(The photo above has nothing to do with what follows. I put it there to engender your sympathy. Look at that cute kid! He wrote this stuff, you know. He had no idea that, some 42 years from the time of that picture being taken, his Ronnie-Howard-like visage would be adorning this pile of crap. Pity him!)
I'm updating my "best of" - that is, the "Stuff I'm Proud To Have Written" section - to include a few different pieces. I'm dropping some of the older ones that have become outdated or irrelevant. And remember, irrelevant never forgets.
By the way, the more attentive among you might notice that there are 23 entries below. The reason is that one of them is a two-parter, and I listed both parts separately. More important, though - get a life! Seriously. I love you and all that, but counting the entries here was just nuts, OK? I mean, I did it, and that proves it.
Anyway, here's what a jerkwad like me is relatively proud to have written. None of my relatives probably are, though.
A Day (5 Of Them, Actually - All Saturdays) In The Life
My life, condensed. If somebody held a gun to my head and told me to choose the best piece of writing I've ever done, I'd probably say that this piece is it. However, I'd have to assume their gun was carved out of turkish taffy. How deranged would a person have to be to put a gun to someone's head just to ask that question?
Return To Caddy Road
The story of my return to the neighborhood I lived in for almost 37 years. It is one of the best things I've ever written. Of course, I didn't really need to tell you that. The title of this piece is "The 22 Best Things I've Written". I'm not going to give it a title like that and then fill it up with my worst stuff. MY WIFE would tell you that the reason this is one of the best things I've ever written is because it's one of the few things I've written wherein I'm not a wise-ass. Yeah, like she has taste. She married me.
My Happiest Moment In The Subway
Which has nothing whatsoever to do with the subway, at least until you read...
My Happiest Moment In The Subway, Part Two
Which does have something to do with the subway, except it's about the elevated, and before then you have to read all about my experiences as a lead singer in a truly bad band, which is what the first part is about, also, so you may as well start there.
The Gift
A Christmas story. I'll be re-posting this every year around the start of December, so you could just wait until then to read it. It's probably better then, anyway.
100 Years Old Today
Written on the occasion of my grandmother's 100th birthday (and re-printed on her 101st, 102nd, and soon to be her 103rd.) 100% (and maybe 101%, 102%, and 103%) sarcasm-free content.
Smokes
The story of my first cigarette, of approximately a quarter-million thus far. And, if Ricky Feeley is reading this? He should avoid my Mom at all costs.
My First Kiss
The story of (duh!) my first kiss, of approximately a quarter-million thus far. And, if Ricky Feeley is reading this? Not a damned thing to worry about.
All Gone
Pointless nostalgia. Have a couple of shots of Old Granddad and join me in some melancholia.
The Beer Train
A comic look at juvenile delinquency. Oh, boy!
My recounting of one of the stupidest things I've ever done - and that covers an awful lot of ground, so you know it has to be really moronic.
Uncle Roy's Wake
A really good story. Really.
Uncle Jimmy And The Puzzle
The story of... well, my Uncle Jimmy and a puzzle. Aside from being a decent tale, it is also an excellent example of how far back my goldbricking slugabededness goes. The stars of the story are my Uncle Jimmy and my Dad, but I can be seen lurking in the background watching tv and otherwise not earning a living.
Dinosaurs, Living Room Basketball, And The Pre-History Of Television
Just like it says. What are you, dense?
The Morning Of The Last Day Of My Mini-Vacation
Wherein MY WIFE is the unwitting star, much as she is in my life overall.
A Recipe
For Disaster!!!
No, just some general goofiness, as usual.
You Are Reading Suldog-O-Rama
Social commentary undertaken with the deftness of a chimpanzee wielding a ball peen hammer.
(Which brings to mind a question: Is there a ball peen anything else besides a hammer? However, I digress.)
Note the title: That was the name of this blog (Suldog-O-Rama) when I first started it. Some folks still have me listed that way on their sidebars. Obviously, those folks aren't paying attention. That's OK. They can call me "Ol' Stinky Drawers" so long as they link to me.
Welcome To The WDUH News
More heavy-handed social commentary.
Mr. Suldog's Wild Ride
Wheeeeeeeeee!
Blood, Sweat, No Tears
How the softball season of my 49th year ended, which was one of the many good reasons why I decided to retire after the following year.
(And I had a really good year. My final game I went 3 for 4, which was certainly a good taste in the mouth to leave on. So, what did I do? I played again the next year, disgracing myself in ways I never had before. AND I'm planning on giving it another go in 2009 because I refuse to retire after a season as crummy as the one I played in 2008. If God has any brains - and I've heard tell He does - He'll smote me with a lightning bolt the first time I step on the field in April, saving everybody else a whole bunch of time.)
Solomon The Milkman
My paternal grandfather's adventures as a temporary Jew.
Pa & The Big Fish
Another story starring my paternal grandfather. And a big ol' bunch of hungry cats, a well-endowed aunt, a mean trolley conductor, and (of course) a big fish. If you'd like a writing exercise, make up your own story including all of those elements. And remember, elements never forget!
