the same way that a vicious dog leaving a cat only three legs to hobble around on is creative, but that does little to swell the dog’s reputation and leaves you with somewhat less of a cat. In certain circles that might qualify as art...

You know the sad part of this whole thing? I’ll proudly be displaying this illoterate piece of trosh... excuse me, illiterate piece of trish... alliterative piece of plush... not-so-good-talking garbage in the same place as all of the other ridiculous awards I’ve received. You could give me the "Smelly Like A Big Pile Of Pig Shit Award" and I’d still give it a place of honor. You can’t possibly flatter me enough. Feel free to try. My ego is insatiable.

CatPants gave me this honor. She is no doubt regretting her decision even as we speak, except you aren’t speaking and I’m typing, so maybe she’s still OK with it, but I doubt that.

[Superfluous editorial note: She hasn't posted since January, so it seems I killed her.]

In order to qualify for the award, I’m supposed to list six characteristics that I love, then six characteristics that I hate, and then make up six categories of award in which I will pass on the, um, award to other bloggers.

Surprisingly, I think I’ll actually follow those rules. Listing things I love and hate is far too strong a temptation for a blowhard like me. And, while I usually don’t award these things to anyone else since I don't want to hurt the feelings of those I don't choose, the conceit of making up my own categories is very tempting.

Yeah, I’m going to do it.

SIX CHARACTERISTICS I LOVE

1 – Wanton Lust

I think most guys admire this trait. Women fantasize about romance. Men dream of having their pants ripped off and someone saying a hearty hello to Mister Happy. Or maybe we dream of deep-fried Chinese food. I’m not at all sure about the spelling anymore.

2 – Sense Of Humor

While with this piece I've shown little in the way of one myself, I admire one greatly in others. If you can make me laugh, I can tolerate almost anything else you do.

3 - Honesty, But With Discernment

I appreciate someone who will tell me the truth, but only those truths I want to hear.

No joke; I mean that. Telling someone the truth when it hurts their feelings or otherwise causes them discomfort does nobody a favor but yourself. A lie told to spare someone's feelings is holy.

4 - Loyalty

Very important trait. If you abandon people at the first sign of trouble, then I don't want you near me. And if I abandon you in a similar situation, then I should go to hell.

5 - The Ability To Enjoy Absurdity

This life is full of all kinds of strange and tragic stuff. We should do what we can to ease the suffering of others, but if you're one of those people who mopes around, bemoaning the tragedies of life, and you fret about those things you can't possibly change, then please get away from me. Sometimes you just have to laugh and move on.

6 - Humility

Not to the extent that you believe you're worthless, but being able to realize the ways in which others might exceed your own abilities.

(Then, of course, you'll want to figure out how to get them to do your bidding, but that goes beyond the scope of this piece.)

Taken together, the above traits encompass all that is pure and noble in humanity, especially if you bring Chinese food and want to have sex.

SIX CHARACTERISTICS I HATE

I'll save some space and say the opposites of the six above.

And now, I get to give this poorly-spelled award to others!

BLOGGER I WOULD MOST LIKE TO SEE SUCCEED

That would be Michelle, over at The Surly Writer. She's an absolute sweetheart. She writes some nice stuff, too, but I just really like her, as a person, and it would do my heart good to see her achieve her goals.

BLOGGER WHO I WOULD MOST LIKE TO HAVE UNDER CONTRACT

Crystal, from Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper. She has a phenomenal way with words and some amazing stories to tell of her past. If this woman doesn't somehow end up with published works, and if those published works don't sell kazillions of copies, then there is no hope for American literature. One of the funniest, most truthful, and original writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

[Superfluous editorial note: I'll actually add two more bloggers to this: Chris Mauger and The Essential Bastard. Both are stunningly good writers. I'd be more likely to invite Mauger to dinner, though. This is not only because he seems less likely to take a baseball bat to the other dinner guests, but also because The Bastard is the only blogger I can think of whose vocabulary outshines my own, and I refuse to be upstaged in my own house.]

BLOGGER I WOULD MOST LIKE TO HAVE A DRINK WITH

This one is a tie. I'd love to belly up to the bar with both Buck, at Exile In Portales, and Lime, from House Of Lime. I think both of them are interesting, humorous, loyal, have a sense of the absurd, and... Hey! They embody those six traits I love! Well, maybe not the wonton lust. Or the wanton lust. Or... Oh, hell. If they like Chinese food, I'm OK with that, but I don't want either of them humping my leg.

Well, at least not Buck.

[Superfluous editorial note: Since the original publication of this piece, I've actually had a drink with Lime. Unfortunately, she didn't hump my leg.]

BLOGGER I WOULD MOST LIKE TO HAVE DO MY PORTRAIT

Hilary, at The Smitten Image. Her photography is extraordinary. She takes the commonplace and makes it look heavenly. I have no doubt she could take me (snaggle-toothed, red-faced, bald-headed, scraggly-bearded, overweight) and make me look like that guy from Twilight.



Oh, alright. She's not a miracle worker. But she's very, very good. Check her out.


BLOGGER WHO GIVES OF HIMSELF MORE THAN ANY OTHER

That would be David McMahon, from Authorblog. A wonderful Australian bloke, by way of India, he is both an accomplished photographer and a published novelist. What he does that is most endearing, though, is to collect blog posts he finds entertaining and then share them with everyone. Getting a mention in David's "Post Of The Day" brings many new readers to your place. He's done me that favor quite a few times, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

BLOGGER WHO... WELL, WHO SOMETIMES MAKES ME THINK ABOUT GIVING UP BLOGGING

Magazine Man. As I say on my sidebar, he is The Best Writer On The Internet. He has an incredible storytelling gift. I've sung his praises before, and something I've said about him before still applies. He is my generation's Mark Twain. Someday, he will be showered with gold coin.

If you've never read anything by him before, start with this: In Which My Secret Origin As A Super-Villain Is Revealed. If it doesn't grip you dramatically and make you laugh like a loon, then I've utterly misjudged my own audience.

(By the way, I think I'm at least the third person to have named Magazine Man as one of the people to get the award. That should give you a clue as to how good he is - or how bereft of original ideas I am.)

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That's about it. Now we can dig into the Chinese food and have sex!

Oh! But first the folks I gave the award to have to decide if they want to give the award to other folks. If so, I think you're supposed to link to me and tell people you got the award here. I wouldn't advise your doing so, as being associated with me is no way to fame or fortune. At best, it is like having a hangnail removed. It might feel good, but you'd certainly be better off without it in the first place.

Before I leave you, I'll put a picture in your head that you'll want to get rid of, but will never be able to. I was just thinking that maybe I could cut out the middleman (so to speak) and just have sex with the Chinese food.

Oh! Moo Goo Gai Pan! You turn me on, baby!

Soon, with more better stuff.

[Superfluous editorial note: Baldfaced lie.]