Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Nude Photo Of...

OK, I give up. I guess the new readers are going to be sticking around for a while, no matter how much the prospect frightens me, so I'm sitting here at the keyboard trying to figure out how to hold this vast new audience I've acquired via, and I've come up with a brilliant idea. Wait until you hear it.

I've decided to post a nude photo of myself.

WAIT! Don't scroll down, you pervert. There isn't any picture - yet. I'm telling you about it now so you'll be ready for it when it happens. In the meantime, let's discuss what the likely outcome will be when the picture is posted.

First, I might be arrested. Not for the nudity, of course - plenty of nude pictures make their way onto blogs - but because the sight of my naked body could cause heart attacks and strokes among the female portion of my audience. I am, after all, sort of a bald middle-aged Irish version of Antonio Banderas, if you squint real hard after 8 or 9 drinks. So, when the females keel over, I could be charged with assault.

Second, I expect the males will immediately be rendered blind when they view the doughy magnificence of my manhood.

(Doughy magnificence of my manhood. Damn, that's good! I should copyright that.)

Anyway, with the women incapacitated and the men blind, that will leave only children to read this blog. And then I'll be arrested for the nudity. You can't go around showing the doughy magnificence of your manhood to little kids, at least not in this state - unless you're a priest.

So, to sum up: There will be nobody left to read my blog and I'll be incarcerated. God only knows what they'll do to the doughy magnificence of my manhood in jail. I've heard stories.

Oh, geez, and then there's MY WIFE. So far, she's survived the doughy magnificence of my manhood without having either a myocardial infarction or a cerebral hemorrhage (and I don't quite understand that; she must be superhuman) but she's warned me that the one thing she won't stand for (and she'll stand for an awful lot, being married to me) is any sharing of the doughy magnificence that is my manhood. She wants it all to herself, and who can blame her?

But... Oh, to hell with the consequences! I'm going to do it anyway! As a matter of fact, I'm going to do it RIGHT NOW!

God, this is such a liberating feeling! I can't help but smile!

Here I am, in all the doughy magnificence that is my manhood!!!

Ladies, I am yours to do with as you wish.

(By the way, I get about 20 visits most days from people who come here looking for CO-ED NAKED SNOW JOGGING. I figure the title of this one should be good for 300 or more unwitting victims every week. They'll leave as disappointed as the folks looking for frozen naughty bits, I suspect - unless they have a good sense of humor to go along with their lust. If that's how you got here, sorry! Thanks for the hit, though.)


lime said...

wanted for murder by laughter:suldog

it was reported today that a middle-aged PA housewife laughed herself to death after reading suldog's post and viewing his doughy magnificence at the end. she was found in a puddle of her own urine due to the ensuing loss of bladder control.

David Sullivan said...

Whew, Thank god it wasn't you.

I now have a craving for some Pop 'n Fresh rolls.

Janet said...

Another suspected homocide in the Appalachians has been traced to Suldog's doughy magnificence. Victim asphyxiated with laughter-induced asthma. (Yes, laughing too hard will induce an asthma attack. Isn't that an endearing quality?)

Balcony Gal said...

Is it too late to get my membership fee back? Or are you paying in roll?

John-Michael said...

Consider yourself worshiped! You have a gift for this writing thing that astounds this mere mortal.

Suldog said...

The doughy magnificence that is my manhood has caused one woman to pee herself and another to go into bronchial spasms. See? I told you I could possibly be charged with assault.

As for those of you mentioning "rolls", I have no idea what you're talking about. Is it my love handles?

And, of course, John-Michael has completely gottne the point: Worship! Thank you, John-Michael!

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

If you go to jail-- just think... you'll be able to bake!

;-) There are uses for people with your skills in prison kitchens.

....or so I have heard.

Buck said...

Doughy magnificence, indeed! And like D. Sullivan, I have this sudden craving for pastry...

Jeni said...

Too funny, just too darned funny! Keep up the good work but stay out of jail doing it will ya please?

Vienna for Beginners said...

I am an honorable woman, lured here by Tastykakes, and what do I have to look at? A daughy unbaked naughty boy! Oh well, this too shall pass. Please call me when it's over.

Mushy said...

Had a girlfriend once that called me her "dough boy" and would poke her finger into my stomach...I hated that!