Thursday, July 24, 2008
I know. I linked this old piece from yesterday's new piece, and anyone who was really interested in reading it probably already did so. I think it's important to put it out here, though, if only as a warning. You should be aware that I could take every single one of those little meaningless choices from yesterday and go on about them for 1,500 words each. Being aware of that, you should then get down on your knees and thank God that this is the only example of that - so far.
If I get any more comments like this one from yesterday...
Is there an actual point to this? If so, then I'm missing it.
... I will deluge this blog with vapid dissertations (and I'm willing to bet that's the first time in history that sentence has ever been written.)
So, without any further ado - but a "duh!" and a "doi!" are pretty much guaranteed, as well as a healthy smattering of "D'oh!"s - here is...
GINGER OR MARY ANN
This is the question which has plagued adolescent boys, and the men who think like them, since time immemorial (that is, 1964.) I personally feel that it's no contest. Mary Ann was warm and caring, could make 67 different main dishes out of coconuts, and had a killer bod. Ginger had the killer bod, of course, but she couldn't cook and she was a tease. What's to argue? Mary Ann, hands down.
Oh, right. This isn't a question about who you'd like to marry, buy a house in the suburbs, raise kids and make mortgage payments with. This is about who you'd like to screw.
It's still Mary Ann.
However, what if your goal is to be a layabout who never does a lick of work in his life, doesn't want kids, would rather live in Beverly Hills and never make a mortgage payment? I guess you'd have to choose Ginger. She could support your lazy ass making B-grade movies and appearing on the next incarnation of "The Love Boat". But you'd still have to put up with Ginger. I bet she fakes it, every time. And I don't think the drapes and rug match, if you know what I mean. Besides, what makes you think she'd put up with you? It's still Mary Ann, even if it means working for a living.
There is a similar question, but slightly wierder.
Wilma or Betty?
OK, I know we're talking about cartoon characters, but these are two sexy little animation cels, eh? Either one is pretty decent, but I'd have to go with Betty. She seems slightly less liable to brain you with a brontosaurus bone. She has also proven that she doesn't care about looks, because she married Barney Rubble. Yeah, I know, Fred wasn't the prehistoric Antonio Banderas, but Barney was, what, four-foot-three? And his eyes had no pupils.
It just occurs to me (yes, it just occurs to me, after 40+ years of considering this question) that both of these women are married! Ah, who gives a damn? It's freakin' Bedrock. If I showed up there, my name would be Jim Sullystone and I'd be showering by having a mastodon blow water out it's nose onto me.
Something else occurs to me. There aren't any female equivalents to these questions, are there? There aren't bunches of women debating the ecstasies of Gilligan versus The Professor. This is strictly male territory. And STRAIGHT male territory, at that. I have the feeling that most women would choose Thurston Howell III, and not for the same reasons that I'd pick Mary Ann. Most gay men would probably just be shaking their heads and saying, "How sad..."
This is because straight guys fantasize about cartoon women. That is pretty damned sad, isn't it...
OK - next question: Marge Simpson or Olive Oyl? Marge has the better body, but Olive doesn't have blue hair. Then again, blue hair could be a turn on...