How NOT To Write A Cover Letter
Considering the source (me) this is actually good advice.
Coalie & Tigger
Just some stories about cats. If you like cats, you'll probably like this. If you don't like cats, you're probably a miserable no-good rotten son of a bitch who can't stand anything or anyone who doesn't conform to your priggish standards.
(But I thank you for being here, anyway.)
And that's that. If you haven't read any of these before? No time like the present! If you've read them all before? Read them again! They get better with age, just like cheese!
17 comments:
Gonna have to bookmark this and revisit now and again when time permits. Darn you! ;)
woohoo! I was just wondering how to spend my afternoon at work.
Not working, obviously...
i do remember some of these and heartily concur with their inclusion. looks like i have some archive diving to do to catch up on the rest.
:)
welll, l must first go and collect my son from band practice, visit the market, then shower, change, sort out gear for work/school tomorrow, then i will make a pot of tea and settle down, if/when they go to bed before me to readthem..otherwise I will get interrupted and never settle, rather like a dog actually!
You've been tagged! Check out this link to find out what that means:
http://musingsofawould-bewriter.blogspot.com/
Have fun ... and don't forget to let me know when you've completed your 8!
Musings of a Would-Be Writer
http://musingsofawould-bewriter.blogspot.com
Which brings to mind a question: Is there a ball peen anything else besides a hammer?
Well, yes. There's shot-peening, which uses little ball-bearing like thingies to temper metal. There... favor returned (in the sense that I learn a LOT here). Glad I could help. ;-)
Oh, Little Opie-Wan-Kanobie. (I have a feeling I didn't spell that correctly.) How could you choose from all the nuggets? Shall return to read at my leisure!
Suldog-O-Rama?
ROTFL....
Man, it just reminds me how bad I am about gettin' over here. Sorry about that.
I started reading the long story of Mr French (and wife) and Mr Irish (and wife) but it was just too long and ridiculous.
Couldn't finish it so I have no idea how it turned out.
However I think that people as stupid as that should be shot for wasting everyone's precious time.
I'd say there's more than 20, mate.
Oy vey. To discover this at midnight. I'll be back tomorrow (I remember the first few, but they were great and I DO want to reread them.)
dazoodes
Thanks for collecting these in one place. I will make my way through them.
Wow! I'm making a solemn vow to read every single one no matter how long it takes.
Very excited to recognize a few titles that I have had the pleasure of reading already, especially since its not been very long I have been reading your particular brand of posting madness. The others I will get back to next week as I have a bit of a time crunch leading up to tomorrow
The description of Solomon The Milkman rocks, that will be my first stop.
'Bout time for that BLOOK ain't it?
Warning - this comment has 21, 22, or 23 subcomments. I'm not counting.
The subway story (parts 1 and 2) was brilliant.
I LOVED the gift story. I was really afraid for a time you'd bought some sort of feminine product. My 2-year-old gave me a package of blue scrubbers for Christmas last year.
Wonderful history lesson for your Grandmother's 100th birthday. And wonderful story about a wonderful woman. I want to meet her. She and my 95-year-old grandmother have some things in common.
Smokes - that may be the best first cigarette story ever.
First Kiss - "I already gave you a present" made me laugh out loud.
All Gone was very sad. They tore down my elementary school (which was also my mother's elementary school), but fortunately they left the playground and made a park of the grounds. But you can come visit and bowl here. Coal Bowling is a smoke-friendly place. You can even actually send the ball down the lane with a cigarette dangling from your mouth.
I appreciated the visuals for the Freight Train story. I'm continually amazed that you lived to tell these tales.
Uncle Roy's Wake STILL makes me laugh. Or I guess it's actually the car left running at the airport.
I know the puzzles of which you speak. They were designed by some mutant satanic minion writhing beneath the basement of hell.
Fellow dinosaur here. We had channels 2, 4, and 5. Nashville didn't get Channel 8 (PBS) until I was 6. My brother and I used to wake up early to watch cartoons and be VERY annoyed because at 5:30 am it was still the farm report.
And I laughed like hell at her laughing like hell. I know EXACTLY what you mean about classic rock stations. (And when did Counting Crows become classic rock?)
This is the first time I've seen the Enchilda story. That needs to be published somewhere prominent. I may never stop laughing.
Suldog-o-Rama. The best piece of satire ever. Send it to Onion. Or Salon.
Yes, we're all going to die, but those of us fortunate enough to read your blog will at least go out laughing. Just as funny the second time around.
Suldog's Wild Ride - how is it that your near-death experiences are so hilarious?
Blood, Sweat, No Tears - Oy vey. That is all.
Solomon - you have the coolest relatives.
I remember Pa's fish story well. Unlike the actual fish, it doesn't smell with age.
Cover letters - I still say I would have hired you from the opening line alone.
The kitty stories made me cry. It's so sad when they just up and disappear like that. And among the many pets I've had over the years, when I was about 4 I had a dog named Tippy (first and last dog until I was 34), and a tabby cat named Tigger (who also up and disappeared).
This was a fun walk down your memory lane. Thanks.
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